Desperate Housewives

Lynette: Anne, when the baby comes you don't contact Porter. You can contact Tom or me and we'll do what we can for you from a distance. Understood? Anne: There's no baby. Never was.

Mary Alice: If you walk through Fairview Memorial Hospital, you will encounter all sorts of people doing their best to recover. It might be a husband licking his wounds after a marital battle, or two parents rallying from an attack of doubt; it might be a wife who has been cured of low self esteem, or a pair of lovers who find honesty to be the best medicine. Sadly you will also find some poor souls afflicted with a condition they would never recover from.

Bree: You want honesty? Fine. You didn't wanna divorce Mike; you hit a really bad patch after the accident, but you never stop loving him. And why would you? Your relationship didn't have a natural end. So face that you're not mad at me or Mike or Katherine, you're mad at yourself for letting your marriage fall apart! Susan: (Realizing that what Bree said is the truth) What am I suppose to do? Bree: Either tell Mike how you feel or move on, because that's what he's trying to do and it's not fair to stop him. You need to make a decision Susan.

Lynette: I hear you are getting discharged today. Are you going back home? Anne: Home? Mmh.. let's see: two cracked ribs, black eye.. no. I got everything I need from there.

Mike: Seriously, there gotta be something to thank you. Dave: Well, ever since my brother died I've never had a really good friend. Do you think you can handle that job? Mike: I think I could.

Mary Alice: There was a fire in the town of Fairview and those who had been injured came to recover at Fairview Memorial Hospital. By morning their burns had been bandaged, their broken bones had been set and their wounds had begun healing. Yes, everyone was well on their way to recovering except for the man who had started the fire. You see, his suffering was just beginning.

Bree: My husband has agreed to the procedure you suggested. Dr. Cominis: The one to alleviate his snoring? Bree: Yes, that's the one. So any time you want to get in there and start hacking away, he's ready for you.

(Gabrielle is talking to her children over dinner) Gabrielle: OK, look. Mommy needs to lose a few pounds and its not easy eating healthy with you two in front of me scarfing down all the good stuff. So what do you say? Do you want to help Mommy be beautiful again? Juanita: No.

Tom: What are we gonna do? Lynette: We are going to protect our son. Tom: Even if he killed six people? Lynette: We are going to protect our son.

Mary Alice: Something awful happened to Gabrielle Solis and she was reminded of this every time she looked in a mirror, every time she glanced an old photo and every time she walked past a men. Yes, Gabrielle knew she had lost her looks, but she try her best to look on the bright side. After all, what woman needs to be beautiful when her husband is blind?

Bree: Orson, dear, because of the way your nose was broken during the fire, you now snore. Orson: Didn't I snore before? Bree: Good point. Snoring is too mild a word for what you're doing. Imagine a terrified elephant summoning his herd.

(Gabrielle is talking to Susan, crying): Susan: I don't understand. Carlos might get his sight back. You should be thrilled. Gabrielle: Oh, I know. It's just... He's been through so much these past five years, and he's never complained. I just think he deserves to open his eyes to a wife who doesn't tuck her boobs into her pants.

Bree: Hello, Dr. Cominis. How's my husband doing? Doctor: Well, the x-rays indicate there was no concussion, so I think we're gonna release him today. Bree: Wonderful. The house was too quiet without him. Doctor: You'll have to wait to talk to him. He's been in a lot of pain, so we gave him something to help him sleep. Bree: Oh, that's all right. I can wait. Mmm, he looks so peaceful. (Orson snores, scaring Bree) Goodness! I'm sure if Orson were awake, he'd apologize for that. (He snores again) Doctor: Has he always snored? Bree: Occasionally, but never quite this... (Orson snores louder) Robustly. Doctor: Well, the injury to his septum might've made it worse. But it can be corrected with a simple surgical procedure. (Orson snores again, even louder) Bree: Well, if it's so simple, what are we waiting for? Doctor: It'll take a few weeks to schedule. So... Soon as he wakes up, you can take him home. (Orson snores really loud) Bree: Well... At least the house won't be quiet anymore.

Dr. Bach: (about a tomography made in Carlos) The scan revealed a tiny bone fragment that may be putting pressure on the optic nerves. Gabrielle: And, what, you're afraid it's gonna impair his vision? (Gabrielle laughs)

Gabrielle: You know when I decided I wanted to be with you forever? Carlos: No, when? Gabrielle: About 2 seconds ago. Up until then it was pretty touch and go.

Bree: Orson, if we can't share a bed, it's going to hurt the intimacy of our marriage. Orson: My death will have the same effect.

Edie: Hey, there. I just heard the great news about Carlos! (she notices Gabrielle's sadness) What's wrong? Susan: Gaby thinks that Carlos is not gonna find her attractive after he gets his sight back. Edie: Yeah, that was my first thought too. Susan: Edie! Gabrielle: It's okay. Let her talk. At least she's being honest. It's the kind of support and friendship I need right now. Susan: Fine, you're a pig! Gabrielle: Thank you. God, what am I gonna do? Edie: Well, you can stop whining for one. You have a month, right? That's plenty of time to go on a diet, start exercising... By the time Carlos gets his eyesight back you're gonna look hot or... hottish.

(Katherine leaves Mike's room) Katherine: (surprised and uncomfortable) Susan! Susan: Hey. Katherine: Hi. How's Jackson? Susan: He's fine, just getting some stitches. How's... wait, who are you here to see? Katherine: You know... (pauses) everybody. So many people in the neighborhood were hurt in the fire. I thought it would be nice to bring them gifts. Susan: Oh, crap. I didn't get anyone gifts. But I did give blood. I'll just remind everybody that I did that.

Orson: I had an uncle who died during an outpatient procedure. He went in for a broken wrist, they put him under, he never woke up. Bree: You don't have an uncle! Orson: Fine, he was more of a family friend, but the point is he's still dead...and I am not having unnecessary surgery.

Susan: (to Mike) I hate Macadamian nuts. You think they're white chocolate chips until it's too late. Stupid Hawaii.