Ed

Ed (on why Carol and other women are attracted to men like Nick): Guys like that, you always know how it's gonna end.

Dr. Jerome: While I pride myself in having a facile sense of humor, steeped in both satire and irony, I choose not to use it here.

Carol (on a stakeout with Ed): Papa Bear is leaving the nest. Let's go!

Ed: I'm quite heterosexual, thank you.

Nancy (watching Ed, as "Hat Man", trying to pick up women at the bar): This is like watching a really cute puppy trying to have sex with a hooker.

Dr. Jerome: Don't let 'em play games with the duck sauce.

George: Life's too short to be someone you don't want to be.

Mike (to Ed, about Dennis): He's still so much cooler than you'll ever be, Ed.

Dennis (to Carol): I don't think enough about you to have a problem with you.

Ed: Cool guys? Cool guys? No thank you, we'd much rather be a couple of dorks.