Desperate Housewives

Victor: You OK? Gabrielle: Uh, actually, I'm really cold. Maybe we should bail and do this another day...you know, when it's warmer. Victor: It'll warm up. Gabrielle: Oh, OK. Well, just in case, we should run back to shore so I can grab a jacket. Victor: Gaby, you're not going anywhere. Gabrielle: Oh, I'm not?! Victor: I know about everything. You, Carlos, the affair, everything. Gabrielle: OK, I am so sorry. But in my defense, you were always gone. And you...knew how needy I was when you married me. Victor: That's it? That's all you have to say to me?! Gabrielle: Well, it'd be easier to talk if we were back on shore. (Victor drops knife on table) Gabrielle: What are you doing?! Victor: It's bad enough you betrayed me. And I have to listen to your whining. I brought something for you. (Victor turns around. Gabrielle strikes him on the head with a paddle. Victor falls into the water)

Dylan: For years you have told me that my father is too evil to talk about. And now I find out you've discussed him at a neighborhood game night?! Katherine: Regardless, I am still your mother. And while you're under my roof, you will obey my rules. Dylan: What if I don't? Are you gonna slap me again? Kick me out of the house? Send me to bed without any supper? Go ahead, try it. See what happens! I'm sorry, Mom. You can't stop me this time. I am officially no longer afraid of you.

Mary Alice: Yes, Victor was not above deception to get what he wanted and what he wanted now... was revenge.

(Carlos calls Gabrielle on her cell phone while she's on the boat. She reluctantly answers.) Gabrielle: For God's sakes Carlos, am I gonna have to change this number? Carlos: Victor knows! Gabrielle: Knows what? Carlos: Everything! Edie told him we're having an affair. Gabrielle: No. it's impossible. He hasn't said a word. In fact, I've never seen him so sweet and attentive. Carlos: It's an act! Edie said he was enraged! Gabrielle: Well, if he's so mad at me, why would he take me on a boat trip? Carlos: He took you on a boat? Gabrielle: Oh, crap! Carlos: I think you need to get out of there.

(After she knocked Victor overboard for a second time) Gabrielle: I'm getting pretty good at that.

Lucy: You may have been able to strong-arm the weak one, but not me. Lydia: I'm not weak! Lucy: Then why did you call me? Get out of our way. Lynette: Lucy, every fight we have ever had has ended with my foot on your neck. I guarantee that this one's gonna end the same way too.

Lynette: (referring to her mother) Well, we can't just throw her out on the street. Lydia: I can! Lynette and Lucy look at her with surprise) Lydia: My therapist said it's time for me to be a little more Lydia-centric. Lynette: I really wanna meet this jackass.

Lynette: (referring to her mother) I've had her for four months. I also had cancer for four months. And If I could've asked one of them to leave, I'm not sure which I would've picked. Lucy: Oh, four months, boohoo! I had her for a year, and that was the year she joined the Gin of the Month club.

Carlos: Where is he? Where is Victor? Gabrielle: Well, I clubbed him and knocked him overboard. Carlos: He's in the ocean? Gabrielle: He was going to kill me. He had a gun! Carlos: Ok, ok, let me think. (takes a moment) You saw him in the water. I mean, he's not dead, right? Gabrielle: No. He's mad, but he wasn't dead. Carlos: So then we'll send someone out there to fish him out. Call the police, show them the gun, and tell them it was self-defense. You still have the gun? Gabrielle realizes she didn't search the bag she thought contained the gun, which Victor pulled out and opened before she knocked him, they go to find out what's in it Gabrielle: It's in there. Carlos opens the bag and takes out only a sweater, they exchange a look, Gabby is surprised Gabrielle: Well, maybe he wanted it to muffle the gun! Carlos: (Opens the bag wide) There is no gun. Gabrielle: Ice pick? Carlos grabs his cell phone Gabrielle: What are you doing? Carlos: I'm calling the coast guard. Gabrielle: And tell them what? "I knocked my husband overboard because he was coming after me with a sweater"?

(After Bree had Benjamin circumcised and ignored Orson's feelings) Orson: I see myself as Benjamin's father. I need to know if you see me that way too. Bree: I know how much you love Benjamin. I guess I just have to remember that it's love that makes us a family, and not blood.

(Bree arrives home with baby Benjamin) Orson: Hey, where have you been? I woke up and you were gone. Bree: Oh, we had a very busy day. We dropped off the dry cleaning, we deposited money into our Christmas account and then we got circumcised!

Mohel: You realize that this is a covenant. That whatever your husband says, you're promising to raise your child as a devout Jew. Bree: I swear to you before God, that this child will be as devout a Jew as I am!

(Bree and Orson argue about circumcising baby Benjamin) Orson: What have you got against untrimmed penises? Bree: They're… unsightly! Ah, I do not want our son to be teased for being different. Do you? Orson: So in the end it all comes down to tradition and conformity. Bree: What is wrong with that?! I thought we liked conformity! Orson: Not at the price of pain and reduced sexual pleasure. Bree: (Angrily) I can tell you someone whose sexual pleasure is going to be reduced big time!

Mary Alice: Deception - you find it in all the best homes. Parents rely on it when dealing with inquisitive children. Women use it to help keep secrets big and small. Lovers need it to cover up inconvenient accidents. Why do people resort to deception? Because it's a handy tool that helps get us exactly what we're looking for.

Orson: We have some extra preschool applications if the two of you are interested. Mike: Isn't it a little early to be talking preschool? She just got pregnant. Our baby still looks like a sea horse. Susan: Oh honey, you'd be surprised how fast the best schools fill up and only the best for our kid, right? Bree: Start saving your pennies. Bonny Briar's up to $10,000 a year. Mike: 10,000 dollars for used legos and a potty chair?

Mary Alice: The thing you need to know about Victor Lang is that he was not above using deception. Whether it was an insincere promise to a campaign donor or the artful evasion of a reporter's question or an outright lie to his constituents, Victor did what he had to to get what he wanted. But thanks to some compromising photos, he learned that his wife knew a little something about deception as well.

Dylan: (to Katherine) I'm officially no longer afraid of you.

Julie: Hey, I need your help with a school thing. Susan: Wow, you never ask for my help, it must be something easy.