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Bree: Andrew is still a child.
Rex: He's sixteen. It's not unheard of.
Bree: Honey, you have to talk to him.
Rex: And tell him what?
Bree: Tell him that we found his condom and that he is forbidden from - you know.
Rex: I can absolutely tell him that we think he's too young, but I don't think it's gonna do any good.
Bree: Well, then the least we can do is go search his room and if we find any more of these, we'll confiscate them.
Rex: And that will accomplish what?
Bree: Well, if we take away his condoms, maybe...
Rex: He's a teenage boy. We could take away his penis. He'd still try to have sex.
-
Mary Alice: Bree Van De Kamp believed in old-fashioned values. Things like respect for God, the importance of family, and love of country. In fact, Bree believed so strongly in her values, it was always a shock whenever she was confronted with those who didn't.
-
Justin: I want to do you a favour.
Gabrielle: What kind of favour?
Justin: Well, John says that you can't exactly afford a gardener right now, and I told him I'd be happy to do it. For free.
Gabrielle: You want to mow my lawn for free?
Justin: Mow your lawn, water your flowers, trim your bushes. I could do everything John did for you.
Gabrielle: That's very generous of you, but I don't think so.
Justin: Why?
Gabrielle: Because my husband is home quite a lot these days. If any bush needs trimming, he takes care of it.
Justin: Well, this is a beautiful yard. I'm sure it could use a little extra attention.
Gabrielle: I'm flattered, but no, thank you.
Justin: Mrs. Solis, please.
Gabrielle: Did I mention why my husband's home a lot? He's under house arrest.
Justin: Oh?
Gabrielle: He has a lot of anger toward the government right now and he's just dying to find someone to take it out on.
-
Susan: Oh, God, you scared me.
Mike: How'd it go?
Susan: It went just peachy, and humiliating, and shocking.
Mike: Susan...
Susan: How could you? God, "Susan, do you trust me?" "Yes, of course I do." Oh, I'm such an idiot, and you're such a liar. Oh, and apparently a killer, and a drug dealer. That's just quite a personal ad you've got going there.
Mike: Susan, I came to Wisteria Lane--
Susan: Stop! Stop, Mike, just stop. If you keep talking, you're gonna work your way into my heart and I just don't want you anywhere near my heart. Ever.
-
John: Mrs. Van De Kamp.
Bree: Hello, John. I'm sorry to drop by on you, unannounced. Do you have a moment?
John: Sure. So, what can I do for you?
Bree: Well, I'll tell you. My daughter is planning on giving you her virginity and I would consider it a personal favor if you wouldn't take it.
-
Carlos: (to Gabrielle) I never thought I'd be poor in this stage of my life.
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(the Girls are talking about Mrs. Huber's bracelet being in Mike's possession)
Bree: So what are you saying, the twins killed Martha?
Lynette: Well, I wouldn't put it past them.
-
(after Susan sees him and another guy making out, naked, in Zach's pool)
Andrew: I'm not gay.
-
Bree: You're president of the abstinence club!
Danielle: Well, I wasn't planning on running for a second term.
-
Mary Alice: Yes. Each new day in suburbia brings with it a new set of lies. The worst are the ones we tell ourselves before we fall asleep. We whisper them int he dark, telling ourselves 'we're happy' (shot of an awake Bree and sleeping Rex), or that 'he's happy' (shot of an awake Lynette and sleeping Tom), that we can change (shot of John), or that 'he will change his mind' (shot of Danielle). We persuade ourselves we can live with our sins(shot of Mike), or that we can live without him (shot of a crying Susan). Yes, each night before we fall asleep, we lie to ourselves, in the desperate, desperate, hope that come morning, it will all be true.
