Desperate Housewives

Susan: You can't retire. I break too many things! Eli: I know! You're paying for my trip to Hawaii.

Eli: Come on! You've had a gay guy sleeping with you for two years; now those guys are pretty hard to land. (Eli and Edie both laugh) Eli: Now trust me, no need to be sad. You're a knockout. (Eli kisses Edie's hand. In response to this, Edie holds Eli's hand tighter) Eli: I...I need this hand back. It's hard to be a handy man without a hand. (Edie gives Eli a very passionate kiss) Eli: Ms. Britt, what are you doing? Edie: Put the mirror over my bed. (pushes Eli backward onto the bed) You know exactly what I'm doing. (climbs onto the bed and prepares to ride Eli) Eli: Are you sure about this? I don't want to take advantage over you, unless I have to. (Edie rips open Eli's shirt) Edie: Oh, I'm sure you'll be gentle. (rips open her own shirt, exposing her bra)

Lynette: Allright... Time for my luck to change. This hand is for Eli. (Looks at her cards) Hmm... next hand is for Eli.

Eli: The ladies in this neighborhood are actually pretty nice. Gabrielle: Yeah. They came by. Brought muffins. One of them wants her basket back. Eli: (laughs) That'd be Bree.

(Susan is crying) Eli: Are you alright? (Susan shakes a no with the head) No, of course you're not; I heard you and Mike are getting divorced. I'm sorry. Probably not what you wanna hear but I thought you were a great couple. Susan: (Crying) Thanks.. sweet. Eli: Do you maybe remember what you wanna me to do? Susan: (Still crying) Locks.

Lynette: I got the job! Tom: Congratulations, baby's arm's sticking out, why don't you high five it?

(Gabrielle's thinking about Eli, and what he has done for her) Bree: Gaby? Gabrielle: I'm sorry, what? Susan: We're getting a wreath for Eli's funeral, are you in? Gabrielle: Actually why you don't let me pay for it? It could still be from all of us. Lynette: No, you don't have to do that. Gabrielle: I sort of do.

Gabrielle: I've only lived here a month and I want to put a gun to my head, (laughs, slaps her hand on Mary Alice's arm and looking at her) know what I mean?

(Lynette's throwing up on the toilet) Tom: Oh my gosh Lynette! Are you okay? Lynette: The doctor just called. I'm pregnant. Tom: This is fantastic! Lynette: (sarcastically) Yeah. Whooptiduh!

Bree: Do you have your copy? Gabrielle: I'll go get it. (Gabrielle took the book from under a table.) Bree: You use my cookbook to balance your table?! Gabrielle: Oh, it's only temporary. Juanita needed her coloring book back.

(Gabrielle knocking on Lynette's door. Lynette opens the door) Gabrielle: I brought muffins. Lynette: (Nodding trying to be polite) That's so nice. We were just.. Gabrielle: ..playing poker, and I wasn't invited. I know, I get it. I just wanted to tell you guys, I know I made a terrible first impression. Now you know why models don't usually talk. Because we say a lot of stupid patronising things that make people avoid us. What I should have said was:"My husband is never home.. I miss the city.. I miss my life.. I'm lonely all the time.. and I could really use some friends. (Giving to Lynette the basket of muffins) Anyway, here.

Gabrielle: (Opening an expansive present from Carlos) What's the catch? Carlos: What are you talking about? Gabrielle: You never buy me presents unless I'm mad or about to be mad, and I don't think I am mad, so why am I about to be?

Bree: (To the undertaker. She fix a rose that have fallen from the wreath) Wait. I wanted to fix something for Eli for a change.

Mary Alice: (closing voiceover) Eli Scruggs sat in his truck for almost an hour, devastated that he had done nothing to save me. He then made a quiet vow to God. From that moment forward, he would do what he could to help people. To help them fix their lives. And for the rest of his life, that's exactly what he did. (To Eli's funeral, Bree fixes his wreath, that was missing a rose) And somewhere in a place reserved for the very best of us, Eli Scruggs smiled and said 'thank you'.

Mary Alice: (voiceover) Eli Scruggs was buried on a Saturday and all the people that Eli had helped over the years came to pay their last respects. But one person was missing. Someone who had changed Eli's life in a way he never forgot.

Eli: You're doing alright though? Susan: Oh, well, on the one hand I got dumped, for a pair of headlights named Brandy. On the other, I reported Karl's credit card stolen and I cut the pockets out of all his pants so, a little from column A, a little from column B.

Lynette: We agreed I could go back to work after I gave birth. Tom: After, Lynette, not during.

Lynette: (to Tom) I swear if you touch this phone, I'll have this baby right here and then beat you with it.

Edie: Wait a second. What do you think of my ass? Eli: Sorry? Edie: My ass, on a scale from one to ten? Eli: I, uh... Edie: Tick tock! Eli: Ten. It's ten. Edie: And the boobs? Perky and firm? Eli: You've named them? Edie: Oh, come on, Eli. My husband won't have sex with me! I just need to make sure it's not...me.

Tom: (to Bree) If you're looking for a stove, we've got one that's hardly ever been used. Lynette: I wish I could say the same for my uterus.

Eli: By the way, you made quite an impression at the poker game. Gaby: Really? Eli: Oh yeah, the ladies can't stop talking about you. Gaby: Aw, I'm sure it was kind of exciting for them to have a star in their midst. Eli: Oh, let me think, did they say star? I heard stuck-up, obnoxious, bitch.

Mary Alice: (voiceover) It took an hour for someone to finally notice the body lying atop Susan Mayer's roof. It was less than ten minutes later that the neighbors began arriving. Each determined to get a look at the various paramedics and policemen who were all frantically trying to figure out exactly how to bring the body down. And it took two days for my friends to realise this tragedy had affected them more than they were willing to admit.

Mary Alice: (voiceover) With that, Eli Scruggs climbed his ladder for the very last time. And once he had finished making his last repair, Eli Scruggs, quietly, with no fuss, had a heart attack and died. And, most importantly, without leaving a mess.

Mary Alice: (opening voiceover) Eli Scruggs was the handiest of all handymen. You could ask any of his customers and they would tell you there was nothing he couldn't fix. Whether it was a broken vase, a leaky pipe or a shaky banister, Eli always knew how to get the job done. But sadly, the man who had fixed so many things for the residents of Wisteria Lane, was now about to break their hearts.