Desperate Housewives

Karl: Hey, Susie Q! Just shakin' the dew off the lily. (to Jackson) And speaking of, that paint job in the guest can is nice. Kudos. Susan: What are you doing here? Karl: Well, Julie needed me to co-sign some insurance stuff for her, and I guess I lost track of time talking to Cracker Jack here. Plumber and house painter in one move, Susie? Don't get dizzy climbing that social ladder. Susan: Can you leave, please? Karl: Just think: if I'd been a roofer, we might still be together. Sigh... Susan: Get out! Karl: (to Jackson) See you around, Hacky Sack!

Bree: You're still here?! Dinner is about to be served. Whose seats are you in? Gabrielle: The Bowmans. I found out Mrs. Bowman is home with the flu. Score! Oh, don't worry, it'll be fine. (Gabrielle opens the door, only to hear:) Mr. Bowman: No, no, you don't understand; these are our seats and this is my mother! (Gabrielle closes the door) Gabrielle: That was Mr. Bowman, wasn't it? Bree: Yes, and I'm pretty sure that elderly woman with him was his mother. Gabrielle: What kind of a man leaves his sick wife at home to go party with mommy?! Bree: You can fix this. Just tell them that you're at the wrong table and then step outside. Gabrielle: Right. (Gabrielle opens the door a second time, only to hear:) Boss: Yes, sir. He has absolutely no right to be here. (Gabrielle closes the door a second time) Gabrielle: That was the boss, wasn't it? Bree: Yes, and he appears to be checking the guest list. Gabrielle: Which we're not on. Bree: You can fix this. Just explain that you're going to a different party at the club and that you got confused. Mrs. Downing never has to know. Gabrielle: Right. (Gabrielle opens the door a third time, only to hear:) Mrs. Downing: You need to leave. Now! (Gabrielle closes the door a third time) Gabrielle: That was Mrs. Downing. How am I gonna fix this? Bree: Well, at this point, I would run off screaming into the night. Gabrielle: Thank you. (Gabrielle opens the door a fourth time, only to see Carlos escorted out by guards) Carlos: Hey, get your filthy hands off me. Gaby! Gaby!! (Gabrielle closes the door a final time) Gabrielle: Poor blind bastard. I'll meet him outside.

Mrs. McCluskey: (to Dave) Hey, this is what Edie and I do, we tease each other. I say she's easier to get into than community college, she says my face looks like a knee. It's fun!

Mary Alice: Yes. Everyone appreciates a good neighbor. You know, the kind that helps you with the groceries, but doesn't ask why is your son so moody. The type that delivers misplaced mail, but doesn't point out your wife seems so discontented. The sort that offers to mow your lawn, but doesn't mention your husband seems cold. But if you're not sure the man next door is as nice as he would have you believe, do everything you can to get to know him better.

Jackson: Hey! Thanks for tonight. And before I forget, Colts suck! Mike: Oh, here's what sucks, watching a zero-zero game with no cheerleaders, soccer boy!

Bree: Orson, I adore you, but your name, our name, it has no music. Van De Kamp trips off the tongue. Hodge, it sounds like the noise a plunger makes. Orson: That's preposterous!

Lynette: Hey, Parker. Can I ask you something? Just between us. Does Porter hang out with Jimmie Conrado? Parker: I don't know. I could check his friends' list on Silverfizz. Lynette: His what on what?!

(Susan is uncomfortable when Mike decides to go out with her boyfriend, Jackson) Susan: Now. Let's talk about acceptable topics of conversation. You like sports, right? Jackson: Yeah. I'm a huge soccer fan. Susan: No, you're not. You like football, American football, specifically the Colts. Jackson: Okay. Susan: And here's some other things you can talk about: cars, barbecue, fishing... Jackson: How about fire? Mike like dog fire? Susan: Jackson, please take this seriously. Jackson: I am. I'm just... I'm not gonna pretend to be somebody I'm not. If he doesn't like me, what's he gonna do? Susan: He could take me to court. And the judge can make me choose between you and my son, and I'm sorry, you will lose. Jackson: (pauses) Peyton Manning is the greatest quarterback who ever lived. Susan: Thank you.

Mary Alice: If there is one thing everyone in suburbia can appreciate, it's a good neighbor. You know, the kind that helps with the last bag of groceries, or brings over misplaced mail, or offers to mow your lawn. Yes, everyone appreciates a good neighbor, and no one knew this better than Dave Williams, who was determined to be the best neighbor Wisteria Lane had ever seen, assuming of course, his wife didn't get in the way.