Desperate Housewives

(Susan has just finished questioning about the dead guy in the trunk) Bree: How did it go? Susan: Well, I told them everything I know, which wasn't much. Gabrielle: So, we're thinking this is Paul? Lynette: Well, he's our friendly neighborhood murderer!

Gabrielle: (talking to Carlos about who might've told Lynette about her affair) So I know Susan Mayer would never tell… must've been Helen Rowland! She probably blabbed to all the girls at the salon. And Ida Greenberg goes to that salon, so if Ida knows the whole town knows and we're just gonna have to move, that's all there is to it. Carlos! Can you stop pudding for two seconds and show me some support? Carlos: What do you expect me to do? You brought this on yourself. Gabrielle: It was a harmless little kiss! Why is everyone making a big deal about this? Carlos: Because you had an affair with an underaged gardener! People don't think you are harmless, they see you as a predator! (Smirks) Gabrielle: You're enjoying this, aren't you? Punishing me, dangling the affair over my head, well I won't tolerate it! (steps on Carlos's golf ball as it's about to enter the hole) Carlos: Really? So just what are you gonna do about it? Gabrielle: I'm gonna let you even the score. Carlos, go have an affair! Carlos: What?! Gabrielle: I had my little indiscretion. So you go have yours. Get it out of your system. I know you want to. Carlos: I do not! Gabrielle: Sure you do. Knock yourself out. Call up an old college flame. Rent a call girl. Fly to Africa, and nail that little nun you've been drooling over. I don't care! Carlos: You're crazy. Gabrielle: No, I'm pragmatic. Because once you finish your fling, we'll be equals again. And then you won't be able to judge me. And then we can go back to being a boring average married couple. As she walks away Gabrielle: Oh, just do me a favor, don't bring back any diseases.

(Paul storms out of his front door to Mike's house. Mike is in the front yard, raking.) Paul: Delfino? (He punches Mike.) Paul: Stay away from my son! (Paul walks back toward his house as Susan backs out of her driveway. Mike gets up and chases Paul. Susan looks over just as Mike tackles Paul.) Susan: Oh, my God! (Paul and Mike wrestle. Susan, watching them, does not see the oncoming car. The car honks and Susan swerves, hitting Monroe's car, which is still parked in front of the Applewhite house. The trunk pops up. Zach runs out to his father. Mike runs after Susan's car. The Applewhites come out of their house.) Zach: Dad! Mike: You okay? Susan: I'm fine. (Mrs. Fromme, walking her cat, looks in the opened trunk, and screams. Everyone walks over and sees the dead man in the trunk. Susan and Mike look at Paul, who raises his hands in denial.)

Mary Alice: Kisses are such simple things, we hardly notice them. But if we paid more attention, we'd see that each kiss conveys a meaning all its own. For example, some can say, 'I'm so happy to see you.' Or, 'I didn't realize you'd be here.' Or 'honey, it's time to stop drinking.' The trick is in knowing how to tell the difference.

Mary Alice:(narrating) The act itself never varies, but each kiss conveys a meaning all it's own. It can mean a husband's eternal devotion (shot of Tom and Lynette passionantely kissing in bed)Or a wife's enormous regret (shot of Gabrielle giving Carlos a quick kiss) It can symbolize a mother's growing concern (Shot of Betty kissing Caleb lightly) Or a lover's growing passion (shot of Andrew and Justin passionantely making out) But whatever it's meaning, (shot of Edie and Karl kissing) each kiss reflects a basic human need (shot of Alberta Frome kissing her cat) The need to connect to another human being (shot of Bree kissing her fingers, and placing those fingers on a photo of Rex.) This desire is so strong, it's always amazing when some people don't understand it. (Shot of Paul watching Julie and Zach kiss.)

Matthew: Are you worried yet? Cause I am. Betty: Not yet, just be patient, see what happens. (Edie, Bree, Susan and Gaby look over at Betty and Matthew standing on the porch. Betty smiles and waves, and they wave back) Betty: Now I'm worried.

Andrew: When the cops get here, my official position will be "Oh, my god, I'm being raised by a homicidal maniac!" I think I might even throw in a few tears. Bree: You would actually let the police arrest your own mother? Andrew: Hey, we all gotta cut the apron strings at some point.

Andrew: I wonder how they'll react when they find out you killed George Williams. Bree: I didn't kill George! Andrew: Well, no, but you sat there and let him die, which ,I'm no lawyer but I'm pretty sure there's a crime in there somewhere.

Bree: Okay, first of all I want you to march back upstairs and tell your friend he is no longer welcome in this house! Andrew: But we haven't even had breakfast yet.

Edie: What do you guys think about the Applewhites? Susan: I like 'em, very nice, very... Bree: Interesting. Susan: Right! Interesting! Edie: Hmm, they weird me out too.

Bree: (after seeing her son kiss his boyfriend outside) Get over here. Now! Andrew: Somebody's angry. Did one of your soufflés fall? Bree: I saw what you did with your friend. Andrew: Oh! And you didn't turn into a pillar of salt? Good for you. Bree: This is not a joke, Andrew. What if the neighbors had seen you? Andrew: Oh, I'd hope they'd think that I landed a hottie.

Bree: (to Karl) My son is trying to blackmail me, and I would like you to stop the little S.O.B.

Lynette: Are you drunk? Tom: I'm a hot guy living in a neighborhood of lonely ladies!

(Lynette comes home from the supermarket suspiscious of Tom and Gabrielle) Tom: Did you get the bread? Lynette: They were out. Tom: Of bread?

Gabrielle: On behalf of cheerleaders everywhere... (She grabs Tom and kisses him)