Dirty Sexy Money

Karen: (to Brian Jr.) You're the luckiest orphan in the world. You know. (notices her parents looking at her) What? Is orphan not PC anymore? What should I say instead?
Brian: He is not an orphan.
Karen: Hum?
Letitia: Your brother Brian is his father.
Karen: Oh? Really? (to Brian Jr.) Sorry.

Simon Elder: You know, I've been, I've been following your career from a distance for many years now.
Nick: Yeah?
Simon Elder: Yeah, and I've always felt that we're cut from the same cloth, you and me.
Nick: In what way exactly?
Simon Elder: We're both trying to take the advantages we've been given in life and share them with those less-fortunate. That sound like you?
Nick: Yeah, on a good day.
Simon Elder: That sounds like me too on a good day.

Karen: Sweetie, I don't think, I don't think Daddy wants you to take the plane again. Jet fuel doesn't grow on trees.

Brian: (reading from a book) "Honesty. Of all the sins that hurt God's feelings, lying is the worst of all. In big ways and small ways, lying eats away at the heart God gave us and leaves us empty and sad. If we're gonna be happy and go to heaven, we have to tell the truth." Well, I don't think we have to tell the truth all the time. I think there are important exceptions. (holding the book up) But these are good thoughts. These are definitely good thoughts.

Lisa: What are you doing tomorrow?
Nick: Lisa, it's just another day of me implementing my immense knowledge of American jurisprudence instead of doing my charitable work.
Lisa: Meaning?
Nick: I'm settling a dispute between the twins about who can and can't come to their 25th birthday party.
Lisa: Natalie Kimpton?
Nick: Natalie Kimpton.

(after the twins decided to have separate parties)
Nick: You know what, this could work out. I'll split the million dollar budget.
Jeremy: Are you crazy?
Juliet: We can't split the money. I can't throw a party for 500-grand.
Jeremy: Neither can I. At least not a good one. Nick, it's economies of scale.
Nick: Do you even know what that means?
Jeremy: No but you know what I think I mean. And that's what matters.
Juliet & Jeremy: We need two million.

Letitia: You haven't told Nick anything, have you? Tripp: About what? About the DNA report? No. Letitia: Are you planning to? Tripp: I have no intention of so doing.

Patrick: Well, to be honest, Freddy isn't exactly the average member. Karen: Never thought you had much of a taste for the average member. Patrick: What does that mean? Karen: Your special friend. The one with the low voice and the eye liner. Patrick: What are you talking about? Karen: Don't worry, Pat. I would never tell. Give Ellen my best.

(after Jeremy lays down his birthday party plan to Nick) Nick: Well, that sounds very reasonable. I applaud your restraint. Jeremy: What can I say? Love changes a man and brings him down to earth.

Nick: You know, Jeremy, are you and Natalie already talking about starting a family? Jeremy: We're talking about what to name the munchkin, dude. Nick: She's pregnant? Jeremy: Don't you tell Dad. I don't want him paying her off like he always does. I like this one.

Brian: I didn't want to hurt you. I'm sorry. I really am. I'm sorry. Please just give me another chance. Please. Mei Ling: You made your choices. Now, I'm making mine. I want a divorce.

(challenging Nick's suggestion with regards to the twins' birthday party preparations) Tripp: Won't work Nick. It's too late. Let them have their fun tomorrow night. And then when the smoke clears, they'll have time to reflect upon their choices and reflect. Regret.

Karen: What are you so afraid of? Patrick: I'm not afraid of anything, Karen. I just don't want you to hurt Ellen's feelings by sharing information that would hurt her feelings. Karen: You sound confused. Honey, I'm just going to lunch with my favorite sister-in-law. The idea that I would ever want to hurt Ellen's feelings... What would that get me? Really? What? Patrick: You screw up my marriage then you screw up my campaign. You screw up my campaign and you'll have Dad to deal with. Karen: If you don't get Freddy into the club, you'll have Dad to deal with. As far as your campaign goes, I like New York the way it is.

