Desperate Housewives

Bree: Karl, when we began this affair, we agreed to be discreet. Do you know what discreet means? No skywriting!

Bob: I can't believe they wouldn't let you sing with them. Lee: It's their group, they can do whatever they want. Whores.

Karl: So when the plane flies over the Christmas party, I want it pulling a big-ass banner that reads: "Will you marry me, Bree? Love, Karl." Daphne: Oh, isn't that romantic? Jeff: Glorious. That'll be 600 bucks. Karl: I don't care. You can't put a price on love. Daphne: He can. Our anniversary, 20 dollar gift certificate to a rib joint. Jeff: Well, you didn't have to cook that night. So the gift was for both of us. Daphne: Good luck, Mr. Mayer. I hope this Bree says yes. (to Jeff) Almost as much as I wish I'd said no. (Daphne walks away) Karl: (to Jeff) For what it's worth, I'm a divorce lawyer. Daphne: (before entering a room) Oh, for God's sake, just look at the mess in here! Jeff: Do you have a card?

Carlos: Damn it! Gabrielle: Whatever it is, I can explain.

Tom: It'll be ok, I'm looking for a job, and in the meantime we've got enough money to live on for the next... four months. Lynette: So we'll run out right before the babies are born. Tom: Yes. But remember, kids never miss what they never had. Lynette: Ah, like food, clothing, a sober mother.

Susan: There's Katherine's room. Now, you might hear some screams for help in there, ignore them. Bob: Is this what you meant by "I'll behave calmly and rationally"? Susan: That was just to get you to unlock the car door.

(Bree has just shown Orson the divorce papers and the comprimising pictures of him and Lamar) Orson: You really think I would send you to jail? Bree: It's what you've been threatening! Orson: I was bluffing, Bree. Right from the start. I could never hurt you that badly, no matter what. You didn't need these. You could had called my bluff and walked away anytime. I suppose the fact that you did believe me, that you actually thought I could destroy you just out of spite, that alone should had told me it was over. I will pack after breakfast. Bree: For what is worth, I am sorry it had to end this way. Orson: Me too. These scones you made are delicious. I'll miss them.

Mary Alice: (ending voice-over) The best Christmas ever. That's what everyone had wanted. But something went wrong. Horribly wrong. For those who survived, it would be a day they would try to forget. For those who didn't, this Christmas would simply be their last.

(Angie is running after an angry Mona) Angie: Mona, can we talk about this? Don't do this, you are screwing with people's lives and this could blow up in your face. Mona: 67 thousand by tomorrow, or I call the police.

Lynette: Gaby, please, talk to me, I feel just awful. Gabrielle: You know why? Because you are awful. You're an awful person. Lynette: Ok, you have every right to be mad at me. Gabrielle: Thanks, Lynette. And you have every right to go to hell. Stop talking to me!

Daphne: Hey, wait up, I wanna go with you. Jeff: Can't I have one moment of peace? Daphne: Our therapist said we need to do more stuff together. Jeff: I know, that's why I don't go to the therapist with you. Daphne: Oh, come on, would it kill you to spend some time with the woman you love? Jeff: I don't know, would you be upset if I brought her? Daphne: As long as she doesn't deflate in the plane!

Daphne: Oh, you're unbelievable. You're so cheap! It's freakin' Christmas, for God's sake! Jeff: I'm not buying you a new car. Daphne: Tricia Reed's husband got her a new car. It isn't even a holiday. Jeff: He bought it for her because she beat cancer! You beat cancer, I'll buy you a car. Don't beat it, I'll buy you two. Daphne: Why are we even together? Jeff: For hot sex. Daphne: You're cheap, rude, you lack ambition... I should just dump your sorry ass. Jeff: Want a gift? You want a gift? How 'bout a divorce? Daphne: Hah! Don't tempt me. Jeff: I'm serious. (he shows her a business card) I already got the name of a divorce attorney. (Daphne examins the card in surprise) Daphne: You want a divorce? You got it. Jeff: Yes, Virginia! That Mr. Santa Claus said he's giving me my balls back! Daphne: Correction! One of them! I get half of everything. Jeff: But not the business, I started that. Daphne: With my father's money. So I get half, and I'm selling it. Jeff: Wait a minute, let's talk about this! Daphne: (she laughs) So now you're scared? Jeff: You'd be that vindictive? Destroy the one thing I love out of spite? Daphne: Hello?! Have we met? Of course I would! (Jeff becomes ill as she goes on talking) Daphne: And I'm not stopping there: backdowns, pension funds, ooh!, I'm gonna ruin you! (she notices him twistin, trying to unbotton his shirt) Daphne: Oh, what's the matter? Jeff: I can't breathe... Daphne: Nice try. Big faker. Jeff: Aww! My chest hurts like hell! Take the controls! Daphne: What? Jeff: You gotta land the plane! (Jeff dies; Daphne becomes horrified) Daphne: What? No! You piece of crap! You can't do this to me! Mary Alice: (voice-over) And that is how the unhappy marriage of Jeff and Daphne Bicks ended. In a plane losing altitude right above a cul-de-sac. (on Wisteria Lane, the Christmas party takes place, and Tom and Parker are seen) Tom: Hey, is it just me, or is that plane flying really low? Mary Alice: (voice-over) By the name of Wisteria Lane. Parker: Dad, I think it's gonna crash.

(Lynette and Penny are cutting coupons) Lynette: 50 cents off paper towels. That's a great coupon. Penny: This is fun. Lynette: Yeah, it sure is. And me doing my own roots is gonna be fun, and getting rid of cable is gonna be fun, we're gonna be having so much fun around here. Penny: Mommy... Lynette: Hmm? Penny: Are we bored? Lynette: Oh... (she kisses Penny on the forehead) only finantially.