Desperate Housewives

Gabrielle: I know some of these women in your exercise class. The most exercise they ever get is cut a piece of cake! Yaniv: That's a lap! Gabrielle: Excuse me? Yaniv: In the contract, there are words I do not tolerate: cake, tired, can't, doughnut. If I hear them, you owe a lap. Gabrielle: (she chuckles) It's an exercise class. Why would anyone say doughnut? Yaniv: That's another lap! Gabrielle: (she takes the contract back) You know, maybe I should give this a little gander.

Mr. Hobson: Congratulations on your new job. Susan: Congratulations on getting me out of your office.

Susan: (to Principal Hobson) Look I know I said that MJ was a star student but the truth is: he's one of those kids that needs extra attention. The classes at his school are way too big and I see him getting lost in the shuffle. And if he gets lost now... My ex-husband is doing everything that he can and I need to know I am too. I will serve lunches, I will be a janitor... anything!... But I'm not walking out on my son's future.

Mary Alice: Susan Mayer knew she couldn't always give her son everything she would have liked, but when she saw her child tuition around Katherine Mayfair's neck she felt something had been stolen from him... And it didn't take her long to decide how she was going to get it back.

(Bree gives Lynette an envelope) Lynette: What's this? Bree: A cheque. I understand you and Tom are going through some rough times. Lynette: (Giving back the envelope) No, thank you but we can't accept this.. (taking back the envelope) However I would like to know how much we're not accepting. (Lynette opens it) $20000?! How many cookbooks are you selling woman?

(Susan and Mike talking about MJ's expensive school) Susan: We may have to give up a few luxuries. Mike: Yeah, like food and heat.

(Bob, Lee and Tom in Tom's garage. They are talking about Tom's sport car who has just been sold) Tom: I called her "Foxy". You wanna know why? Lee: No.

(Carlos tells Gabrielle they are now rich again) Gabrielle: Oh honey! We're gonna be us again. The old Carlos and Gabby. You know what? I'm gonna wear my dress from the night you proposed. Carlos: (Laughing) You can still fit in that? (Gabrielle glares at him) We're gonna be rich again! Alleluiah!

Mary Alice: (closing voiceover) There's a lot you can do with money in the suburbs. You can pay for a night on the town. You can provide a private school education. You can purchase a token of affection. But the one thing you must never do with money is use it as a weapon. Because someone always gets hurt.

Dave: Our marriage is more real. Edie: Really? In what way? Dave: Well, with her, it was like a fairytale. I thought it would last forever. It didn't. What you and I have is more real because I know it's not forever.

Edie: (to Gabrielle) You wanted the old Gaby back? Well congratulations, you got her. A self-centered obnoxious jerk. Personally, I liked poor, paunchy Gaby better. At least she had some humility.

Gabrielle: Not tough enough? Let me tell you something Mr. Iraqui army guy- Trainer: Israeli. Gabrielle: Whatever. I used to be a model and you don't know what war is until you've been in a dressing room with a bunch of size zero models reaching for the last rice cake.

Gabrielle: Mrs. McCluskey said something about you losing five pounds in one day. How'd you do that? Edie: I got drunk on bourbon and threw up all over her lawn.

Gabrielle: Have you not noticed me working my butt off? I'm almost back to the weight I was when we got married. Carlos: All I meant was, you don't have to wear an old dress. I will buy you a new one. Gabrielle: No, no. This will be way more romantic. I'm one good colonic away from being the old me. Carlos: I'll call the restaurant. They can write that on the cake.

Susan: (to Mr. Hobson) I've been too pushy. Oh please don't take it out on MJ. He is such a bright kid. (to MJ) Say something in Spanish. MJ: I'm bored. Susan: Be bored in Spanish.

Susan: So I heard through the grapevine that there might be an opening for another student. Principal Hobson: I assume you're referring to the Henderson boy's expulsion. Susan: Yeah. He bit his teacher, huh? They had that problem with their older boy, Toby. It's a family of biters.

Katherine: (talking about Lynette) Apparently, she and Tom are having financial problems. They just had to sell Tom's car. Edie: And you know, I saw her at the recycling center. She was turning her cans into money. Gabrielle: Yikes! That's like half a step away from selling your eggs on the Internet.

Mary Alice: (voiceover) Whenever someone on Wisteria Lane buys a new car, a simple ritual is performed. But on this day, one of the owner's friends refused to participate in the ritual. And even more surprisingly, the owner of the car in question, didn't seem to notice.

Katherine: Bought a new car? Bree: My book just made the Times bestseller list. Now they're talking three-book deals so I got the urge to splurge!

Katherine: Tom loves that car. Why would you sell it? Lynette: Sadly, we can no longer afford Tom's mid-life crisis.