'If It's Only In Your Head' is an unconscionable mess of an episode, a thoroughly horrible anti-climax to what has generally been a good year.
3.0
"Bad"
'If It's Only In Your Head' is an unconscionable mess of an episode, a thoroughly horrible anti-climax to what has generally been a good year. Jeffrey Richman's script piles cliché on top of cliche, insulting our intelligence further and further with every turn of the 'predictability-o-meter', until finally, by the time the woefully artificial cliffhanger rears its ugly head, we really just don't care any more. The question of who it is that Mike Delfino has married this time around is undoubtedly supposed to generate some intrigue, keeping us all on tenterhooks for four months, playing guessing games with our buddies. Sadly, all it does is get the eyes rolling. It smells rather pungently like a cop-out, as if the writing staff didn't have the courage of their convictions; they weren't confident enough in their own ability to tell a story (hell, after these past few weeks, why would they be?), so they left the thread dangling, affording them the opportunity to gauge the mood of their audience and, probably, go with what the general consensus is. I'm not exactly hopeful that Katherine will be the one under that veil and, even if she is, the writers have hardly engendered enough trust in their ability to comfortably represent her relationship with Mike to make us believe that the marriage would last. Trust me, if they go this route, within about five or six weeks of the premiere, Myer will worm her way back into their lives, reconstructing the triangle one more flaming time. It's far likelier though, unfortunately, that Mike will be tying the knot with Susan again, continuing the seemingly never ending cycle of their relationship; it's on, it's off, it's on, it's off, it's maybe on, it's definitely off. No wait, it's on. God, won't someone put an end to this already? Haven't we suffered enough?
Apparently not, according to Marc Cherry. No, we need to milk this abysmally insipid storyline for all that it's worth... so why not have Mike snog his ex-wife upon finding her safe and sound? Yeah, that's a great idea. That won't cause a entire nation to facepalm themselves, oh no. Sigh. It's really rather insulting that it's the abduction of Susan and MJ that seemingly reignites the old flame; um, inappropriate, much? Surely this storyline should be about Dave and his psychological misfortunes, not about the burning passion that just can't help but smoulder away beneath the stoic fronts put up by this most tortured of couples? Would it really have killed Richman to have simply had Mike be stoked to see that his child wasn't murdered? Instead of providing a comfortable resolution to the season-spanning story, this took the wind out of its sails, demonstrating that no matter how disparate the plot, Desperate Housewives will always come back to the never-ending ballad of Delfino and Myer. How utterly, utterly depressing. Oh and just to make matters worse, the writing staff continue to drag Katherine down into this thematic quagmire too, turning her into an irritatingly jealous bunny boiler. When they are in the airport, waiting to travel to Vegas, Mike calls Susan to make sure his kid is okay, after having had a 'funny feeling' about Dave when he left them. Fair enough, you might think... but not to Katherine, oh no. She has a hissy fit about the fact that he's talking to his ex-wife, when it's their 'special day'. Well, who hasn't seen that one coming for about four weeks, huh? When Delfino says, "are we really going to do this again?", it's as if is tuned into the minds of the show's viewership, regurgitating exactly what we're thinking. Now sure, this is followed up with some reassurance and a seemingly sincere declaration, but when you take all that subsequently happens with Susan into consideration, it doesn't seem like there's much hope for this particular narrative trope, does there? This is just Ian, Susan's British ex, all over again; Katherine is effectively a stop-gap in Mike and Susan's pursuit of true love, a way of keeping them apart for the duration of the season, so that they can be reunited again at the very end. It's trite, it's useless and above all else, it's boring. Change the record Desperate Housewives, we've well and truly had enough.
The crap don't stop there mind, oh no. Richman's script just keeps churning it out, as if categorically unable to grasp the most basic tenants of storytelling. As we all expected after watching 'Everybody Says Don't', it is Dave's utterly ridiculous decision to hand Mike a confessional tape that springs our heroes into action and ultimately saves the day. As if the fact that Delfino receives the thing before the deed has been done isn't unbelievable enough, we have to swallow the fact that Katherine would just so happen to pick this exact tape up from the drawer when Mike mentions that there are old ones in there, even though it is actually marked with the word 'band' and none of the others have any markings, and then we are expected to believe that Katherine's bag 'knocking' the thing when it's in the camcorder is what allows Mike to see it in time. Talk about your clichés. Mind, all this pales in comparison to his subsequent actions. How very convenient to the 'ballad of Mike and Susan' that the guy can't find Katherine when he needs to, when all she's done is gone to get a coffee. Where the hell could she be? How far could she go in ten seconds? As if this isn't bad enough, his decision to tell the nearest person to speak to his girlfriend, to tell her he has to leave because 'it is an emergency', is so transparent, it's unreal. The viewer knows exactly how it will play out and sure enough, it does, in all its agonisingly irritating glory. With Mike gone, straight after having been confronted by Katherine as to whether he truly loves her or not, it seems to Mayfair like he has bailed! And then, the elderly lady fails to mention the rather crucial nugget of information about his departure being 'an emergency'; instead, she just says he had to leave! Well, how about that, eh? It plants further doubt in Katherine's mind, strengthening her belief that things aren't working out between the two of them. It seems that he doesn't even call her either, which is what any sane individual would do, right after they've dialled their ex-wife and the cops. This is all supposed to be an unfortunate turn of events, circumstances that conspire against the actualisation of a relationship, but in reality, it's a bunch of artificial, ill-conceived narrative beats that help to guide a worthless story to its tiresome conclusion.
