Desperate Housewives

Bree: (after Andrew tells her he hates her) The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. And if you hate me, that means you still care, and we're still connected and I still have a chance to set you right.

Attorney: There is nothing more important than family. And I think it's so unfair some are denied their God-given right to parent just because of a few sordid incidents in their past. Now I may have to explore some unconventional paths to find your child. I might even have to take action some might view as unsavory. But before I do, I need proof that the two of you are prepared to face the challenges ahead. Gabrielle: Twenty-thousand dollars. Is that proof enough for you? Attorney: Yes, it is.

Mike: Felicia, why are you here? Felicia: Young Zachary and I didn't exactly part on the best of terms. In fact, when the weather's damp, I'm still reminded of our last good-bye. But forgive and forget. That's my motto. Macaroon?

Gabrielle: So just to be clear, some slutty cheerleader gets knocked up by the soccer coach behind the local gas 'n gulp, and she is going to make sure we're quality people? Carlos: You don't need to answer that.

Mary Alice: This is how Bree van de Kamp finally came to change her weekly routine. She still cleaned on Tuesdays, paid her bills on Wednesdays, and did her laundry on Thursdays. But her Fridays were now reserved for a meeting. A special meeting where she stood in front of people she didn't know and said things she didn't believe. And afterwards, Bree would come home and reward herself on the completion of another successful week.

Mary Alice: Bree Van de Kamp had a weekly routine she'd been following for years. She cleaned on Tuesdays. She paid her bills on Wednesdays. She did her laundry on Thursdays. And after these daily chores were completed, she would reward herself with a little drink. What Bree didn't know was this latest addition to her routine had been noticed by her friends. And it had now become part of their routine to discuss it.

Dr. Ron: Hi Susan! How those drugs working for you? Feeling good? (Susan mumbles unintelligibly) Dr. Ron: Well, um... I want you to know, what I said the other day, that corny stuff about me holding your heart in my hands... (Susan giggles) Dr. Ron: Well, what I meant to say was, my feelings for you, they keep growing, and I think, well, I hope that you feel the same way about me. Aw hell, Susan, I love you. Susan: Aw, thank you, I love Mike... Dr. Ron: Mike? Susan, who's Mike?? Susan: (with a dreamy smile) Mike is love... Dr. Ron: Who the hell is Mike?! Nurse Heisel: I don't know, but she's married to a guy named Karl! I'm so sorry, I should have told you, Dr. Ron!! Susan: (mumbling) Mikey, Mike, Mikey... Nurse Heisel: Why are you always falling in love with skanks? You're a beautiful, beautiful man!! (runs sobbing from the operating room)

Zach: Just curious? Why was it so important you see me? Noah: You're my grandson, my flesh and blood. Isn't it only natural I should want a relationship with you? Zach: What kind of relationship can we have when I know you tried to kill my dad?

Carlos: Ah, this is a sign... Gabrielle: Will you shut up? Carlos: We lost the baby, found out we couldn't conceive another one, and ran into Helen Rowland at an adoption agency - God is obviously trying to tell us something. Gabrielle: Carlos, we're Catholics, okay? God is pretty johnny-one-note on the whole subject of procreation!

Susan: I think I have to break up with Dr. Ron. Lynette: What?! Why?! Susan: Because he's a gem, and apparently he loves me. Lynette: I'm sorry, I'm not following.

Carlos: Gaby, these pictures have to be wholesome. They gotta say, "These people will do a great job raising a child." Gabrielle: So? Carlos: So you're topless! Gabrielle: Yeah, but it's St. Bart's, and your hands are covering my naughty bits. Carlos: You mean the hand that's holding the tequila shot, or the hand that's holding the Cuban cigar? Gabrielle: Yeah, that was a great trip.

Dr. Cunningham: (with his right arm in a cast at a 120 degree angle to his body) Susan, good to see you again! I'm really looking forward to your surgery! Susan: And I'm really hoping you're a lefty! Dr. Cunningham: Nope, can't even write my name.

Carlos: Helen! You work here! Roda (adoption lady): You all know each other? What a small world! Helen It sure is. Mrs. Solis hired my son to do her yard work, and also she would rape him.

Bree: For the record, I did not punch my son I slapped him with an open palm. Andrew: Yeah, but Mom, the thing is... When you drink, you don't know your own strength. Bree: This is ridiculous! Can't you see this is a performance?!

Bree: Are you a friend of Andrew's? Sam: I'm his lawyer. Bree: His lawyer? Why on earth would Andrew need a lawyer? Andrew: (gives Sam a glass of water) Here you go Sam. Bree: Huh! Honey what happened to your face?! Andrew: You hit me... Don't you remember?

Tom: What was that?! Lynette: What was what? Tom: You were bracing! You were bracing with your leg! I was trying to lay on top of you and you were bracing yourself against the mattress so you don't have to get on your back!

Tom: You're saying that our clients deserve more effort than your own family? Lynette: OK! So if I apologize for upsetting you at work can we get past it and enjoy our meal? Tom: Absolutely. Lynette: I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I am sorry. Tom: Thanks. Lynette: So boys, how do you enjoy the meal? Preston: It's a little salty... Lynette: Just eat it!

Karl: (Reading Dr. Ron's card) I can't wait to be in the operating room with you so I can touch your heart because you already touched mine so deeply! Susan: Okay, that part sounds better when you don't read it out loud.

Bree: If you need a drive to school, I'm happy to drive you. Andrew: That's not what I want... I want a car. Bree: Well, then I suggest you get a job. Andrew: Why should I have to go work my ass off at some fast food place if I can already afford what I want? Bree: Andrew, we're not touching your trust fund. Andrew: It's my money! Bree: Not until you're 21, and if I had my way you wouldn't put your hands on it until you're 50! I mean we both know you're gonna waste every penny of it.

Gabrielle: So... We're audtioning to be parents? Adoption Agency Lady: You can say that... Gabrielle: So just to be clear... Some slutty cheerleader gets knocked up by the soccer coach behind the local gas'n'gulp and SHE is gonna make sure we're quality people? Carlos: You don't have to answer that...

Bree: Did Lynette mention the little tiff we had? Susan: Just in passing... Gabrielle: She barely mentioned it... Bree: What happened was... I accidently mixed my medication with, you know, a little glass of wine I was having and I fell asleep while I was watching her kids. I mean I like a little wine with dinner... I mean now and then... You know, who doesn't? But, you know... To trash my entire reputation... Gabrielle: She didn't trash you... Honest. Bree: Well, good... I really don't want you to get the wrong impression. Oh, I'm going to the mall today, they have a white sale. I'm going to get a new bath mat. Does anyone need one? Gabrielle: I'm good... (After Bree left the two) WOW! Did you smell the alcohol in her breath? Susan: I sure did...

Nurse Heisel: (to Susan) Who am I to cast stones? I mean heck... I didn't pass my nurses exam.... They didn't even ask me!

Dr. Ron: Let's cut this bitch open!

Karl: (to Mike) Dr. Ron just bought her the biggest bouquet of roses you've ever seen... It was disgusting... Note that went with it made my teeth hurt it was so saccharine and he used words like soul-mate and eternity... I almost puked in the vase!

Paul: (To Felicia) How did you know I like macaroons?