Desperate Housewives

Mike: Why do you have to take our new neighbours cookie bars? Susan: Oh, look, I made a terrible first impression. So I thought I would make them some of my home-baked goodness. Mike: But you didn't bake any goodness, you just warmed up the goodness I bought at the store. Susan: Well, yeah, I don't bake. Catch up. Mike: You know, not all neighbours have to be friends. Why don't you just let it go? Susan: Mike, they live fifteen feet from us. If we have a fire I want to be sure that they like us enough to call 911. Mike: Ah, that's the real reason. You can't stand it when somebody doesn't like you. Susan: Well, maybe. Mike: Well, maybe Bob and Lee just like to keep to themselves. Susan: That's fine, and once they like me they can keep to themselves all they damn well please.

(Danielle got a scooter as a present from Phyllis) Bree: I'm not giving it to her. Can you think of a worst present for a pregnant girl? Andrew: I'm not knocked up. Let me have it!

Mike: Dammit, Susan, let it go. All right? I asked you to, and you didn't. So I'm gonna ask you again. Please, let it go.

Gabrielle: It's kind of exciting though. Carlos: What is? Gabrielle: Playing with fire almost getting burned but not quite. Carlos: Don't be thinking like that, if Victor catches us he'll kill us both. Gabrielle: (whispering) That's what so exciting.

Susan: I need to score some points with those guys when being the dog-rescuing hero could be just the kick-in. Julie: So what? You're just gonna keep him here until they come back? Susan: Uh huh, maybe a little longer. Julie: How long? Susan: Long enough for them to worry. You know, the more they worry, the more I'm a hero, get it? Julie: I get that you're insane. Susan: I'm not, I'm not. Now give me some mud, I wanna dirty him up so he looks like he's been through hell!

Phyllis: Every time I start to chat, you walk away. I mean, if you don't want to talk to me, why did you invite me? Bree: It's a surprise party you daft woman! What makes you think I had a hand in the guest list?

Phyllis: I can't tell you how touched I was to feel included, especially after my many conciliatory gestures were so coldly rebuffed. Bree: I have been awful. I wouldn't blame you if you stormed out right now!

Bree: I just think it's tacky to have a baby shower when it's not your first baby. Susan: Well, I don't see a problem with it, hint, hint. (They smile.) Lynette: Yeah, and showers aren't just about presents, they're fun. Gabrielle: Yeah, we can play games, like how big is mommy's tummy. Bree: Excuse me? Gabrielle: Yeah, we get a ball of yarn and we each cut a piece that we think is big enough to fit around your stomach, and the one closest wins a prize. Bree: (pauses) I really don't want a shower. (smiles)

Gabrielle: You're still sleeping with Edie? Carlos: You're still sleeping with Victor, aren't you? Gabrielle: If I didn't he would think something is going on, what is your excuse for doing it with Edie? Carlos: Because she wants to and I'm a guy!

Lynette: I'm a cancer bitch!

Susan: Hi, I wanted to bring you a welcome-to-the-neighborhood present. You should try one while they're still warm from the oven. Lee: That was really nice. Thank you. Oh, are there nuts in them? Susan: Nuts? Lee: Yeah. Susan: Gee, let me think. (pauses to think if there are any nuts in them) Nope. No nuts. Lee: Are you sure? Cause I'm highly allergic. Half a pecan could kill me. Susan: (grabs a cookie bar and breaks it into pieces to look for nuts) I'm not seeing any nuts. Lee: Okay, you made them. So, did you or did you not put nuts in them? Susan: Okay, here's the thing. I'm a really crappy baker. To give you something that I made myself would be like an insult so... Lee: So, so, so, so, you bought them. And then, and then you heated them up in an attempt to make your gesture seem more thoughtful than in fact it was. Susan: Hey, I would have made them myself if I knew how. Honestly, I'm a good neighbor. Lee: Well, neighbor, why don't you take your store-bought, warmed-up, possibly poisonous cookie bars and give them to someone more likely to survive your generosity. Susan: Do you like wine? Lee: No, no. So, please don't bring me a bottle from your vineyard.

Orson: (driving by in Danielle's little scooter with his feet up) Watch this! Bree: Orson, I said be careful! Orson: (still driving by in Danielle's scooter but now laying on his stomach) Look! Look at me! Bree: Orson, just five more minutes! That's all you're getting! (car breaking and screeching) Orson: (Orson has fallen off the scooter into a bunch of trash cans) I'm okay! I'm fine!

Katherine: Aunt Lily, what does it feel like? Dying, I mean. Mrs. Sims: It's not that bad. I feel lucky.

Mary Alice: Pests. They come in all shapes and sizes, and disrupt our lives in a variety of ways. At first, they are merely annoying, and we do our best to ignore them. But if we don't take them seriously, they can become quite dangerous. For some, death seems to be the easiest solution. But the problem with pests is that what they leave behind is just as dangerous.

Susan: Come on Bree, you have to let us do this. Bree: It's a lovely thought, but I really don't want a baby shower. Gabrielle: Oh, I bought you an expensive gift and I'm not giving it to you unless there's a party with people who can see how generous I am.

Lee: (to Susan) I hope we can live up to your stereotype.