Desperate Housewives

Susan: Oh, you met Ed? Edie: Oh, yeah. I've gotten to know him...quite well. Susan: Yeah? Edie: We're kinda...doin' it. Susan: Doing what? Edie: It. Susan: Ed is married! Edie: Yeah, I'm a naughty girl. Susan: No, you're being immoral! You're committing adultery! Edie: Actually, Ed's committing adultery. I'm just gettin' laid. You know...forget I ever mentioned it. Susan: I can't forget something like this. Helen is my very good friend. Edie: I thought you just said that she was... Susan: She is annoying and I hide when she knocks on my door, but she does not deserve for you to be wrecking her marriage. Edie: Where are you going? Susan: Home. Edie: Oh, so you're not gonna be my friend anymore? Susan: I don't think so. Edie: I thought you said you didn't like running! Susan: Well, that depends on what I'm running away from!

Edie: (voiceover) Two days after I kicked the proverbial bucket, my husband asked my neighbors to do me a favor. You could tell from the looks on their faces it wasn't something they...wanted to do, but...they agreed to do it, anyway. So the next day, they piled into a car with two thermoses filled with coffee, a basket filled with baked goods and an urn that was filled with...me.

(Katherine brings food to Lynette) Edie: Ugh! What is that? Katherine: It's a health shake of fermented brown rice, and for her entry, a salad of radish, burdock root and bok choy. Edie: Mmm. What's for dessert, waterboarding?

(Lynette opens the urn with Edie's ashes and looks inside) Lynette: Kinda looks like cat litter. Susan: Lynette, don't look at Edie. Lynette: Or what, I'll turn to stone? She's all rough and gritty.

Mrs. McCluskey: We still gotta figure out where we're gonna spread the ashes. Now, it's gonna be some place that was meaningful to Edie. Gabrielle: Well, Edie once told me she lost her virginity in a cow pasture. If we can find that exact field... Susan: ...We'd find a lot of traumatized cows.

Bree: (talking about Orson) So, you're not... trying to start up something? Edie: He's in jail. My boobs are impressive, but they can't bend iron bars.

Susan: Why don't we talk about Edie? Lynette: And say what? Susan: I don't know, but she is the reason we're on this trip. Uh, maybe we could share memories or tell stories. Lynette: Hmmm... Why don't you start with the time she tried to steal your comatose boyfriend? That was fun. Susan: Okay, I was thinking of stories that put Edie in a positive light. Gabrielle: And after that fives minutes is up, then what do we do?

Mrs. McCluskey: Bup, bup, bup. I believe I called shotgun. Susan: God, she is so good at that! Gabrielle: She should be. She's been doing it since she road shotgun on an actual stagecoach.

Edie: Well, well. What are you doing here? Bree: I wanted to see you. Edie: And you didn't bring muffins?!

Edie: (opening voiceover) So I'm driving my car the other night, and what do you think happens? I crashed into an utility pole. Then, to add insult to injury, I was electrocuted! What can I say? It was one of those days. All my neighbors heard it happen. So they quickly left their microwaved burritos, and their expensive jars of moisturizer, and their racy "Pay-per-view" movies, and they hurried outside, excited to see what all the ruckus was about. But then, when they saw it was me, this weird thing happened. For a moment, no one moved or said anything. They just stared. And then, without warning... Gabrielle: Oh, my God. Edie: (voiceover) All hell broke loose. Katherine: Does anybody know CPR?! Lee: (speaking on cellphone) There's been an accident. Mike: Edie! Can you hear me? Answer me! Edie: (voiceover) Yes. Everyone suddenly became very concerned, which was touching, but ultimately... pointless. Moments before the ambulance finally arrived, I heard someone whisper... Susan: Don't worry, Edie. You're gonna get through this. You're gonna be just fine. Edie: (voiceover) Susan Mayer...wrong again. Two seconds later, it happened. With all my neighbors surrounding me, I took my last breath. The good news? I died just like I lived, as the complete and utter center of attention.

Edie: (closing voiceover) And that is how Wisteria Lane came to be my final resting place. My ashes were spread over grass I had once walked on, beneath trees that had once given me shade, on top of roses I once admired and beside fences I once gossiped over. And after my friends had finished saying goodbye, a wind came along and took what was left of me into the air. As I looked down on the world, I began to let go of it. I let go of white picket fences, and cars in driveways, coffee cups and vacuum cleaners. I let go of all those things, which seem so ordinary, but when you put them together they make up a life. A life that really was one of a kind. I'll tell you something: it's not hard to die, when you know you have lived. And I did. Oh, how I lived!