Desperate Housewives

Mary Alice: (closing voiceover) And suddenly there he was (referring to Mike). Like a phoenix rising from the ashes. And just like that, Susan was happy. Life was suddenly full of possibilities. Not to mention a few unexpected surprises. The next day my friends came together to pack away my clothes, my personal belongings and what was left of my life. Not quite, Gabrielle, not quite. How ironic to have something I tried so desperately to keep secret treated so casually. I'm so sorry, girls, I never wanted you to be burdened with this.

Mary Alice: (about Edie) Susan had met the enemy, and she was a slut.

Rex: I can't believe you tried to kill me. Bree: Yes, well, I feel badly about that.

Mary Alice: My name is Mary Alice Young. When you read this morning's paper you may come across an article about the unusual day I had last week. Normally there is never anything newsworthy about my life, but that all changed last Thursday. Of course everything seemed quite normal at first. I made breakfast for my family, I performed my chores, I completed my projects, I ran my errands. In truth, I spent the day as I spent every other day, quietly polishing the routine of my life, until it gleamed with perfection. That's why it was so astonishing when I decided to go to my hallway closet and retrieve a revolver that had never been used.

Gabrielle: This table is hand carved, Carlos had it imported from Italy. It cost him $22 000. John: So, you wanna do it on the table this time? Gabrielle: Absolutely.

Bree: First of all, your father can't eat onions. He's deathly allergic. And I won't even dignify your navy bean suggestion. (turns to Andrew) So, how's the osso buco? Andrew: It's okay. Bree: It's okay? Andrew, I spent three hours cooking this meal. How do you think it makes me feel when you say it's okay in that sullen tone? Andrew: Who asked you to spend three hours on dinner? Bree: (shocked) Excuse me? Andrew: Tim Harper's mom gets home from work, pops open a can of pork and beans, and boom, they're eating. Everyone's happy. Bree: You'd rather I serve pork and beans? Danielle: (turns to Andrew) Apologize now, I am begging you.

Bree (to Rex): If you think I'm going to discuss the dissolution of my marriage in a place where the restrooms are labeled 'Chicks' and 'Dudes', you're out of your mind!

Bree: (at the dinner table) Rex. Seeing as you are the head of this household I would appreciate it if you said something. Rex: Pass the salt.

Gabrielle: It's like my grandmother always said: An erect penis doesn't have a conscience. Lynette: Even the limp ones aren't that ethical.

Lynette: Oh, wait, I forgot to tell you. I had some trouble with swelling so the doctor took me off the pill so you're just gonna have to put on a condom. Tom: Condom? What's the big deal? Let's risk it. Lynette: Let's risk it? Tom: Yeah. (Lynette punches him in the face)

Susan: How would you feel if I used your child support payments for plastic surgery? Julie: You look fine. Susan: If you could cut back to two meals a day, I could get a chemical peel.

John: So, why are we here? Why are we doing this? (In bed having affair) Gabrielle: Because I don't want to wake up one morning with the sudden urge to blow my brains out. John: Hey, can I have a drag? Gabrielle: Absolutely not. You're much too young to smoke.

Rex: (to Bree) I want a divorce. I just can't live in this detergent commercial anymore. I'm sick of the bizarre way your hair doesn't move. I'm sick of you making our bed in the morning before I've even used the bathroom. You're this plastic suburban housewife with her pearls and her spatula who says things like, "We owe the Hendersons a dinner." Where's the woman I fell in love with, who used to burn the toast and drink milk out of the carton, and laugh? I need her. Not this cold, perfect thing you've become.

Danielle: Why can't we ever have normal soup? Bree: Danielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree.

Andrew: I'm saying, do you always have to serve cuisine? Can't we ever just have food? Bree: Are you doing drugs? Andrew: What? Bree: Change in behavior is one of the warning signs and you have been as fresh as paint for the last six months. That certainly would explain why you're always locked in the bathroom. Danielle: Trust me, that is not what he is doing. Andrew: Shut up.

