Desperate Housewives

Bree: Rex. In college, when we first started dating, people were so jealous of us. We were the golden couple. Everybody knew we were going to have this wonderful life. Why is this happening? Rex: Because you won't even let me pack my own suitcase.

Susan: Listen, Mike, about the whole "seeing me naked" thing. I just wanna thank you for being such a perfect gentleman. Mike: Oh, I wasn't a prefect gentleman, I might've snuck a peek. Susan: Oh, goodnight. Mike: And for what it's worth, wow.

Carlos: (about Bree) I would cry too if I had to have sex with her.

Bree: (at dinner) Rex cries after he ejaculates!

Rex: We're not really taking tennis lessons, Carlos. Carlos: You're not? Rex: It's a story Bree concocted to cover the fact we're seeing a marriage counselor. (Bree drops tray of food) Rex: Bree! Bree! (She takes his glass of wine) He wouldn't stop asking about the tennis pro! (to everyone) Bree and I are in marriage counseling. (to Bree) Everyone knows our little secret now. Did the sky fall? Has your life come crashing down?

Susan (barefoot and wearing only a towel and talking to Karl whose in the car): I can walk down the street and hold my head high. (She accidentally gets her towel caught on the door as she slams it and he drives off leaving Susan standing naked as she gasps) Susan: Oh! (Susan looks around, whimpers, and runs to her door with embarrassment and it's locked) Susan: Oh! (Susan hides behind the porch's support beam embarrassed)

Karl: The heart wants what it wants. Susan: Well, my heart wants to hurt you, but I can control myself!

Mary Alice: Lying naked in her shrubs, it occurred to Susan that this could be the most humiliating moment of her life. (Mike walks by and notices her naked in the shrubs) Mike: Susan? Mary Alice: She was wrong. Mike (averting his eyes and grinning): Uh...whatcha' doing? Susan: Locked myself out... naked. Mike: Oh. Susan: And then I fell (crosses her legs). So how are you? Mike: Good. I just got back. I was gone all day, and I got your message about dinner, and, um, I would love to come if the invite still stands. Susan: It's a date. Mike: Alright, I um, the dress is, uh, casual? Susan: Yeah, it's.. it's casual. (Mike nods, grinning as he walks off. Susan squeals and covers herself with the plants)

Susan: Thanks for helping me break in. Do you think it's gonna be hard to replace that screen? Mike: Well that depends. Nail it in yourself, you might wanna wear gloves. Or pants. Pants wouldn't hurt. Susan: Okay. I know what just happened is funny, in theory, but I am nowhere near ready to laugh about it. So please, no jokes. Bree: (opens the front door) Hey, where've you been? Mike: Um, Susan had a problem finding something to wear (stifles his laughter). Oh, was that the kinda thing you meant? Susan: Pretty much.

Lynette: (wanting to teach Tom a lesson) Sweetie, you know the rules about cookies, huh? Preston: Yeah we can't have them before dinner... Lynette: Well tonight, anything goes (hands him the cookies).

Lynette: Throw a dinner party? I don't even have time to wash my face!

Susan: You know what? I don't need an apology! I don't need anything from you! Karl: You're humiliating yourself! Susan: No, you're the one who's been humiliated, Karl. Why don't you see that? You walked out on your family! People think you're scum, not me! So worry about yourself! I'm okay with me! I can walk down the street and hold my head high!

Mary Alice: After I died, I began to surrender the parts of myself that were no longer necessary. My desires, beliefs, ambitions, doubts, every trace of my humanity was discarded. I discovered when moving through eternity, it helps to travel lightly. In fact, I held onto only one thing. My memory. It's astonishing to look back on the world I left behind. I remember it all, every single detail. Like my friend, Bree Van De Kamp, I remember the easy confidence of her smile, the gentle elegance of her hands, the refined warmth of her voice, but what I remember most about Bree, is the look of fear in her eyes Bree had started to realize her world was unraveling, and for a woman who despised loose ends, that was unacceptable…

Susan: You can afford a cabin but you can't scrape up child support? Karl: The check's in the mail. Susan: Uh...(checks mailbox)no, it's not.

Bree: Oh, and doctor, if what he is about to discuss has anything to do with adultery, prostitution or Internet pornography, I would really appreciate you taking a moral hard line.

Zach: Maybe when you die, I won't put in an obituary. Paul: That will be your choice to make. Assuming you outlive me.

Rex: So these tennis lessons we're taking. How are we doing? Bree: My back hand is improving immensely, but you're still having problems with your serve. Rex: Of course.

Susan: Lynette? Lynette: I'm in. Bree: I'll make braised lamb shanks. Lynette: I'm still in.

Mary Alice: Yes, I remember the world. Every detail. And what I remember most was how afraid I was (shot of Bree holding Mary Alice's audio tape). What a waste (Bree looks out the window). You see, to live in fear is not to live at all. I wish I could tell this to those I left behind (shot of Gabrielle and John sleeping in bed together), but would it do any good? Probably not (Gabrielle looks out the window). I understand now, there will always be those who face their fears (shot of Susan looking through pictures, she looks out the window). And there will always be those who run away (shot of Paul hammering a "For Sale" sign into the yard of his house).

Mary Alice (narrating): On Wisteria Lane, an unsettled Susan racked her brain to find a way into her own house. (She holds the plant in front of her naked body and sidesteps her way down the steps and toward the garden shed on the left side of the house which is also locked. She tiptoes to the window and tries to open it, but it's stuck. She puts the plant down and uses two hands to open it, but slips and falls on her back into her shrubs)

Gabrielle: (to Ashley, about kissing) And some people kiss their friends, it's like a high-five on the lips!