Dirty Jobs

Mike: I believe I've just been stung on the ass, David.

David: The bees are in there right now and basically in a panic. Mike: Well yeah, I mean you just ran a drill through their parlor.

Mike: I think we may have violated some basic geometry.

Mike: New low. Conrad: What happened? Mike: On the nicest little segment I've ever done on this show, a hunk of crap just flew straight down my throat. I blame you primarily. Conrad: Don't drop the bucket like that. Mike: Yeah, I've never met a guy full of more useful tips at a more useless time.

Mike: Are there mainly girl bees or boy bees in there? Dave: They're 99 point whatever percent female. There's a queen in there and if it's the old queen, it's her daughters. If it's a new queen, it's her sisters, but eventually everybody in there will be her daughters. Mike: Very Roman, incestuous.

Dave: The queen lives and dies at the deference of her daughters. If they don't like her for whatever reason, her pheremones have gotten weak, for whatever reason, they're not above assassinating her and raising a new queen. Mike: There's an awful lot about the whole bee sociology that really does smack of pagan Rome. There's clear betrayal, there's a lot of sex, coupled with a lot of violence, and almost constant vomiting.

Mike: Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Bruce: I don't know. Mike: Because if it had four doors, it'd be a chicken sedan.

Mike: Now how long does it take before the cob house stops smelling like the southbound end of a northbound cow? Conrad: Oh, it can be a couple of weeks, but generally the smell is not bad. Mike: No, generally, it's not. Specifically, it is.

(David tries to explain how honey is not really bee vomit) Mike: Well, now it sounds like an eating disorder.

Dave: Once a queen mates, with maybe half a dozen drones, then she becomes an egg laying machine and doesn't fly out anymore. A drone, when he mates with the queen in the air, it's called popping the drone and you could actually hear it pop when his genitalia is ripped out and he peels off of her back, crashes, and the next victim, I mean the next suitor comes up and mates with her. She goes home and stays in. She becomes a homebody. Mike: She's just a thoughtless, murdering wretch.

(Mike coughs as he's applying a plaster made of cow manure.) Conrad: Got a cold? Mike: I might be coming down with something. Some bovine disease. But it's not "hoof and mouth". The more rare "poop in mouth". I got the "poop in mouth" disease.

[Mike is trying to pour out a bucket of mixed cow manure.] Conrad: You can use your hands. It's not...It's just... Mike: It's just cow crap.

Conrad: We like to do the sand first because the clay sometimes sticks to the tarp. Mike: Oh yeah, it would be a shame to make a mess.

Conrad: Your first batch of cob. You almost know everything there is to know now. Mike: Yeah, that's me. Mr. Knowledge.