Desperate Housewives

Susan: (opens the door to Karl and Edie) Hi! What's going on? Edie walks in, past Susan, without saying a word Karl: Edie wants to discuss our little…deception. Susan: Exactly how ugly is this gonna get? Edie: (shouts from the other room) How long does it take to shut a door?!

Edie: When naughty children misbehave, they know that they're gonna get punished. Don't they? Karl: Punished? Susan: At this point, I'd like to point out that, uh, it was Karl...who proposed. Edie: Karl, you are gonna throw me...an elaborate wedding. Karl: Yes, of course, anything baby... How elaborate? Edie: Well, figure out exactly what it is that you could afford, and triple it! (to Susan) As for you... Susan: Ok. Now remember, I'm broke. Edie: I'm well aware of your church mouse status. I don't intend to lift a finger during the planning and execution of this crushingly expensive wedding. Susan: No. No, of course not. And anything I can do to help, uh, you know, I would, I could help with the engagement party... How's that? Edie: Well, I wasn't planning on inviting you. But, I will need a bartender. Oh, oh, and, um, make sure you come in through the back door.

While Lynette is giving her deposition Mr. Bormanis: Do you consider Mrs. Van De Kamp to have a drinking problem? Lynette: No. Mr. Bormanis: Then why did you line empty wine bottles up on her front stoop? Lynette (chuckles): I was helping Bree with her recycling. Mr. Bormanis: Do I need to remind you of the potential consequences of perjury? Lynette: No, you don't. In fact, I hate liars (she looks straight at Andrew).

At a bar, Bree walks in and up to the bartender Bree: Hi. Um, I need some advice from a professional. I'd like to get stinking drunk. Do you have anything that can accomplish that in a hurry?

Peter: (to Bree) You know, I don't even like redheads.

Mr. Beale: You paid Libby? Gabrielle: You said we could give her gifts. Everybody loves getting cash.

Mary Alice: On her first day of sobriety, Bree Van de Kamp found an old cork, which reminded her just how much she craved Chablis. So she called her sponsor, who came over with a DVD which they watched till her craving had passed. Five days later after she developed a thirst for merlot, Peter arrived with a deck of cards. The next week, he brought over Chinese takeout because Bree had told him she was consumed by thoughts of vintage chardonnay. By her the day of sobriety, Bree had stopped thinking about alcohol altogether because her thoughts were now centered elsewhere. Though she didn't know it, Bree had answered her own question. The easiest way to overcome one addiction is to replace it with another.

Mary Alice: Temptation comes to all of us. Whether we succumb to it or not depends on our ability to recongnize it's disguise. Sometimes it comes in the form of an old flame, flickering back to life. (Shot of Susan sitting by her fireplace, touching her lips) Or a new friend, who can be so much more (Shot of Peter helping Bree sober up with coffee) Or a young child who awakens feelings we didn't know we had. And so we give in to temptation, all the while knowing come morning, we'll have to suffer the consequences. (Shot of Gabrielle and Carlos at their home. Gabby is holding the baby, while Carlos is looking out the window)

Bree: Peter. Hi, it's Bree. Peter: Hey, Bree. You know, um, if you feel like you're gonna need a drink, you should call Donna. Bree: No! No, I, I don't feel like I'm gonna drink. And if I did, I certainly would call Donna. I mean, she and I are just, we're just really clicking. Peter: Oh, that's good. So why are you calling? Bree: I know it's really late notice, but a friend of mine, uh, got engaged and she's throwing a party, and I thought, um, maybe you'd like to come. Peter: Bree... Bree: Well, you're not my sponsor anymore, so I assume this is allowable. I mean, it's just a casual get-together. And they're having sushi. You do like sushi, don't you? Peter: Bree... Bree: Okay, Peter, I just really need us to be friends. When I'm with you, I'm not myself, which is a good thing. I can, I can relax when I'm with you in a way that I can't when I'm with other people. With them, I have to pretend that I have it all together but, you know that I don't, so it's just so much easier. Come on, it's just a, it's just a dumb old party. Peter: Bree, do not call me again.

Gabrielle: He's going to light himself on fire with coffee liqueur?! Carlos: Would not have been my choice.

(Susan and Karl walk in to find Edie standing beside Dr. Ron in the living room) Susan: Well, I should go... Edie: I'm not going to scream, or cry, or pound your faces in with a mallet, which, Lord knows, is my right. But what I will say is that you two are the most reprehensible excuses for human beings that I have ever met! (turns to Dr. Ron) Do you have anything to add? (Dr. Ron pauses, then removes the flowers from the vase on the table, and hands the vase to Edie) Edie: Right! What the hell... (throws the vase at Karl and Susan, who duck and run)

Edie: (to Susan) Whatever - I'm doing it, so keep your trap shut!

(stripper comes over to Carlos and Gabrielle's table) Stripper: (to Carlos) Hi... You want a lap dance? Carlos: Uh... (long pause, looks at Gabrielle, who is glaring at him) No... thanks...

Peter: I have this rule - plant, pet, person. If I can keep a plant alive, then I can move on to a pet, and if I can make that work, then I can start dating again. Bree: (laughs)So how are you doing? Peter: I'm on my fourth ficus.

Gabrielle: Oh! We missed it! Libby: The kid slipped right out... Nurse: Are you family? Libby: They're the parents.

Lynette: Bree Van De Kamp and I have known each other a long time. I trust her completely. She's a wonderful friend and a fantastic mother. She puts the rest of us to shame. Andrew: She's lying! Are you gonna let her get away with this crap?!

Donna: Now come on! Bree: Come on?! Where are we going?! Donna: Hiking! There is nothing like it to take your mind off booze!

Gabrielle: So you think Bree punched Andrew in the face 'cause I don't! Lynette: I don't either, but on the other hand, she spanked my kids, she lied about her drinking, and I once saw her bitchslap her mother-in-law. So I'm torn. Gabrielle: Well I'm siding with Bree.

Libby: Oh come on Frank, you know you'll be a lousy father! Frank: It's my kid! And I have the right to mess her up If I want to!

Carlos: He's not going to sell his baby for $8000! Gabrielle: Are we talking about the same idiot?! I think for $30,000 you throw in a kidney!

Edie: If you'll excuse me, I gotta go buy a wedding dress! Oh by the way, I'll be wearing white so that'll be a surprise for everybody!

Edie: Don't tell anyone but I'm planning a huge surprise for Karl! Susan: Surprise?! Edie: Yeah I put in together an engagement party tomorrow afternoon. Julie: Oh Cool! Edie: But that's not the surprise. Actually, it's gonna be a surprise wedding!

Mike: You're just gonna have to let this go. Felicia: Sounds to me that there's someone let go from his rage! Mike: Maybe I have. Felicia: But I haven't!

Lynette: That's not why you came to apologize is it? Bree: What do you mean? Lynette: To soften me up for the deposition...

Karl: Speaking of Edie... I have some big news... I finally did it... I popped the question! Julie: Congratulations dad! Susan: Yeah... Congratulations! What happened to "waiting 6 months?" Karl: Edie and I are not getting married tomorrow. It takes months to plan a classic wedding.

Frank: Hey... I'm Frank, Libby's boyfriend. Gabielle: Libby, you didn't tell us you had a boyfriend! Libby: Didn't I?! I thought I had... Frank: What's that? A present for our baby? Carlos: I'm sorry... Did you just say "our baby?"

Mary Alice: ...The easiest way to overcome one addiction is to replace it with another one.

Bree: Peter... But... You forgot your shirt! Peter: (in a rush) Keep it!