Desperate Housewives

Mike: I've got a question for ya. Susan: Sure, go ahead... Mike: Where are we now? Susan: Where are we? Mike: Yeah...we're not moving in together we're not broken up so, where are we? Susan: I dont know...

Mary Alice: (narrating) Control. It's extraordinary the tactics people employ to obtain it. Some rely on deception. While others engage in outright trickery. Then there are those who resort to extortion. Why do we fight so hard for control? Because we know to lose it is to put our fate in the hands of others. And what could be more dangerous?

Mary Alice: (narrating) Beautiful lawns, spacious homes, happy families. These are the hallmarks of suburbia. But if you look beneath the veneer of gracious living... you will see a battle raging, a battle for control. You see the combatants everywhere, engaged in their routine skirmishes...fighting fiercely to have dominion over the world around them, all the while knowing... it's a battle they will lose.

Mary Alice: (narrating) The remarkable thing about Danny Farrell was that he had only been a paperboy for six months. And in that time, he had become the enemy of every woman on Wisteria Lane. If there was a puddle on someone's property, he found it. If a new rosebush had just been planted, he destroyed it. If a cat was enjoying a moment in the sun, he ended it. People wondered if Danny would ever change. They should have talked to Susan Mayer. She could have told them: obnoxious boys tend to become obnoxious men. Just like the one she had been married to. Yes, the women of Wisteria Lane believe Danny Farrell to be the enemy. They also believed the enemy of my enemy is my friend.

Lynette: (talking to the dead rat) Hey, little guy. I just wanted to say I'm really sorry about what happened with the shovel, neither one of us saw that coming, I know it's not much consolation, but you really helped my marriage. That's a lot for a little rat to accomplish in one lifetime. Well it's getting late, so, hats off to ya.

Edie: You don't have the guts. Susan: In five seconds, I'm gonna punch it. Edie: (holds up a set of keys) Yeah? I'll key your car! Susan: Not if you're sucking my exhaust, you won't. Edie: Take back what you said! Susan: No, I won't! Edie: Admit it, you'd do anything to destroy my happiness! Susan: Edie, for God's sake. Why would I care if you end up with a man I despise? Edie: 'Cause you and Mike are finished. Yeah, word's out. And now that you can't be happy, you don't want anyone else to be, period.

Susan: Edie, what are you doing? Edie: You are a lying liar. Susan: We're in the middle of the street. Would you get out of here? Edie: Karl never said that! Susan: Okay, Karl asked me to get back together the day after Julie's birthday. I said no, which I'm guessing is the reason for the now legendary tequila bra-popping incident. Please let go. Edie: Oh, no. We're not finished here. Susan: Well, yes, we are. I'm gonna go.

Julie: He asked her out. Susan: You lie. Julie: It's true. He called her for a date six months ago. The day after my birthday party. Susan: The one at the piano bar? Julie: Yeah. What is it? Susan: Oh, um, your father just came over that day and told me some stuff. You know, some stuff that I haven't and can't tell you. Julie: Wait. Whatever happened to we share everything? Isn't that our thing, what we're known for? Susan: Um, actually, I think what we're known for is sharing clothes. Yeah. I think that's our thing.

Edie: Karl said that you know all about our dirty little secret. Susan: Yes, yes, I do. Edie: Well, I feel awful. I should have told you that I was doing your ex. Well, it would've been the classy thing to do. Susan: Well, etiquette is a lost art for a lot of people. Edie: Oh, you've gotta believe me, I never, ever thought anything would happen with us. But on our first date, Karl took me to a Mexican restaurant. You know what I get like when I drink tequila. A couple of shooters and my bra unhooks itself. Susan: Circumstances beyond your control. I get it. So if you'll excuse me. Edie: Hey. Hey, hey. I am offering you an opportunity here. I mean, go ahead, vent. Let me have it. Come on, tell me what a bitch I am. Yeah, for snacking on your leftovers. I deserve it. Come on, bring it on. Susan: Honestly, Edie, I don't mind. You can skate off into the sunset with Karl. Be my guest. Edie: Well, that's good to know. You know, I probably shouldn't tell you this, but, while we were in my Jacuzzi last night, Karl said it was the best sex he's ever had, bar none. Susan: Actually, I'm glad that you shared that, because here's a tidbit for you. Karl said he's still in love with me.

Karl: Do we have to do this now? I haven't had my coffee yet. Susan: Did you spend the night with Edie? Oh, my God! Karl: Susie, just calm down. Susan: You are forbidden from ever seeing her again. Do you hear me? Forbidden! Karl: We're divorced. You can't tell me who I can date. Susan: I live on this street. Your daughter lives on this street. I will not have you flaunting your sexcapades in front of us. Karl: Sexcapades? Susan: Forbidden! Karl: I, I, I would love to continue this, but it's time for breakfast, and Edie is making me a Frittata. Susan: Well, I just bet she is!

Gabrielle: Why are all rich men jerks? Carlos: Same reason all beautiful women are bitches! (pause) Carlos: So, same time tomorrow? Gabrielle: Sure, baby. (leans over and kisses him)

Gabrielle: (to Carlos) Honey, you and your macho pride. Just tell him you're flattered but you don't swing that way.

Susan: I was just wondering... are you having some remodeling done on your house or something? Betty: No, why? Susan: Well, uh... I work at home, so... I'm home a lot, working, and... I just keep hearing these noises, lately. It's hard to concentrate. Betty: I haven't noticed anything. Susan: Really... well it sounds like it is coming from your house. You know, it's like a clinging, clinging... (clinging from the house) There, that's it! Did you hear it?! Betty: Oh, yes... Matthew's very handy. He's always doing parts around the house. I guess I just don't notice the noise any more. Susan: Even at 2 o'clock in the morning? Cause that's kind of hard to miss. Betty: I'm so sorry. Matthew is somewhat of an insomniac, Susan, but I will talk to him and will put a stop to it. (we see Mathew in the bake-round behind Betty) Matthew: Hello, Mrs. Mayer. Susan: Hi... Matthew.

Carlos: (to Gabrielle) Listen to me, you're going to go back there, you're going to put that money in Rita's hands, and you're going to convince her that life is not worth living unless she has jugs the size of Texas! Do I make myself clear?

Mary Alice (voiceover): Control...to lose it is to put our fate into the hands of others, and what could more dangerous?

Betty: You know we don't talk to him, that's part of his punishment.

Susan: Just give me a minute... I am asking God to kill me.

Bree (to Phyllis on her incessant crying): Even Italians take a break now and then!

Bree (to sobbing Phyllis): For God's sake Phyllis, don't you ever worry about dehydration?

Susan: (to Mike) Since the guy who held me hostage turned out to be your son, logic dictates I should move on.

Lynette: (to Bree about Phyliss) Is she gonna be alright? Bree (Gets up and smacks a sobbing Phyllis): She'll be fine. You were saying?