Brian: You're gonna hear from Mei Ling Hwa's attorney. She's filing for divorce. Nick: She found out about Brian Jr.? Brian: Yes. Nick: How'd that happen? Brian: God's Holy Word.

Brian: I want you to be ruthless to her lawyers. I want you to make it clear that she is not gonna get anything more than she was promised in the prenup. Not an extra cent. I want you to make sure that I am gonna fight for the children and win. And I want you to make sure that she knows that I am going to crush her. Nick: Okay, note to self. Crush her.

Brian: I made a mess of everything. What the hell is going to happen to me? Nick: Brian. Brian, everything is going to be okay. Every marriage has its rough edges. Brian: Oh, what do you know, Mr.Perfect? Nick: Hey, Brian, do me a favor. Don't insult me when you're asking for my help.

Nick: Jeremy, are you listening to me? Natalie is using tampons. She's not pregnant. Jeremy: Juliet is lying. She's lying to hurt me to get back at Nat. Nick: Jeremy, I know Natalie and Juliet have their differences but I also know that your sister loves you. Jeremy: She loves herself. Nick: She loves you too. And I don't think she'd make something like this up.

Astrid: Hey, Juliet, wait up. What's the matter? Juliet: Everything. Everything in the entire little lowly lying world. Astrid: Where are you going? Juliet: Confronting my brother. Astrid: Come on. Everyone is here for you. Juliet: Let them eat cake.

Simon Elder: (trying to convince Nick to work for him) There's lots of ways to lose your life, Nick. All at once or one day at a time.

Letitia: You know it's an odd feeling having all the children back in the building under the same roof. Brian: Yeah, we're a regular little house. Letitia: In a way, it's as if we're all getting another chance.

Tripp: (to Nick) You know, we should not just delay the payout of that trust. We should terminate the damn thing.
Jeremy: You're delaying my trust?
Tripp: No, I'm revoking it entirely.
Nick: Let's not be hasty.
Jeremy: You know what, I don't care. You go ahead and postpone it. You give it away. I don't freakin' care as long as I get out from under you! I wish that I could be someone you loved, Dad. I wish that but I can't! I can't. I can just be me. I know that's not good enough for you.

Juliet: You and Natalie together was like drinking orange juice after brushing your teeth.
Jeremy: And she's the orange juice.
Juliet: Uh-hmm. Can you imagine her mothering a child. What an unbearable thought.

Jeremy: You ever think things will be better if we weren't so incredibly loaded? Juliet: You mean you wish we were poor? Jeremy: Not starting with flies in our faces. Just a little more normal. Juliet: Well, I think you can be as normal as you wanna be. But I think you are pretty spectacular and you can do spectacular things.

Lisa: (looking at the paintings Nick gave her) How much were they?
Nick: Who cares? You liked them and I love you.
Lisa: I love you too. (kisses Nick) Thank you.

Tripp: So what is it that you want? The rocket? A Hubble telescope?
Jeremy: I want a job.
Tripp: A job?
Jeremy: Yeah, I've been thinking lately and I should get a job, right?
Tripp: Young man, you have just made me truly proud.

Charity Organization Worker: Thank you so much. You have no idea how much this money can change our organization. Nick: Actually, I do. But I am giving it to you, anyway.

Mei Ling Hwa: What's the matter?
Brian Darling Jr: I need to tell you something...
Mei Ling Hwa: Well, whatever it is you can tell me.
Brian Darling Jr: I don't want to go to hell.
Mei Ling Hwa: I don't think there are very many children in hell Gustav.
Brian Darling Jr: Yeah... about that... My name's not Gustav.
Mei Ling Hwa: No? What is it?
Brian Darling Jr: Brian... Brian Jr.
Mei Ling Hwa: Is my husband your daddy?
Brian Darling Jr: (nods)