Carlos: It's business. Tanaka expects everyone to bring their wives. Gabrielle: Every time I'm around that man, he tries to grab my ass. Carlos: I made over $200,000 doing business with him last year. If he wants to grab your ass, you let him.

Carlos: At the Donahue party everyone was talking mutual funds, and you found a way to mention you slept with half of the Yankee outfield. Gabrielle: I'm telling you, it came up in the context of the conversation.

Rex: Since when do you make mistakes? Bree: What's that supposed to mean? Rex: It means I'm sick of you being so damn perfect all the time. I'm sick of the bizarre way your hair doesn't move. I'm sick of you making our bed in the morning before I've even used the bathroom. You're this plastic suburban housewife with her pearls and her spatula who says things like "we owe the Hendersons a dinner." Where's the woman I fell in love with? Who used to burn the toast and drink milk out of the carton? And laugh? I need her. Not this cold perfect thing you've become.

Susan: I have a clog. Mike: Excuse me? Susan: And you're a plumber, right? Mike: Yeah. Susan: The clog's in the pipe. Mike: Yeah, that's usually where they are.

Susan: I just don't know how I'm going to survive this. Mary Alice: Listen to me. We all have moments of desperation. But if we face them head on, that's when we find out just how strong we really are.

Susan: (reading the blackmail note) Oh, Mary Alice, what did you do?

Lynette: What are you doing?! We are at a wake! Preston: When we got here you said we could go in the pool. Lynette: I said you could go by the pool. Do you have your swimsuits on? Preston: Yeah, we put them on under our clothes before we left.

Susan: Oh, I wouldn't eat that if I were you. Mike: Why? Susan: I made it, trust me. (Mike prepares to take a bite) Hey, hey, do you have a death wish? Mike: No, I just refuse to believe that anybody can screw up macaroni and cheese. (Mike takes a bites of the macaroni, as Susan gestures apologetically, smiling) Mike: Oh my God. (makes a face) How did you… it tastes like it's burnt and undercooked. Susan: Yeah, I get that a lot. Here you go. (Susan gets a tissue and gives it to him, as he spits his mouthful of macaroni and cheese into the tissue)

Julie: Ugh, you need to get back out there. Come on. How long has it been since you've had sex? (Susan's pen halts stroke. She turns to look at Julie, open-mouthed) Are you mad that I asked you that? Susan: No, I'm just trying to remember. (Julie tilts her head to one side, smiling at Susan, who turns back to her drawing) I don't wanna talk to you about my love life anymore, it weirds me out.

Julie: Stop being so nervous, you're just asking him out to dinner. It's no big deal. Susan: You're right. (stalling) So, is that your project for school? You know in 5th grade I made the white house out of sugar cubes. Julie: Stop stalling and go. Before Mike figures out he can do better. Susan: (gapes at Julie) Tell me again why I fought for custody of you? Julie: You were using me to hurt dad. Susan: Oh, that's right.

Susan: I can't believe it. This can't be happening. Mike can't like Edie better than me, he just can't! Julie: You don't know what's going on. Maybe they're just... having dinner. (Susan gives her a look) Julie: You're right. They're doing it.

Julie: Mom, why would someone kill themselves? Susan: Well, sometimes people are so unhappy, they think that's the only way they can solve their problems. Julie: But Mrs. Young always seemed happy. Susan: Yeah. But sometimes, people pretend to be one way on the outside, when they're totally different on the inside. Julie:Oh, you mean like how dad's girlfriend is always smiling and says nice things, but deep down, you just know she's a bitch? Susan: I don't like that word, Julie. But yeah, that's a great example.

(Rex has asked for a divorce in a family restaurant) Rex: Are we gonna talk about what I said? Bree: If you think I'm gonna discuss the dissolution of my marriage in a place where the restrooms are labeled "Chicks" and "Dudes", you are out of your mind.

Lynette: Now listen to me, you are going to behave. I will not be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood. And just so you know that I'm serious, I am. (She pulls out paper) Porter: What's that? Lynette: Santa's cell phone number! Preston: How'd you get that? Lynette: I know someone who knows someone who knows an elf. And if any of you acts up, so help me I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas! All right, are you willing to risk that!?