Desperate Housewives Season 3 Episode 1

Lynette: (talking on the phone) Hey Gaby, It's Lynette. Got a little emergency here. Is it okay if we use your back yard? (pauses) Great, great. And we take complete responsibility for whatever the pony does. Hope you get this message soon.

Lynette: Wow. White gloves. What, are we having lunch in the 1880s?

Karen: (talking to a prospective buyer) The police found her severed fingers in the garage. And they never found Felicia's body. I wouldn't be surprised if someday you opened a cabinet and hello!
Edie: Karen, dear! Have you seen the marble backsplash? Oh I just must show it to you. Excuse us. What are you trying to do to me you back stabbing cow?
Karen: They asked why the owner was selling. I told them that Paul Young was in jail, they asked why. Conversation has a flow.

Mary Alice: Something awful happened on Lake View Drive last year. To understand why, you need to know that when Alma Hodge awoke that morning, she had no idea this would be the day she'd leave her husband. Certainly, it began normally enough. She put away the groceries per his instructions. She hung his dry cleaning exactly as he had requested. She folded the towels just as he had taught her. It was just before noon, when something inside Alma broke and she decided it was time to fly away. Of course she knew better than to say this to her husband. He thought Alma was happy. And Orson Hodge did not like to be contradicted. So she waited 'til he left for work. And then.... The next day Carolyn Bigsby stopped by, and like most nosy neighbors, she knew you learned more if you didn't knock. Yes, Orson Hodge was a man who did not like to be contradicted.... by anyone.

Lynette: So what're you saying? You're more afraid of Nora than you are of me?
Tom: (stuttering) Is that what you think I meant? Because that's not what I meant! (Lynette keeps glaring at him) You scare the hell outta me baby!

Mary Alice: It doesn't rain very often in the town of Fairview. But when it does, it pours. It was on just such a day that Bree Van De Kamp went on her first date with her new friend…Orson Hodge. A date that ended with a kiss in the rain. This occurred just as Gabrielle Solis was conferring with her new divorce lawyer, and describing in vivid detail her husband's affair…with their maid, who also happened to be…their surrogate. Meanwhile, Lynette Scavo was busy meeting her husband's illegitimate daughter, while resisting the urge to strangle the girl's mother. This happened just after Susan Mayer learned Mike Delfino had been badly injured in a hit-and-run accident, and was now in a coma at Fairview Memorial Hospital. At that same moment, Edie Britt was putting up a "For Sale" sign on the lawn of the house where I once lived. Edie had also planned to spruce up the property by washing down the driveway, but she was pleased to see the rain had already taken care of that. This is what rainy days are good for: they make everything clean again, which is necessary on a street like Wisteria Lane, where everything can get so messy.

Mary Alice: (narrating) Every storm brings with it hope, that somehow by morning everything will be made clean again and even the most troubling stains will have disapeared; like the doubts over his innocence; or the consequence of his mistake; like the scars of his betrayal; or the memory of his kiss. So we wait for the storm to pass, hoping for the best; even though we know in our hearts, some stains are so indelible, nothing can wash them away....

Retiring Elder: My only concern would be the neighborhood, we really need a quiet place for our retirement.
Edie: Oh, are you kidding? There's no place in Fairview that's more peaceful...
(As Edie opens the door, Tom, Lynette, the clown, and children with balloons run past screaming)
Edie: Let me show you the Media Room.

Doctor (Susan shaving Mike) You know, we do have people here in the hospital who could do that.
Susan: But I like doing it, I think Mike would want me to. (cuts Mike shaving) Oops!
(Doctor hands Susan a piece of tissue to stop the blood, she then turns Mike's face and we see this has happened several times already)
Susan: So have you got the results of his latest MRI yet?
Doctor: I'm afraid there was no change.
Susan: Oh, well how long until you can do another one?
Doctor: I don't wanna tell you not to be optimistic, but...
Susan: Look, I know it's been six months, but he could still come out of it, right? I saw on the news there was this woman in Peru, she woke up after 10 years.
Doctor: There was a reason that made the news.
Susan You might think I'm naive, but I know he's coming back to me.
Doctor: Susan...
Susan: Don't say it, you just keep doing your job, and I'll keep doing mine" (cuts Mike again) Oops!

Gabrielle: (about Orson) Oh, generous. That means he's good in the sack.
Bree: Actually... uh no, we haven't had sex yet. We're waiting until we get married.
Gabrielle: Hahahahaha (Sees that Bree is serious) Oh my God, you're serious? No sex at all? Not even a...?
Bree: Whatever you are alluding to...no.
Gabrielle: But you're gonna get married. You wouldn't buy a car without at least taking it for a little test drive.

Xiao-Mei: Don't go! I need you to rub my feet. They're sore, and doctor say...
Gabrielle: Oh, cut it out, Xiao-Mei! The doctor didn't say anything about rubbing your chubby stumps! Rub 'em yourself.
Xiao-Mei: You treat me like dirt.
Gabrielle: Would you rather go live with Mr. Solis in a dingy one bedroom apartment with no air conditioning and no cable? Huh? No, I didn't think so.
Xiao-Mei: You are meanest person I know.
Gabrielle: I am THE meanest person. You've been in this country a year. Modify your nouns, dammit!
Xiao-Mei: What. A. Bitch.
Gabrielle: I can't wait for you to pop out that baby because when you do, I am putting you on the first plane back to Shanghai, and you're gonna be on all fours in a rice patty before the epidural wears off!
Xiao-Mei: But you promised to get me apartment in Chinatown, so I can work for my friend in restaurant. Start a new life.
Gabrielle: Tell it to my Chinese friend, Sue Me!

Doctor: Ms. Van De Kamp, I think you may have had an orgasm.
Bree: No, no, no. I've had orgasms before.
Doctor: How would you describe them?
Bree: Oh, you know. That warm sensation; that tingling feeling of relief when it's over. No, no, this was much...
Doctor: Better?
Bree: Yes.
Doctor: That's cause it was an orgasm.
Bree: Oh. Well, I'll be darned.

Susan: (to the comatose Mike) So, I need to ask you something. Ian, ya know, from across the hall? You met him...anyway, he sort of asked me out...on a date. I know, you're thrown. I was thrown too. But he's really nice and...I could sort of use someone to talk to who also talks back. Thing is, I'm sorta lonely. And the past six months have been really hard on me. So, what I need is...I need to know if it's okay with you if I go out with him. Because if it's not, I won't. In fact, I'd like nothing better for you to just wake up right now and tell me not to go out with him. So, wake up, tell me! Wake up, please! Fine, I'll see you tomorrow.

Susan: So you asked us to a meal to announce another meal? That's so Bree of you.

Tom: She sat down so quickly, I didn't know what to say!
Lynette: How about "You're in the frame, bitch. Move!"