Desperate Housewives

(All the kids are reaching for the brownies Stella made and she stops them) Stella: Shoo! Those are only for grownups. Kayla: But, why? Stella: Because they have special medicine in them. Porter: Like the grown-up ice tea you always drink? Stella: Similar! How about some ice cream instead? And you can watch TV until your eyes fall out.

(Gabrielle and Bree are talking on the phone) Gabrielle: She slapped her kid? No! Bree: Yes. And get this. When Adam said Dylan would just keep asking questions, Katherine said, and I quote, 'Well, we're just going to have to find better lies.' Oh, hang on, I've got another call. Gabrielle: Don't answer it. It's Susan. She's hosting another game night. Bree: Another one? It's time for an anonymous letter.

(Susan walks into the garage to see Mike building a crib) Susan: Hey, what's this? Mike: A crib. Oh, and look! Safety latch. I figured if the baby takes after you accident-proof is key.

Mary Alice: Yes, not all adults like to play games, but the ones who do - play to win.

Tom: You feeling okay? Cause you're acting kinda spacey. Lynette: Yeah, no, I'm good. Do you think they have any grapes or lobster?

(Lynette and the kids are watching tv and laughing out loud.) Parker: It's funny, isn't it? Lynette: Are you kidding? It's genius. He's a sponge, but he talks. Stella: Well, looks like somebody is feeling a little better. Lynette: Yeah, I guess that anti-nausea medicine finally kicked in. Stella: That must be it.

Susan: And the whole time, I just kept thinking "this is Bree's doctor. Bree recommended him. He must be the best. So I didn't worry when it was between a needle's exchange and the area's only transvestite bookstore. And I ignored that my shoes stuck to the floor, and there was a cigarette machine in the waiting room. But when I saw the ant traps on his speculum tray, I thought that you and I should have a talk. Bree: Oh, Susan, I am so sorry, and of course I will pay for the slashed tire and the stolen cell phone... Susan: That is not the point! Why would you send me to somebody who is obviously not your doctor? Bree: I can't tell you that. Susan: Why not!? Bree: Uh, it's private. Susan: You know what else is private? The parts of me that I'm pretty sure he snapped with his camera phone!

Stella: Shoo.... Those are only for grownups. Kayla: Why? Stella: Uh, because they have special medicine in them. Porter: Like the grownup iced tea you always drink? Stella: Similar. How about some ice cream instead? And you can watch tv 'til your eyes fall out. (The kids run toward the living room and she grabs Parker by the shirt) Stella: You, stay! Grandma needs a favor and you've got just the face for it.

Lynette: Tom, hair loss and constant nausea, those are inconveniences. Losing at charades to Susan Mayer that is just flat out intolerable!

Bree: Where on earth did you get skates in a convent? Danielle: I borrowed them from one of the eating-disorder girls. They have all the good exercise equipment.

Stella: Here's the thing. My daughter has cancer. She's so nauseous, she stopped eating, and I can't just stand by and watch her waste away. So, I asked around and.... people thought you might be able to get me what I need. You're following my drift? Andrew: Uh, yeah, you, you want me to score you some weed? Stella: Ha! The best stuff you can get! Nothing is too good for my little girl!

Stella: Come on, let momma score you some kick-ass chronic?!? Lynette: Kick-ass chronic? Uh, you're a grandmother, shouldn't you be off somewhere knitting an afghan? Stella: Just trying to ease your pain. Lynette: Well, thanks, but I prefer not to get my medication from some guy under a bridge.

Mary Alice: All children love to play games. But before they can race their bikes, or jump their ropes, or toss their Frisbees, children understand they must first convince their friends to play along with them. The same is true for adults.

(Dylan and Julie are going through boxes.) Julie: Uh, okay. You've got to remember this. (holding up a Teddy bear) This is Bodsworth. You took him everywhere. Dylan: No. I think I'd remember a bear that ugly. Julie: Well, clearly, it's yours. Your mom kept it all these years and he's here in your old room. Dylan: Wait, this was my old room? I don't think so. My mom told me I'm in my old room down the hall. Julie: No, this was your room. What are you talking about? (Katherine walks in.) Katherine: Evening, girls. Julie: Hey! How was the party? Katherine: It was lovely. I think your mother would like you home to help clean up. (Julie gets up and walks out.) Dylan: I'm sorry, Momma. Katherine: It's okay, sweetie. But I don't want you seeing that girl. (Dylan walks out.)

Susan: When our babies go to college, we'll be like... Bree: Dead?

Bree: Hey Susan! What's up? Susan: I need a favour... I remember you mentioning that you liked your obstetrician. Can I get his number? Bree: I thought you were using Dr. Mayfair... Susan: Yeah, I don't know... It's getting a little weird. You know, Adam is my neighbour... Bree: But you don't mind Orson being your dentist. Susan: Well, that's because I don't blush when Orson says "Open Wide."

(Gabrielle is picking her team) Orson: (whispering) You should pick Edie. Gabrielle: Why? Orson: The woman just tried to commit suicide, don't make her the last pick, she's still fragile. Gabrielle: Good point. Mike!

Stella: Perhaps a little visit from my old friend Mary Jane?

(Lynette is pointing to Edie at the charades party as her clue to her team players.) Edie: Me! Susan: Edie? Woman? Blonde? Bleach?

Mary Alice: All children love games. But children grow up and then they find new games to play. They pretend to be well so their families won't worry. They lie to their lovers about where they go in the afternoon. They invent stories to hide the truth from their friends. Yes, everyone has fun playing games, right up until the moment someone gets hurt.

Katherine: Would it be too much to ask you to keep your hands off my husband? Gabrielle: What? I spilled my drink on him. Katherine: And you're trying to make up for it by breast-feeding him? Adam: Uh, Katherine? Gabrielle: Look, lady, you need to calm down. You're getting a reputation around here for having a stick up your ass! Katherine: Better that reputation than the one you're toting around. Gabrielle: And what, may I ask, do you mean by that? Susan: Okay, back to Charades. Gabrielle: You stay out of this, Susan! Katherine: Never mind. Forget it. Gabrielle: No, tell me. What's my reputation? Am I smug and holier-than-thou? Oh, no, wait. Let me guess. That's you. (Victor walks into the room.) Katherine: Let me be specific. By reputation, I mean that you are the kind of woman who treats a man like a plaything, whether it's my husband or, let's say, your teenage gardener. (Gabrielle stares at Edie, who looks away. Victor looks angry.) Gabrielle: Bree saw you slap your daughter. And that's no lie. Katherine: Excuse me? Bree: Gaby? Gabrielle: Yeah! She asked about her father and then you smacked her. Why'd you do that? Huh? Why? Katherine: This is the last thing that I will ever say to you, so listen up. Yes, I lost my temper with Dylan. But her father is a horrible man. I want you to imagine the worst thing that a father can do to his daughter. What was I supposed to tell Dylan about that, huh? I hope that satisfies everyone's curiosity. Including yours. (Katherine walks out of the room.) Lynette: Oh, my God. "Hang 'Em High" has three syllables.