Desperate Housewives

Lynette: Sorry, can you say that again? I don't think I heard you right.
Gabrielle: Carlos and I are back together.
Lynette: Gaby, you just got married!
Bree: And some of us gave you very expensive wedding gifts.
Gabrielle: Oh, you want the fondue set back? Fine. But don't act like it cost a bundle 'cause it clearly didn't.
Susan: I got you the fondue set.
Gabrielle: Oh... right... it's nice.
Bree: Oh my God, it's gonna kill Edie!
Gabrielle: You would think so but no such luck. That vindictive hag told Victor everything.

Mike: I'm sick of explaining myself. If I need a pill now and then, I'll take one! So where are they?
Susan: Sorry. Can't tell you.
Mike: I'm serious, Susan! Give them to me!
Susan: Forget it!
Mike: Hey!! Don't walk away from me! SUSAN!!
Susan: Let go of me! YEOW!!!
(Susan accidentally falls down the stairs.)

Katherine: I don't believe a word you say!
Sylvia: So you still don't think I slept with Adam?
Katherine: Of course not.
Sylvia: Oh. Well, then let me paint a picture for you. Me lying in his arms, him wondering out loud how he ended up marrying such a cold, hard bitch.
(Katherine angrily spits in Sylvia's face.)

Mrs. McCluskey: Lynette! What the hell did I tell you?!
Lynette: Look, I'm not gonna sit and watch my husband suffocate!
Mrs. McCluskey: Well, I don't want Ida to wake up and find her cat missing!
Lynette: Karen, after all our years of friendship, how can you choose a cat over my husband?
Mrs. McCluskey: Why? You think we're friends?
Lynette: Of course.
Mrs. McCluskey: Really? Do you ever stop by just to say hi or invite me for a cup of tea? Ida does.
Lynette: What are you talking about? I had you over for lemonade last week.
Mrs. McCluskey: And while I was drinking it, you went to the store and I watched the kids. Face it. The only time that we're friends is when you need something.
Lynette: That is not true! I genuinely care about you.
Mrs. McCluskey: You mean like today, when you came to check on me? Oh, that's right. You only wanted a basement!

Susan (to Mike): No. There's no tomorrow. It's now or never. You will quit this now. You will go to rehab or, so help me, I will leave you. I will take this baby and I will leave you.
Mike (to Susan): You win. I'll go.

Gabrielle: Can I say something?
Edie: What?
Gabrielle: I'm sorry Carlos and I lied to you. I know we hurt you. And I wish it didn't happen, the way it did. And I just wanted you to know that.
Edie (to Gabrielle): Why are you talking like that?
Gabrielle: Well, I thought, just in case we...
Edie: Oh, no you don't! You just shut the hell up. I'm not doing any death bed confessions here. When we get through this, I'm gonna go on hating you for years to come.
Gabrielle: You really hate me?
Edie: Yes! (But then Edie realizes what has happened and then sighs.)
Edie: No. It's just that I really let myself fall for him...which was stupid, because I always knew that he'd go back to you.
(Gabrielle and Edie hear a bang and then hug each other.)
Gabrielle: Well, I'm still sorry, though.
Edie: (calmly) I said shut the hell up.

Carlos: Gaby! Change of plans! We gotta get in the basement now! Gaby! Dammit, where are you?
Victor's voice: Hello, Carlos. I've been expecting you.
(Carlos turns around and sees Victor Lang sitting in a chair.)
Carlos: Where's Gabby?
Victor: I thought she was with you. I don't know where she is. I guess we'll just have to wait for her together.
(Victor takes out his gun. Carlos sees this as a threat.)

(Adam bangs on bathroom door.)
Adam: Come on, Sylvia! Please open the door! Sylvia!!
(Front door opens. Orson enters and closes front door.)
Orson: Sorry I'm late!! Thank God you're here! We gotta get in the bathroom!
Bree: We can't. There's a woman in there!
Orson: Well, tell her to hurry it up!

Edie: I have a crawl space. I think we can both fit!
(Edie rushes Gabrielle into crawl space)
Gabrielle: You just threw my money in a tornado! I am not getting in there with you!
Edie (opening the door to the crawl): Fine! Then stay out here and die.
(They hear something breaking)
Gabrielle: Move your ass!

