Desperate Housewives

Lynette: Hey, I told you I'm collecting queens. Tom: Shoot, that's right! Lynette: Oh, my God! Are you letting me win? Tom: I just wanna make you feel good! Lynette: By taking all the fun outta the kill?!? Tom: Honey, I'm sorry. It's jus--- I love you so much. Lynette: Out! Tom: What? Lynette: You are supposed to be distracting me not depressing the hell out of me! Tom: You're kicking me outta chemo? Lynette: I'll see ya at home! Tom: Honey, I'm your ride. Lynette: Just go, I'll cab it! Tom: There's that trooper that I admire so much! Lynette: Out!

Katherine: So, if it isn't the early morning gossip brigade. Who are we dishing today? Gabrielle: Oh, Susan. (Bree and Susan exchange looks, and Katherine looks straight at Susan who is right behind Gabrielle) Katherine: She's standing right there. (Gabrielle turns around pretending to be surprised with Susan's presence.) Gabrielle: Oh my God! Have you been there this whole time? (Susan looks at Gabrielle and starts laughing.)

Mary Alice: You will never see despair here. Or rage. You will never see the tiniest bit of regret. You see, the people who live here have learned there's one sure way of hiding their secrets from their neighbors. That's why in the suburbs, there is nothing more deceptive than a smile.

Mary Alice: There is nothing more deceptive than a smile. And no one knows this better than the people who hide behind them. Some flash their teeth as a polite warning to their enemies. Some put on beaming faces to keep their tears from falling. Others wear silly grins to mask their fear. But then, there is that rare smile that is actually genuine, it's the smile of a person who knows his troubles will soon…be over.

Susan: (to Julie) You know? This perfect teenager thing is really starting to chap my ass!

Bree: So what did Julie say exactly? Susan: She said Dylan's not the same girl. Gabrielle: Not the same girl like she's changed? Or not the same girl like she's been replaced by a robot?

(Matt opens the door to find Susan scantily dressed.) Matt: Hi. It's my birthday. Susan: Oh, that must mean you're Matt. I'm Susan Mayer and I...Alrighty! (Matt grabs Susan's hand and pulls her in. He drags her to the back room where a bunch of young boys are.) Matt: Boomer, you magnificent bastard, you actually did it! Boomer: It wasn't me, but happy birthday, man! Matt: It was somebody, who cares? Gather around, man! (The guys set up the chairs facing Susan.) Matt: You like this music? Susan: Uh, yeah, it's fine. Would somebody just tell me where I can find... Boomer: Enough talking. Take it off!! We're feeling generous tonight. (Boomer tries to put a dollar in Susan's bra.) Susan: Oh, my God! I'm not a stripper! Matt: You're not? Boomer: Is this gonna happen or what? Matt: Boomer, she's not a stripper! Boomer: Well, what's with the implants? Susan: I'm pregnant! Guy #3: That's hot! (Matt is leading Susan out of the room.) Matt: Sorry, I should've known you were Julie's mom. You're way too gorgeous to be a stripper. Susan: If that's your lame attempt to keep me from calling your parents... It worked. Well played. (Susan sees Julie across the room. She starts going across the room and trips.) Julie: Mom! What are you doing here? Susan: I'm taking you home. This party is out of control! Julie: No, it's not! Susan: Well, of course you don't think it is, because you are knocking back a big cup of... (Susan drinks from Julie's cup) Susan: Orange soda. Julie: I don't believe this. Susan: Well, believe it! We're going. You too, Dylan. Come on. Julie: And what are you wearing? It's embarrassing! Susan: Yeah, well, Boomer likes it.