Arguably, the same can be said of the confrontation itself, which is also fraught with plot holes. For starters, we have Dave pointing a gun at Susan, directly in MJ's line of vision. He certainly doesn't do a good job of disguising his intentions: if the kid moved to his right, or leaned forward a little to speak to his mommy, he'd be able to see exactly what the guy's doing! Then we have Mike's oh-so-convenient sojourn down Route 12, which just so happens to lead to the exact spot where Susan careered into the Dashes three years ago. This certainly doesn't seem to have been Dave's plan all along, as he looks genuinely surprised when Mike tells him where he is, and there has been talk of 'an accident at the lake' during the fishing trip. No, it's just another marvellous coincidence, another fortunate happenstance in this most trite of narratives! Kinda like Delfino's timely memory loss, his drawing a blank at the mention of the road where the fateful accident occurred. Erm, colour me unconvinced but surely you don't forget even the slightest of details about such catastrophic events, events that actually change your life? Hell, Susan's ears prick up as soon as Dave blurts out the words but her ex-husband? Nah, he doesn't bat an eyelid. If he did, you see, he'd probably cotton on to Dash's plan, thereby denying us the 'big action sequence' (read 'minor car crash') that we're all just dying to see! Groan. As if this isn't bad enough, when the collision does occur, Mike picks himself up, dusts himself down and walks away with barely a scratch on him! How fortunate! And, more bafflingly, Dave actually chickens out at the last moment, saving MJ from certain doom. I'm sorry, but I have a very hard time buying this one, especially after the lengths that the writers have gone to for the entire season to show just how far the man will go to get his revenge. It's the only thing that drives him, for crying out loud, and now, after a few words from Susan and a timely psychological vision of his dead daughter, he bails? Now? When his plan is almost complete? Just at the right moment to make everything a-ok for our protagonists? Yeah, well, now that I think about it, it does seem about right. Convenience wins out over believability once again and the audience is left batting their heads off the nearest brick wall.
Okay, so the season-spanning story has the wind taken out of its sails and, in the end, it falls a little flat. Surely there must be some worth in the other narratives that pepper the hour? Right? Wrong. Gaby's story sees the writing staff treading on familiar ground yet again, except this time they've got a pretty new character to launch head-first into the mix. In Ana, we have another one-dimensional, manipulative cipher, one of American television's most popular representations of the 'teenager', entirely unlikeable and seemingly only there to drive another pointless wedge between Carlos and Gaby. When he doesn't side with his wife here, the conflict feels manufactured rather than organic, especially considering that her argument is pretty darn valid. Still, at least this isn't as bad as Bree's story which plumes whole new depths of ridiculousness with her affair with Karl. Come. On. Give me a sodding break. It's been apparent from the moment the two entered into business that she loathes the man, and given his sordid past with both Susan and Edie, she has every right to. Of all the women on Wysteria Lane, Bree Hodge is the least likely to ever start a fling with someone so utterly reprehensible and no, that doesn't mean it makes the plot development innovative and interesting. It makes it unbelievable and forced, a classic case of adapting character to fit narrative, which hardly makes for organic storytelling. Desperate Housewives proves that even it isn't safe from the old cliche that 'a [heterosexual] man and a [heterosexual] woman just can't be friends', which is one of the most infuriating conceits still prevalent in television. Still, at least there's Lynette's story. That's got to be the saving grace right? Think again buster. What do we have here? A pregnancy! Never done that one before! When she says, "we're having twins... again" in such an incredibly despondent voice, it accurately sums up the feeling of the story: we've been there, done that and we really don't need to see it again. This seems to put the brakes on Tom's desire to go to college which looked set to give the Scavos something interesting to do for once. But we couldn't have that, could we? In fact, we couldn't even have it turn into an abortion storyline, which is where my overly-optimistic mind thought it might be going. Nope, in the 'two months later' segment, Lynette's off being sick, indicating that yeah, those babes are still in there, just ready and waiting to come kicking and screaming out and give the family another few years of irritating 'you stay at home, I'll get a job', 'no, you stay at home, I'll get a job' narrative beats. Deary, deary me.
'If It's Only In Your Head' manages to completely botch all of the promise of its predecessor, 'Everybody Says Don't', and that really is no small feat. Jeffrey Richman's script slowly, and mercilessly, beats each housewife's respective story into the ground, one at a time, until all we're left with is a scrap of fine acting here and a shard of witty dialogue there. There really is very little to like about the episode: the central drama is bogged down in cliche and predictability, Mike and Katherine's impending wedding turns out like everyone with a single functioning brain cell expected that it would, and the B and C storylines feel pointless and tired and even when they're attempting to be original, as in Bree's narrative, they fail hopelessly, feeling contrived instead of believable. By the time the cliffhanger rolls around, it's difficult to give a rat's and that really isn't what the show needs right now. Frankly, this writer couldn't be any less interested in seeing a sixth season. I mean, they didn't even give Shawn Pyfrom a single scene. They could've at least gotten him to take his top off or something. Sigh.