Desperate Housewives

Milton: You're not getting a dime. Victor showed me the photographs of you and your ex-husband. You broke his heart. You humiliated him. So you'll inherit exactly what you deserve: nothing.
Gabrielle: Okay. I made a mistake. I'm sorry. But Victor wasn't entirely blameless. He ignored me, he used me politically, oh, yeah, and he tried to kill Carlos. So I think I'm entitled to whatever he had.
Milton: Ah, there's the thing. You married a man from a very rich family, the operative word being "family". Everything is in my name. Always was.

Julie: (Welcoming her mother home) Welcome to heaven. Susan: Don't talk, I'm smelling it.

(Gabrielle is at Al's wake) Gabrielle: Excuse me. Are you Al's wife? I'm Gabrielle Lang. Al's wife: You're the mayor's wife. Of course, I recognize you. Gabrielle: So, I was shocked to hear about Al. I can't remember the last time I was so devastated. Al's wife: Didn't you just bury your husband yesterday? Gabrielle: That sucked too. So, what happened to Al? Al's wife: He was driving home, trying to beat the storm, and he ran into a down power line and his car burst into flames... (starts sobbing) Gabrielle: Oh sweetie, don't... (they embrace) I want you to remember Al like I do. At his desk, with a big smile on his face, surrounded by all those files... By the way, where are those files? Al's wife: I cleared out his office. Gabrielle: Oh, I bet that was hard. So where'd you put 'em? Al's wife: In the garage. Gabrielle: Which is... Al's wife: In the back. Gabrielle: Well, look at me, monopolizing the widow. (they stop embracing) You go mingle. I'm gonna get you a cracker. (runs off)

(After knowing that his mother is setting him up with an older man) Andrew: What're you doing? Bree: I'm just trying to stay out of the way of the sparks that are flying! Andrew: Sparks? The man's twice my age! Bree: Yes, but he's also… He's got a great… sense of… (she can't find a single quality to say about him. Andrew looks at her) Okay. Do you know how hard it is to find a good contractor?!

Mary Alice: It had been seven days since a tornado devastated Wisteria Lane (Edie is going through the wreckage that the tornado caused). And the residents continued to pick up the pieces of their lives (Susan is picking up some clothes from the ground). Some salvaged precious friendships (Susan and Bree look at each other and smile), some uncovered colorful histories (Lynette is looking through Ida's things), others found challenges they hadn't expected (The doctor is examining Carlos' eye at the hospital). And then...(Dylan is cleaning the fireplace, she picks up the pieces of the note that her mother had torn up) there was one girl, who stumbled upon the truth she'd long been searching for, only...to wish she hadn't (Dylan puts the pieces together and reads them, and is completely shocked by what she read).

Mrs. McCluskey: That's a lesson we all gotta learn over and over: Appreciate people while we still got them.

(After realizing they've lost their off-shore money and they're now poor) Gabrielle: I know this is bad but.. we have each other. We'll get married again and.. everything will be fine. For richer for poorer right? (Now that he lost his sight, Carlos hints about his disability, which Gabby hasn't found out about yet, without getting her suspicious) Carlos: In sickness and in health.

Susan: (about Bree) That Walter guy needs to stay miserable, because if he's not, he'll fix her roof and then she'll leave us!

Andrew: Fine. For you, I will flirt, I will flatter and I will charm. Bree: (with joy) Bless you. Andrew: But in exchange, I expect a 60-inch flat screen TV. Bree: Fine. And if you get him to come in on time and under budget, I'll throw in surround sound.

Susan: (after smelling the sock that Bree washed) Oh, my God! I wanna eat that!

Julie: Why did you agree to let her stay? Susan: How do you say no to someone in need? (Julie doesn't respond) That wasn't rhetorical.

Mrs. McCluskey: (talking about Ida's ashes) Let's dump her. And try not to stand downwind.

Bree: This is a conversation that could benefit from some homemade chocolate chip cookies. Susan: Can I have milk too?

Edie: Well, you should be saying, "Lynette, this could end badly, so you should start preparing yourself for that now". Bree: Edie, if you say that to Lynette, so help me God, I will wring your neck! Susan: And I will help her!

Mary Alice: Once the tornado had passed, it began. A man gave his coat to a stranger in need. A woman shared her food with those just passing by. A teenager reunited a dog with its worried owner. These are the things that happen in the wake of any great disaster. People start to perform small acts of kindness. They do what they can to help. All the while knowing, it won't be enough.

Karen McCluskey: "Do not stand at my grave and weep I'm not there, I do not sleep I am a thousand winds that blow I am the diamond glints of snow I am the sunlight on ripened grain I am the gentle autumn's rain Do not stand at my grave and cry I am not there, I did not die."

Bree: I hope you don't mind that I made dinner... Susan: I hope you don't mind that I'm going to kiss you! Bree: Ooh, you're funny...

(While spreading Ida's ashes) Lynette: Damn it, Karen, I'm running out of Ida.

Bree: (to Andrew) You can raise a man's hopes without satisfying them, I've done it all my life.

Andrew: You're pimping me out for a new roof? Bree: And windows!

Bree: Oh, and Julie, I fixed the hem on that blue skirt of yours, it's on your bed. Julie: (talking to Susan all excited) My hem is fixed! She's like the mother I never had! Oh, no offense! Susan: (all happy and excited) Oh, none taken!

Bree: (about Andrew) Andrew here, happens to be an outted and proud homosexual. Orson: He's here, he's queer, and we're used to it.