Desperate Housewives

(Bree says that she will ignore her problems with Rex and stay with him) Dr. Goldfine: How could this reconciliation work if you can't be open to each other? Bree: We're WASPs, Dr. Goldfine. Not acknowledging the elephant in the room is what we do best.

Lynette: Do you know what psychological warfare is? Porter: (shakes head) No. Lynette: Too bad for you.

Lynette: Are you sure you didn't misplace it? No offence, but you're getting up there in the years. Mrs. McCluskey: No offense, but you should be sterilized.

Yao Lin: The only reason you have anything in your life is because you're pretty. One day you'll be old, and when that happens you'll be nothing. Gabrielle: You are so fired. Yao Lin: No kidding.

(Lynette moves three Valentine's Day cards off to the side and begins to place objects: a hickory stick, a hairbrush, a ping pong paddle, a spatula, a long metal ruler, and a belt.) Preston: We don't want to get spanked. Porter: Yeah, we promise we'll be good. Lynette: Too late, you stole and then you lied. Even worse, you made me look bad in front of Mrs. McCluskey, who you know is mommy's sworn enemy. Time to pick your poison. How 'bout a belt? It's a classic. (Scavo kids shake their heads) Lynette: Well, we could go with the old hickory stick. It's a cliché, but it's pretty effective. I know, we'll go with the spatula. The holes give it less wind resistance; moves faster. Scavo kids: No! No! No! No! Lynette: Guys, guys, guys, hey my hands are tied. Thieves get spanked. Just the way it works. Unless... Porter: Unless what? Lynette: For a first time offense, if you swear, cross your heart, that you will never, never steal again, and you write Mrs. McCluskey a letter of apology, I will let it slide. Scavo kids: Okay! Yeh! We swear! Yeh! We swear! Lynette: Alright, start with Dear Mrs. McCluskey. Porter: Mommy, why are you smiling? Lynette: Do you know what physiological warfare means? Porter: No. Lynette: Well, too bad for you. Okay, start with a big M, little c. Good.

Gabrielle: That's the difference between you and me, Yao Lin, our dreams. Close your eyes, please. Thank you. You see I dreamed of pulling myself up from nothing, and I did. I dreamed about the things I wanted and I got them all: a high powered career, a handsome husband, an extravagant house. So, this is just a blip in the radar for me, because now, I know what I'm capable of and if I did it once, I can do it again. I'm never really down, Yao Lin, even when it looks like I am. So, enjoy this moment, enjoy your dream, because for you, it doesn't get any better then this.

Mary Alice: Most mothers will tell you their children are a gift from God. Most mothers would also tell you that the gifts their children give them are less than heavenly. Lynette had suffered through art work made in kindergarten, spice racks made in summer camp, and jewelry made at the scout jamboree. But this day, Lynette Scavo received a gift every mother dreams of. One she wasn't embarrassed to display. Lynette knew she'd cherish the memory of that moment for the rest of her life. The memory of that moment was ruined the very next day. Yes, most mothers will tell you their children are a gift from God. Most mothers will also tell you there are some days when you wish you could return them.

Mary Alice: It's impossible to grasp just how powerful love is. It can sustain us through trying times (shot of Carlos hugging Gabrielle.) Or motivate us to make extraordinary sacrifices (shot of Bree washing handcuffs in the dishwasher.) It can force decent men to commit the darkest deeds (shot of Paul getting his mail.) Or compel ordinary women to search for hidden truths (shot of Felicia getting her newspaper. She and Paul wave to each other.) And long after we're gone, love remains burned into our memories (shot of Mrs. McCluskey looking at the photograph of her son.) We all search for love, but some of us, after we find it, wish we hadn't. (Shot of Susan looking at Mike's house.)

Bree: Okay. So what's our control word? Rex: Well, lately I've been using Philadelphia. What's wrong? Bree: Well it's just that my Aunt Fern lives in Philadelphia and I don't want to be thinking about her while I'm spanking you with a leather strap. Rex: Okay. Fine. You pick a control word. Bree: Um, how about Boise? Rex: Boise? Bree: What's the matter with Boise? Rex: We're going to be doing psychological role playing here, Bree, and a funny word like Boise would ruin the mood. We need something that sounds serious. Bree: Hmm. How about Palestine? Rex: Boise will be just fine.

Rex: For gods sake, you promised to be supportive. Bree: What do you want me to say? My husband likes to wear metal clamps around his nipples. Hooray?

Rex: I like to be dominated. Bree: Huh? Rex: Sexually. Bree: Huh? Rex: Never mind.

Mrs. McCluskey: How old are you boys anyway? (about Preston and Porter) Porter: We're six. Mrs. McCluskey (to Parker): And you? Parker: Five. Mrs. McCluskey: Wow, your mum just pops them out doesn't she? Preston: How old are you? Mrs. McCluskey: How old do you think? Porter: 150.