Desperate Housewives Season 4 Episode 15

Bree: What on Earth could you possibly want?
Edie: Oh, I wanted to thank you. After you scared off that couple that were going to buy the Young house, I found another buyer. And they're willing to go 10% over asking!!
Bree: Well, good!! When they drop by for their inspection, I'll just have to have a nice little chat with them, too!
Edie: You wouldn't want to do that. Hey, after all, we're family.
Bree: Family?!
Edie: Well, yes. Since my nephew Austin is Benjamin's biological father, that makes me...Benji's great aunt! A term I don't exactly love, but it's better than grandma, which is what you are.
Bree: How did you...?!
Edie: Cute story. I went over to Orson's to ask him to get you off my back, and the poor sap, he...he'd written the whole sordid tale down and left it right there on the table.
Bree: Edie, if word got out, my whole family would be humiliated!
Edie: Oh, I don't want word to get out, that would ruin everything. Because right now, I...well, I own you.
Bree: What does that mean?
Edie: Glad you asked. From this moment on, I am your best friend. You're gonna invite me to all of your fancy parties, set me up with all your single friends and...well, if ever I'm in the mood for muffins, you're gonna bake 'em for me.
Bree: Edie, please...
Edie: And if you don't, if for one second I don't feel the love, I'm gonna bury you. You understand?
Bree: Yeah.
Edie: Good. Oh, by the way, I'm having an open house tomorrow. A plate of banana nut muffins sure would set the mood. Don't you think?

Susan: Oh, my God.
Gabrielle: And Edie threatened to use that to...?
Bree: Yes.
Lynette: OK, first of all, you're like the greatest mom ever to want to protect Danielle like that.
Bree: Thank you.
Lynette: I can't believe she was blackmailing you.
Susan: I can't believe she made a play for Orson.
Gabrielle: I can. She went after Carlos and Mike and Karl. The only person she hasn't gone after is Tom.
Lynette: Yet. This woman is out of control.
Susan: What are you gonna do?
Lynette: No. What are we gonna do?

Adele: Susan, you're up. Michael told me about your false labor. That was unusual.
Susan: Well, it happens.
Adele: I know but usually your water doesn't break.
Susan: Oh that. It turns out I spilled some club soda.
Adele: Well, no surprise there. Michael told me what a klutzy Kathy you are. I'm glad he finds that cute. I myself don't have the patience.

Adele: You know, it's a shame that Michael has to work so hard but I guess with all the money trouble you two have been having.
Susan: He told you that? Well, we're getting past it.
Adele: Only because my son is working himself to the bone. You know it wouldn't hurt for you to get a job.
Susan: I have a job.
Adele: Oh, you mean your little drawings? Well, it's great for a woman to have a hobby. Personally, I decoupage but I'm talking about something that pays.
Susan: Children's books pay.
Adele: Really? How much?

Mary Alice: (voiceover) It happens the second Sunday of every May. We celebrate the women who give us life and so much more, the ones who protect us at all costs, who have the courage to fight those who would do us harm, who put our happiness ahead of their own, but mostly we celebrate a mother's love which is constant, eternal, and there from the very beginning.

Carlos: Are you sure it was cocaine?
Gabrielle: Carlos, I was a fashion model in the nineties. I know cocaine.

Mary Alice: (opening voiceover) The incident, as it would come to be known, happened late on a Tuesday afternoon. Witnesses included an old woman, a blind man, and a young boy. The old woman, whose hearing was not what it used to be, saw Bree Hodge emerge from her house in a way that told her she was upset about something. The blind man, whose hearing had become more stronger, heard Edie say...
Edie: Oh, hi, Bree. What's up?
Mary Alice: (voiceover) In a way that suggested Edie wasn't expecting any trouble. The young boy, who was not yet eleven, heard Bree Hodge say...
Bree: I saw you kissing my husband!
Mary Alice: (voiceover) But he couldn't understand why someone would be angry about kisses, which he thought grown-ups liked...or disliked. As the old woman pretended to clip hedges she already clipped, she saw the body language of her neighbors change. As the blind man listened in very carefully, he heard Bree say...
Bree: Who are you thinking, Edie, we're supposed to be friends?!
Edie: We are friends. I am not interested in Orson! All right?!!
Mary Alice: (voiceover) The young boy then heard Edie add...
Edie: So stop acting like such a bitch!!
Mary Alice: (voiceover) Which included a word he was not allowed to use. The old woman then saw Bree Hodge clench her fists in rage. A second later, the blind man heard a slap. And the young boy saw Edie grab her cheek. As the two parted company, a thought occurred to all those who had witnessed the incident that right there, on peaceful Wisteria Lane, the battle lines had been drawn, and someone was going to get hurt.

Edie: Hey, guys. What's...going on?
Bree: I told them everything, Edie. About Orson, Benjamin, everything.
Edie: You did?
Lynette: She did, so you can kiss that little blackmail scheme goodbye.
Edie: Well, I was only doing it because...
Gabrielle: You were only doing it because you're the devil!
Edie: OK, fine. Chew me out! And let's get on with it.
Susan: It's not like all the other times, Edie. We're done.
Edie: Done?!
Susan: We're not inviting you to poker, we're not talking to you, we're not even gonna wave when you jog by. From now on, you are invisible.
Gabrielle: And we're gonna make sure every woman in a five-mile radius knows the kind of crap you pulled.
Lynette: We've tried to be your friends, but you don't even understand what that word means. So now we're gonna be something you do understand.
Edie: Guys, wait! Wait, I know I've crossed the line this time and...well, I'm...I'm sorry!
Bree: Did you hear something?
(Lynette, Gabrielle and Susan murmur "No".)
Bree: Neither did I.

Edie: (speaking to Travers on her cellphone) No, Travers. No, I decided that spending Mother's Day with you is more important than spending time showing people stupid houses. Oh, I love you, too, sweetheart. Actually, I think Mommy's going to be spending a lot more time with you from now on. But we'll talk about that when I get there, OK? I love you, baby. I'll see you soon.