Desperate Housewives Season 5 Episode 8

Dr. Heller: (referring to Mike Delfino) He's in your band!
Dave: Oh! I know. It sounds crazy, but we've worked through everything. It's cool.
Dr. Heller: No. This is too dangerous. I need to speak to him right now.
Dave: Doc, you just have to trust me on this one. OK?
Dr. Heller: Now, Dave. I speak to him right now. Or I call the police.
Dave: OK. You win. Come on.

Dave: I'm really, really sorry about all this, Doc.
Dr. Heller: You changed your name and didn't tell me. You're living in Fairview, the one place you swore you wouldn't go.
Dave: I didn't change my name just to be deceptive. I just wanted a fresh start.
Dr. Heller: Fairview is not a fresh start for you.
Dave: My wife, Edie. She's from here. And she really wanted to move back and I said "Okay".
Dr. Heller: Did you tell her your history? Did you tell her why it's not healthy or safe for you to be here?
Dave: She knows everything. And I'm in a really good place right now. But...can we talk about this after the show? These guys...they're my friends. And they're depending on me.
Dr. Heller: The moment you're finished playing, we can talk.

Porter: (to Lynette) You are responsible for this! Whatever happens is your fault!

Porter: (to Warren Schilling) You're dead! I don't care what it takes! You're dead!

Gabrielle: Hey, since I'm saving your life and all, you wanna think about maybe keeping us in your will?
Virginia: No.
Gabrielle: Eh... It was worth a shot.

Susan: I believe in marriage.
Julie: Why? First there was dad who left you for his secretary, and then Mike...he was the love of your life and it still went to hell. I mean honestly, just tell me what the upside is?
Susan: Oh Julie, you're way too young to be this cynical.
Julie: I'm not cynical, I'm realistic. I'm just trying to protect myself.
Susan: Well, putting a wall around your heart doesn't protect you. It just keeps people out. I learned that the hard way. Now with Jackson...I remembered that I like feeling hopeful. I like believing in happier after. I really wish that you felt that way too.

Bree: (Talking to the reporter) I don't think I'm great. I have fallen down more times than I can count, just so many other housewives out there. We're all just barely holding on and we all think that we're alone. So maybe you're right, maybe it isn't a cook book; it's a lifeline for e to those other women because I want them to know there's always a chance to get something right. Even if it's just a casserole.

(Susan is looking at Julie, who is flirting with his boyfriend)
Susan: That has got to stop. I'm gonna do something.
Jackson: Why? Julie is a grown woman.
Susan: Uh-Uh. She's a grown woman with stars in her eyes, who's in love with a three times looser.
Jackson: If she wants to accept his proposal, that's her business. But in the meantime you're not gonna ruin the surprise.
Susan: Aren't I?
Jackson: No.
Susan: Aren't I?
Jackson: No!

Susan: I'm sorry, I can't help it. I don't want my daughter to be someone's fourth wife.
Julie: Wife? Were you gonna ask me to marry you?
Lloyd: (With a sarcastic tone) Oh, are we not clear on that by now?
Julie: You can't be serious. We've only been dating three months.
Lloyd: Yes, I know, but I've such a good feeling about us.
Susan: What? Better feelings than you had about wives one, two and three?

Dave: (arriving at The White Horse) Here we are boys. Are you psyched or what?
Carlos: I think I'm gonna puke again.

Susan: So.. you've been married three times?
Lloyd: Didn't Julie tell you that?
Susan: I don't believe so. Although I may have blacked out after she told me you were forty.

Lloyd: So Susan, I'm sensing that you're a little freaked out about my age.
Susan: You know, when your twenty-four year old daughter calls you and tells you she's bringing a boyfriend from college you sort of expect it to be...a boy!

Preston: Mom, you got a minute?
Lynette: I do. Why do I have the sense you are gonna take it away from me?
Preston: Porter got Anne Schilling pregnant. (Lynette looks shocked) Mom? Are you okay?
Lynette: (with a very low voice) Oh yeah, I'm great. Is that it?
Preston: No, there's more. They are planning to run away.
Lynette: Okay. Well your minute's up.

Carlos: (To Gabrielle, about Virginia) We're the sole heirs of her entire fortune. And her blood pressure is 220 over 90.

Mary Alice: There was a fire last night in Fairview. If you open up your morning paper you can read about those who survived and those who were injured, those who barely escape toward their lives and those who didn't. You can also read about a man who risked his life to rescue his neighbour. What you won't read about are the reasons for this bravery, and that's because no-one ever doubts a hero.

Mary Alice: Once a year the owner of "The white horse" bar would host a competition known as "The battle of the bands" and young musicians would come with their drums and guitars and dreams of stardom. This year those young musicians were joined by a group of a middle aged men, who came with their stiff joints and high cholesterol and dreams of being young again, if only for one night.

Dave: (To Mike, unconscious on a stretcher) Hang in there, I'm not done with you yet.

Bree: The reporter is almost here. I am so nervous.
Katherine: Why? You've done lots of interviews.
Bree: That was all local. This is the New York Dispatch. If this goes well my cookbook could be in the front page of their week-end style section. (she pauses and looks at Katherine)
Katherine, what did you do to your hair? I've never seen it so thick and lustrous.
Katherine: I'm only planning on saying nice things about you.
Bree: Good, I can check that off my list.
(Andrew walks in)
Andrew: When is the reporter coming?
Bree: In any minute. Oh my gosh, you look sharp today.
Andrew: Don't worry, I won't tell her I'm gay.
Bree: Check and check.

(Susan is looking out the window and observing Julie with her "boyfriend"...)
Susan: Why is the cab driver handing Julie's boyfriend money?
(the cab driver head back to his car)
Susan: Why is Julie's boyfriend getting back in the car?
(the "other" guy kisses Julie)
Susan: And why is the middle-aged cab driver kissing Julie?
Jackson: I think what's going on... (she interrupts him)
Susan: I know what's going on. Let me enjoy my denial.

Andrew: Mum, do you know anything about this reporter?
Bree: Only that her name is Sandra Birch, we just spoke and she seemed very nice.
Andrew: She isn't. I went online and pulled a bunch of her articles and a lot of them are complete hatchet jobs.
(Andrew hands Bree a print-out with examples)
Bree (reading the print-out): A deeper look suggests something darker, something more ominous. A woman whose perky surface conceals a deep, almost demonic thirst for power.
Katherine: Ooh, I doubt Betty White saw that coming.

Gabrielle: (to Virginia) You know something? I like money, I like it a lot. And a couple of years ago you could have bought me with that big fortune of yours, but I'm a mom now and I make the decisions for my kids. And that is something that can't be bought.