Gabrielle: Give me the damn folder, Edie!
Edie: Ah, ah, ah! Not gonna happen!
Gabrielle: It's worthless to you!
Edie: You and Carlos are screwed without it. And that is worth a lot to me!
Gabrielle: Give me my money!
Edie: (holding the folder) What do you mean, your money? Carlos embezzled it.
Gabrielle: Oh, and now you're moral all of a sudden? You didn't care where the money was coming from when you thought Carlos was gonna spend it on you.
Edie: Okay. I'm not unreasonable. Cut me in for say...60% and I'll get out of your hair. How does that sound?
(Gabrielle thinks for a second, then, with a battle cry, steps on the couch and jumps on Edie to get the folder.)

Al Kaminsky: Gabrielle?
Edie: Excuse me?
Al Kaminsky: Sorry, I'm in a rush. My wife's alone with the kids, and I have to get home before the storm hits. This is the information Carlos asked for.
Edie: About what?
Al Kaminsky: About the Cayman island account. Didn't he tell you I was coming?
Edie: Yeah, of course he did. (imitates Gabrielle) He said that you'd be stopping by. Duh.
Al Kaminsky: This is everything you need to access the money. I washed my hands of this. So whatever you do, don't lose that folder. Got it?
Edie: Believe me, I won't let it out of my sight.
Al Kaminsky: All right. Nice to finally meet you, Gabrielle. You're just as pretty as Carlos said you were.
Edie: Oh no. I'm prettier.

Ida: What's that noise? Is that the tornado?
Mrs. McCluskey: Worse. It's the Scavos!
Lynette: We're here!
Mrs. McCluskey: I know!

Bree: So this is why you moved back to Fairview.
Katherine: It was supposed to be our first start. Well, now you know our dirty little secret.
Bree: Well, Katherine, for what it's worth, I would've spit in her face, too.

Katherine: What is she doing there in the first place?
Bree: I saw her weeping. I only wanted to help.
Katherine: You wanted dirt. And I'll bet she told you plenty.
Bree: I can't help having a sympathetic face!
(Adam knocks on the bathroom door.)
Adam: Sylvia? I need you to come out here, okay? It's very important that I speak to you.
Sylvia: Adam? Is that you, darling?
Katherine: (bangs on the door) Don't call him that!
Sylvia: Katherine! I'm not coming out if she's here!
Katherine: And I'm not leaving you alone with my husband, either!
Bree: Just come out! I'll get rid of her.

(Orson is about to perform on a patient, Susan walks in on them.)
Susan: Orson, we need to talk!
Orson: Susan. I'm with a patient.
Susan: Yeah. I can see that. (to the lady): Hi. I'm his neighbor. Cute shoes! (turns to Orson very quickly): Why the hell would you give Mike drugs?!
Orson: Uh, Mrs. Kowalski, we're gonna step out for just a moment.
Susan: No need. I'll be quick. Because I'm sure you have a very good reason for giving Mike pills when you know that he has a drug problem. So what is your very good reason?
(Orson hesitates.)
Susan: Okay, this may take a while. You might want to spit.
Orson: Mike was having a lot of pain with his shoulder.
Susan: Oh, of course. And you know all about shoulder pain, being a dentist.
Orson: And I thought I was helping.
Susan: By giving pills to an addict?! Does that sound helpful to you, Mrs. Kowalski?
Mrs. Kowalski: Uh huh.
Susan: Thank you! Finally!! Some sanity.
Orson: Susan, you have to leave.
Susan: Fine. I'll go. But you know, if I find out that you have given Mike so much as a breath mint, trust me, and believe me when I say this, there's not enough Novocaine in this office to numb the pain that I will inflict on you.

Sylvia: You think I'm making this up? We were lovers. I can prove it. He has a snake tattoo on his right shoulder. I licked it!
Bree: Be that as it may, I really think you should go now.
Sylvia: No one believes me! She has you all brainwashed!

Gabrielle: Edie, you thief! You open this door right now!
Edie: I've called the police. They're on their way. And they are going to taser your ass!