(Bree knocks on the door.) Katherine: Bree. Bree: I hope this isn't a bad time. I just wanted to bring you a housewarming gift. It's the recipe for my special minced meat pie. It wouldn't be Thanksgiving at my house without it. Katherine: Well, are you thoughtful?! (Katherine opens her recipe box.) Katherine: Let me just file this in my recipe box. Bree: Well, as long as we're swapping pie recipes, I would love the one for your fabulous Lemon Merengue. Katherine: Really? I'm so flattered you'd ask, but I don't share that. (Katherine slams the recipe lid down and puts the box in her cupboard.) Bree: Excuse me? Katherine: You have to understand, I experimented for years before I came up with my secret ingredient. Bree: Which is what? Vanilla? Nutmeg? Cardemen? Katherine: If I told you, it wouldn't be a secret anymore. It would just be an ingredient. Bree: Well, that hardly seems neighborly. After all, I just gave you the recipe for my minced meat pie. Katherine: Yes, it's a very good one. I have the book it came from. Bree: The recipe's not from a book. That recipe was handed down to me from my mother. Katherine: Well, unless your mother was Betty Crocker, she got it from a book. Oh, dear. Now I've upset you. Bree: No, no. I'm not upset. I'm just confused as to why you seem so determined to get off on the wrong foot. First you bring a pie to Lynette's when I clearly assigned you the salad. Katherine: Now, see, that's where I'm confused. Just what, please, gives you the right to decide who brings what to a luncheon that I suggested? Bree: Well, it's tradition! I always organize our little get togethers and I always bring dessert. Katherine: Well, then, how lovely that I'm back. I can shoulder that burden for you. Bree: Just give me the recipe! Katherine: Sorry. I can't. I do hope this doesn't keep us from being friends because I like you, Bree. (Katherine opens her front door. Bree walks out the door.) Katherine: And I'm sure if you put your mind to it, you can come up with an even better lemon merengue pie than mine. The trick is finding that perfect blend of sweet and sour. Bree: Well, you've certainly mastered that, dear. (Katherine closes the door on Bree.)

(There are numerous pies on the counter with one pie missing) Orson: She upstaged your lemon merengue pie? You've gotta be kidding. Bree: (busy mixing a bowl on the stove) I'm not. That despicable woman was just supposed to bring a simple green salad. She not only brought a pie, she hid mine and served hers! Orson: That's beyond despicable. That's culinary terrorism! Bree: Oh, it gets worse. Her pie was better than mine. Orson: Impossible! Bree: It's true. Everyone thought so. Even me. Oh, and that simple green salad. Mosh and baby arugula with duck confete and candied walnuts! Orson: My God. She plays to win. Bree: I have been here for hours trying to replicate her recipe and nothing has even come close! Orson: Don't be so hard on yourself. (eating pie) This one is fantastic. Bree: THAT'S HERS!! Orson: Sorry. Bree: Orson. What am I gonna do? Orson: You might have to bite the bullet and ask her for her recipe. Bree: What? Surrender? Debase myself? Orson: Bree! It's your signature pie! You make it for parties, church suppers, bake sales. If she's always right there behind you with her superior version, staking out her claim as Fairview's Number One homemaker! Bree: She will have stolen my entire identity. Orson: Well, I wouldn't go that far. Bree: No, it's true. The only thing about me that's special is what I can do in the kitchen. You're right. I have got to get that recipe. By any means necessary.

(Katherine, Dylan and Adam come home.) Katherine: You can't believe what Karen McCluskey tells you. She's an old woman. Practically senile. Dylan: She didn't sound senile to me. Adam: Dylan, maybe this is not the time, okay? Dylan: You said my father didn't care about me, but she says he came here. He wanted to see me. Why would you not tell me that? (They enter the house. Bree is just about to cut the lock.) Dylan: He's my father. I deserve to know. Katherine: The only thing you need to know about that man is he's a monster. Dylan: I can decide that for myself. Where is he? Katherine: I don't know. Dylan: You're lying. Adam: No she's not. Dylan: Yes, she is. She's been lying to me my whole life! I'm starting to think maybe you're the monster! (Katherine slaps Dylan. Bree is listening to everything. Dylan runs upstairs.) Katherine: She can't talk to me that way. Not after everything I've done for her. Adam: Well, maybe that's the problem. She's doesn't know what you've done for her. Katherine: Nobody does. And it's gonna stay that way. Adam: Are you sure? She's just gonna keep asking questions. Katherine: Then we better start coming up with better lies. (Bree sneaks out of Katherine's house and goes home.)

Mike: More syrup? Susan: Missy Taylor?!? Mike: Carry on.

Mike: Susan! Susan: What? I'm eating for two. Mike: Well, do both of you wanna be fat? Susan: Okay, when I'm in labor and I'm pushing and screaming to bring your child into the world, do you really want me to remember that you denied me syrup? Mike: Carry on.

Julie: (to Dylan) Call me tomorrow. We'll go to a movie my mom can drag us out of!

(About Susan's larger breasts.) Mike: Pick those up and bring them over here!

Gabrielle: Generally speaking, women don't leave their husbands for guys who have girlfriends.