Desperate Housewives

Edie: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's happening here? Why isn't hair being pulled? Susan: Why would we do that? Edie: Well, let's see, she's shacking up with your ex? Something which when I do it I get an angry mob on my front lawn. Gabrielle: I mean, let's be honest, Susan. You weren't exactly over the moon when you heard they were gonna live together. Susan: Well, yes, I was upset at first. But you know, Mike was gonna be with someone eventually and I consider myself lucky that it was someone who after all is said and done has always been my true friend. Katherine: Susan, that's very sweet. Bree: And admirable. Edie: And abnormal! (she pauses) Hey Gaby, remember when I was with Carlos? Gabrielle: Shut it bitch. Edie: (to Susan) See? That's normal.

Mary Alice: (closing voiceover) You should never be too impressed by people with good manners. They're the ones who will give a friendly wave even when they've stolen from you. They're the type to sweetly welcome you even as they try to uncover your secrets. They're the kind to offer you coffee even as they report you to the police. And don't be too offended by someone who's openly rude. Because they may be that way for the nicest of reasons.

Tom: (to Lynette) You just messed with the bull, sister, prepare to get the horn. (He leaves, followed by Lynette.) Bree: (to Orson) Maybe we should slice the tart in here. I don't want to bring a large knife into this.

Bree: Thank you so much for joining us tonight. May I take your coat? Bruce: Sure. Oh, wait, let me get my brain out of there. (He gets a tape recorder out of the pocket.) I never go anywhere without this. That way when I get a bright idea, wham! Right into the tape recorder. Orson: Oh. Sounds like quite a handy gizmo. Bruce: Thank you Orville. Bree: It's Orson. Bruce: Orville, Orson, either way he came home from the playground covered in bruises. Am I right? (He speaks into the tape recorder.) Idea for children's book. Kid gets the crap kicked out of him 'cause he has a goofy name. Could be Orson.

Mrs. McCluskey: Hey Kathy. What happened to Susan's painting? Katherine: I am such a klutz. I was dusting yesterday and well, it just fell. The glass shattered and I took it to the framer. It'll be back in a jiffy. Oh, excuse me. (She leaves.) Bree: See, a perfectly innocent ... bald faced lie.

Susan: Katherine and I told you guys we were taking the high road. Why won't you believe us? Lynette: Because I vividly remember yesterday and I wasn't born during it.

Orson: Hey Mike, I'm looking forward to one of your world famous cocktails. Mike: So was Mrs. McCluskey. She got here early. But don't panic. I sent Edie out for more booze. Orson: Ah. So you sent the mouse to buy the cheese. Well done.

Mary Alice: (voiceover) The day after Mike Delfino moved in with Katherine Mayfair, she thought it would be nice to share her happiness. So she decided to throw a housewarming party for her friends and neighbors. But from the moment her first invitation was delivered, her friends began making assumptions. About those who had been invited and about those who hadn't.