Desperate Housewives Season 1 Episode 8

Father Crowley: Gabrielle, the Church is pretty clear about this. If you commit a mortal sin and you die without repenting, you go to hell.
Gabrielle: Aren't you just a ball of fun? (pauses and sighs) So, if I confess, it will clean the slate, right?
Father Crowley: Not only that, if you want God's forgiveness, you have to be truly sorry and you have to promise not to commit the sin again.
Gabrielle: So what happens if I repent later? Like, say, when I'm 75?
Father Crowley: I wouldn't recommend waiting. What if you die before then?
Gabrielle: Well, let's say I don't die? I do yoga, I eat well. If I wait, does my repenting still count?
Father Crowley: If you mean it, yes.
Gabrielle: Thank you, Father Crowley. (grabs her purse) You have been a tremendous comfort. Um, I will let you do your thing. (quickly walks away)
Father Crowley: Gabrielle. (she stops and turns to face him) You know we are all responsible for the choices we make. Don't you wanna be a good person?
Gabrielle: What I want is to be happy.
Father Crowley: That's the answer of a selfish child.
Gabrielle: I know.

Julie: Mom, if you've really need something to freak out about, just remember you're going to spend the night with Mike at a hotel. No man has seen you naked in years, except your doctor.
Susan: Yeah, he retired. I try not take that personally.

Mary Alice: (opening voiceover) There is a widely read book that tells us everyone is a sinner. Of course, not everyone feels guilt over the bad things they do. But Bree Van De Kamp did. In fact, Bree had spent most of her life feeling guilty. As a child, she felt guilty about not getting straight A's. As a teenager she felt guilty about letting her boyfriend go to second base. As a newly-wed, she felt guilty about taking three weeks to get out her thank you cards. But she knew the transgressions of her past were nothing compared with the sin she was about to commit.

Mike: I know you've got a lot of questions. And I also know I don't want to lose you. So ask me anything you want.
Susan: You just told me everything I need to know.

Susan: I just came over to say I'm sorry, and I'll pay for all the damage.
Mike: (curtly) Don't worry about it.
Susan: Well, so, in your mind, is the date off?
Mike: Well, you snooped around my house and went through my stuff. Uh, yeah, in my book that's pretty much a deal breaker.
Susan: Hold on a minute, now. I started snooping around because I found all that money by accident. And, and then, I found a gun. Are you a drug dealer or something?
Mike: Is that what you think?
Susan: Well, I wouldn't know because you never let me in. You know, there's this whole part of your life that you keep completely walled off.
Mike: I have a gun for protection, I keep cash for emergencies. I'm a good guy, Susan, and you should know that. I'm, I'm not obligated to share every little detail of my life with you.
Susan: Well, every little detail is one thing. You know, weird creepy secrets, that's another.
Mike: You know what, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't trust me.
Susan: Well, maybe we shouldn't be dating.
Mike: Maybe we shouldn't.
Susan: Do you mean that?
Mike: Yeah.
Susan: Well, I hope that your, you know, little secret keeps you warm at night because you're throwing something really great away to protect it!

Edie: I want my money.
Martha: And I want those non-fat peach yogurts. They didn't just walk out of that fridge by themselves.
Edie: Well you can deduct it from the $40 that you're going to give me, now!
Martha: You're my best friend. Why would I steal from you?
Edie: It's no secret that you've been having financial problems. I hear you bitching on the phone to your bank.
Martha: That's it! I can put up with your debauchery and your food theft, but I will not tolerate spying. I want you out.
Edie: You don't mean that.
Martha: Oh, yes I do. I'm leaving tomorrow to visit my sister for a few days. I want you gone by the time I get back.
Edie: I'll do one better. I will leave today.

Paul: Mary Alice and I had these little black flies once.
Martha: Oh?
Paul: She was so funny about it. She ran out and bought herself a can of poison. Something to spray them down, so she was taking aim at one on the counter, and she just, uh, stops, and puts the can down. Couldn't do it. She told me later, it felt too personal. Literally couldn't kill a fly. That's how gentle she was.
Martha: Then you must have lived with quite a few flies.

Martha: My idiot husband died and left me with a worthless pension. I was desperate for money. And it's better to take it from a bad person than a good one. How was I supposed to know she'd shoot herself?"
Paul: She was a good person.
Martha: A good person who leaves her child motherless? Read The Bible, Paul. Suicide's a big no-no.

Martha: What are you doing?
Edie: I am taking back the $40 that you stole out of my purse.
Martha: Edie!
Edie: We both know you did it, now hand it over!
Martha: I have taken nothing from your purse, and if you're missing money, I'd ask one of those strange men you parade through here at all hours.
Edie: I am not going to apologize for having a healthy sex life!
Martha: Healthy? I'm going to have to burn every sheet you've touched.

Nurse: Mrs. Solis, it's time for her sponge bath.
Gabrielle: Come again?
Nurse: Sometimes family members prefer to administer sponge baths themselves.
Gabrielle: I think I'll pass.

Gabrielle: (to Father Crowley) Okay, you can stop condemning me with your eyes.

Mary Alice: (closing voiceover) There is a widely read book that tells us everyone is a sinner. Of course, not everyone feels guilt over the bad things they do. In contrast there are those who assume more than their share of blame. There are others who soothe their consciences with small acts of kindness. Or by telling themselves their sins were justified. Finally there are the ones who simply vow to do better next time, and pray for forgiveness. Sometimes, their prayers are answered.

Bree: You know no matter what the kids do, I'll always love 'em…
Rex: I know.
Bree: But I'll never forgive them for growing up so quickly.

Mike: You've been through my cabinets.
Susan: What? Oh I can explain.
Mike: Get out my house
Susan: Oh… Mike…
Mike: Get out.

Bree: (about the car accident) Give me one good reason why I shouldn't call the police.
Andrew: Because I'm your son. That would make you the monster.