Doctor Who (2005)

The Abzorbaloff: And I'll return there (Clom, the Abzorbaloff's home planet), victorious, once I possess your travelling machine. The Doctor: Well, that's never gonna happen!

Elton: So, there you go. Turns out I've had the most terrible things happen. And the most brilliant things. And sometimes… well, I can't tell the difference. They're all the same thing. They're… just me. You know, Stephen King said once, he said 'salvation and damnation are the same thing'. And I never knew what he meant. But I do now. Cos the Doctor might be wonderful but… thinking back, I was having such a special time. Just for a bit. I had this nice little gang (brief clip of 'musical L.I.N.D.A.') and they were destroyed. It's not his fault. Maybe that's what happens if you touch the Doctor. Even for a second. I keep thinking of Rose and Jackie, and how much longer before they pay the price.

Abzorbaloff: You'll surrender yourself to me, Doctor. Or this one (indicating Elton) dies. You see, I've read about you, Doctor. I've studied you. So passionate. So sweet. You wouldn't let an innocent man die. And I'll absorb him unless you give yourself to me. The Doctor: (scratching his head) Sweet, maybe… passionate, I suppose… but don't ever mistake that for nice. Do what you want.

(Elton and Ursula see Victor in his true form as the Abzorbaloff) Elton: You're a… thing! Abzorbaloff: A thing? This thing is my true form. Better than that crude pink shape you call a body.

Jackie: (to Elton) I went in your coat. For once in my life I thought, 'I'll pay'. I thought, 'he's such a nice man, he won't accept anything, so I'll just slip a tenner in his pocket'. And look what I found. (holds out the photo of Rose) A photograph of my daughter. Elton: No, no, no, it's not like that. I can explain. Jackie: I bet you can. Elton: I wasn't being pervy or anything. I wasn't after her. I was looking for the Doctor. Jackie: Oh, I know that. I worked that out. Cos it's never me, is it? Elton: No but that's how it started. But I changed my mind… Jackie: (cutting him off) Let me tell you something about those who get left behind. Because it's hard. And that's what you become. Hard. But if there's one thing I've learned, it's that I will never let her down. And I'll protect them both until the end of my life. So whatever you want, I'm warning you… Back off.

(After ingratiating himself with Jackie, Elton reports back to the group) Victor Kennedy: Magnificent! Oh, I could kiss you. Except I can't, of course… the ec-ZEE-ma… Elton: I've even got a picture of her on my phone. (shows the group) Mr. Skinner: Well, that's amazing. You've achieved steps one to four in precise order. How did you manage it? Elton: Well, I had to work very hard. She keeps everything very close to her chest. Ursula: (looking at the picture) That's a hell of a chest.

(Elton has followed Jackie into a launderette) Elton: (voice-over) I'd been trained for this. Victor Kennedy's classes covered basic surveillance and espionage. Step one: engage your target. Find some excuse to start a conversation. But how was I going to do this? How? Jackie: Excuse me, love. You couldn't give us a quid for two fifties, could you? Elton: Yeah, I'll just, uh... (find the change to give to her) Jackie: Oh, lovely, cheers. Elton: (voice-over) Step Two: without provoking suspicion, get on first-name terms with the target. Jackie: My name's Jackie, by the way. Elton: I'm Elton. Jackie: Oh, you don't meet many Eltons, do you? Apart from the obvious. (laughs) Elton: (voice-over) Step Three; ingratiate yourself with a joke or some humorous device. Jackie: (putting washing into one of the machines) I tell you what, Elton, here we are, complete strangers, and I'm flashing you my knickers. (laughs) Elton: (voice-over) Step Four: find some subtle way to integrate yourself into the target's household. Jackie: Mind you, I'm only down here 'cos my washing machine's knackered. I don't suppose you're any good at fixing things, are you?

(Victor has instructed L.I.N.D.A. to find Rose) Elton: (voice-over) And so it began. The impossible task. To scour the mean streets, to search a major capital city for an unknown girl. To hunt down that face in a seething metropolis of lost souls. To find that one girl in ten million. (Cut to Elton showing a photograph of Rose to Mrs. Croot) Mrs. Croot: Oh, that's Rose Tyler. She lives just down there. Butland House, number forty-seven. Her mum's Jackie Tyler. Nice family. Bit odd.

Victor Kennedy: You met him and you froze? You stupid man! (He raises his hand to hit Elton) Elton: You can't hit me, 'cos you don't touch. You said so. You get a rash and an itch… Victor Kennedy: (reaching for his cane) I can use this! Ursula: Use that cane on him and you'll get one hell of a smack off me! And then a good kick. Is that completely understood, Mr. Kennedy? Victor Kennedy: Duly noted. Ursula Blake, most likely to fight back.

Victor Kennedy: No, no, no, I don't shake hands, back, back. I suffer from a skin complaint. Ec-ZEMA. Elton: Don't you mean Eczema? Victor Kennedy: This is worse. Much worse. I blister to the touch.

Ursula: His name is the Doctor. Elton: Doctor what? Ursula: That's all anyone knows.

Elton: That wasn't the first time I met the Doctor, and it certainly wasn't the last. Oh no. I just put that at the beginning because it's a brilliant opening.

Elton: That's what it did. It went RAR! And if you think that was the most exciting day of my life, wait till you hear the rest. Oh boy.

Rose: You upset my mum. Elton: (Indicates Abzorbaloff) Great big absorbing creature from outer space, and you're having a go at me? Rose: No-one upsets my mum!

(Holding Ursula/floor tile) Elton: It's a relationship.. of sorts. But we manage. We've even got a bit of a love life. Ursula: Oh, let's not go into that...

The Doctor: Elton! Fetch a spade!

Elton: But the thing is ... but what I wanted to say is, you know when you're a kid, they tell you it's all "Grow up, get a job, get married, get a house, have a kid" and that's it. Nah. The truth is the world is so much stranger than that, it's so much darker. And so much madder. And so much better.