Desperate Housewives

Bree: (to Andrew) Look, this family's reputation is already hanging by a thread. I mean first people thought that your stepfather was a wife killer, then your sister takes off with her history teacher and now we're supposed to parade the little bastard up and down the street. I mean, we might as well sit on the porch and play banjos!

Mary Alice: There is a certain time of morning. It occurs after the kids have left for school, and husbands have head it off to work. It's a time when women think of the secrets they've been keeping from their friends. And how shocked they would be if the truth is discovered and how they'll do everything in their power to keep that from happening.

(Orson and Bree are shopping.) Bree: The nice thing about this fake pregnancy is that my feet don't swell. And I really wouldn't be able to squeeze into the sling-backs if I really was eight and a half months pregnant. Mrs. McKeever: Bree! Don't you look radiant. Bree: Oh! Hello, Mrs. McKeever. Mrs. McKeever: Well, I heard that you were expecting, but I had no idea how far along you were. May I? (Mrs. McKeever reaches to touch Bree's stomach. Bree backs away quickly.) Bree: Oh! There's no need. The baby's just not kicking right now. Mrs. McKeever: Ah, but sometimes, if you give them a little jiggle, you can get them to move. (She reaches for Bree's stomach again. Bree pulls back.) Bree: Oh!! Orson: Oh, she doesn't really want to be jiggled right now. She's very sensitive down there. Mrs. McKeever: But I'll be gentle. You know, in my day mothers thought that it was good luck. (She reaches for Bree's stomach again. Bree grabs her wrist.) Bree: Perhaps I need to make my point a little more clearly! Mrs. McKeever: Bree. You're hurting me. Bree: I'll do worse than that if you don't stop right now! (Store manager walks up.) Manager: Excuse me. Is there a problem here? Bree: No. Not at all. I'm just saying hello to a very dear friend of mine. (Manager walks away. Bree grips Mrs. McKeever's hand tightly again.) Bree: Are you gonna back off now? (Mrs. McKeever nods very frightened. Orson pulls Bree's hand off Mrs. McKeever.) Orson: Car's here, dear. Lovely to see you, Mrs. McKeever. (Orson escorts Bree away.) Orson: Do you have to make it so obvious that you fancy her?! Bree: Why must old ladies always do that? Orson: I don't know, but you've got to stop roughing them up!

Mary Alice: The first thing you should know is that Edie Britt never actually intended to die, but someone she loved was trying to leave her. So she planned every detail, from the silk scarf she'd hang by, to the suicide note detailing her despair. Now all Edie had to do was wait, for her beloved to come home. Carlos: Hey, Edie! I'm here to get my stuff. Mary Alice: You see, to hold on to her man, Edie knew she'd have to find the perfect moment to let go.

Lynette: I just liked being able to throw on my wig and join you guys for a cup of coffee, and a good gossip about the new neighbors. You know, for five minutes I can pretend I wasn't a sick person. But once your friends know you're sick, you can't pretend anymore cause you can see it in their eyes, the fear, the pity. Susan: (with sad voice) Is that all you see in our eyes? Lynette: (looks at them in the eye) No, of course not.

Carlos: So I managed to get away from Edie. What do you want? Gabrielle: To get you away from Edie. (Gabrielle walks toward Carlos and they kiss passionately)

Susan: (to Mike) Listen, my last egg could be on its way down the chute at this very moment. If you wanna have kids, you might wanna jump on it, right now!

Susan: (to Adam) I don't need any test. I am not old enough for menopause. Now, I don't know what kind of nonsense they taught you at... (checks his diploma to see where he went to school)... Harvard Medical School... (checks his diploma again to see what year he graduated)... class of 97?!?! Oh my God, I am old! Just give me the damn test!

Susan: (to Adam) Okay, before we go any further, can I check those diplomas? 'Cause I would just like to make sure they're not from some Med school in the Philippines.

Susan: I wish Edie were here. Without her there's no one to give us the dish. Bree: Yet another illustration of the fundamental selfishness of suicide.

Carlos: (after hiding under Gabrielle's wedding dress) Who doesn't wear underwear on their wedding day?

Mary Alice: There is a certain time of night, after children have been put to bed and husbands have begun snoring, that women lie awake and think of the secrets they've been keeping from their friends. It might be an impromptu wedding, or a recently diagnosed tumor, or a make believe pregnancy. Regardless, it's all they will think of until something comes along to remind them that other people have secrets too.