Elvira's Movie Macabre

(ended 1987)


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Episode Guide

  • Specials
    • The Spell
      The Spell
      Episode 1
    • Night of the Living Dead
    • Crowhaven Farm
    • Gargoyles
      Episode 4
    • Moon of the Wolf
    • This House Possessed
    • Halloween with the Addams Family
    • Charlie Boy
      Charlie Boy
      Episode 8
      See TV Tome listing for Hammer House of Horror TV series.
    • The Cyclops
    • The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
    • Children of the Full Moon
      See TV Tome listing for Hammer house of Horror TV series.
    • A Bucket of Blood
    • Attack of the Swamp Creature
    • Alabama`s Ghost
    • The Carpathian Eagle
      See TV Tome listing for Hammer House of Horror TV series.
    • The House That Would Not Die
    • Freddy`s Dead: The Final Nightmare
    • Dead of Night
    • Filmgore
      Episode 19
      Compilation film. Gore scenes from Blood Feast 1963, Two Thousand Maniacs 1964, Carnival of Blood 1970, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 1974, Snuff 1976, Drive-In Massacre 1976, and The Driller Killer 1979.
    • Night of the Ghouls
    • The Hideous Sun Demon
    • Visitor from the Grave
      See TV Tome listing for Hammer House of Horror TV series.
    • The Turn of the Screw
      The new governess at a country estate begins to see ghosts. Are they real or is she mad? A Dan Curtis production. "Hello, darlings, come in and welcome to Thrillervideo. Yes, it`s little ol` me. That gal with the figure that keeps getting bigger, Elvira, Mistress of the Dark." Jane Cubberly in clip from movie: "You vile, miserable woman!" "Hey, let`s not start name calling, fatso! Oh, that was the producer`s wife. She accuses me of getting this job by sleeping with the producer. Let me just set the record straight! I did not get any sleep at all!" "Anyway, darlings, I am so glad to see you again. Did you miss me bunches? Yeah, I know. In this outfit, I`m kinda hard to miss. Seems like no matter where I go, I always stand out in a crowd." "Speaking of standing out...Ah, is that a frog in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" Miles in clip from movie: "Only a frog, my dear." "Yeah? Well, it looks more like a tadpole to me. (Laughs) Oh, touche`, Elvira, touche`. Chalk up another one for the Mistress of the Dark." "Hey, kid, what am I up to now?" Miles in clip from movie: "4,016, isn`t that right?" "Right! and I`m sure I`ll be chalking up a few more before the movie`s over. Speaking of movies, let`s see what you picked in the form of entertainment tonight. Ooooh! You picked The Turn of the Screw. The Turn of the Screw? Boy, what a weird title. But, you know, I can sort of identify `cause I`ve turned a few screws my own darned self. Or is it the other way around? Well, anyway, here it is, The Turn of the Screw. See you at intermission." Just before intermission, the ghost of Peter Quint is walking up the stairs towards Jane Cubberly. "She should have thrown a bottle of Coppertone at that guy. Why, he was as pale as a ghost! Which makes a great deal of sense because, like, he is a ghost. I guess they don`t have tanning salons on the other side." (laughs) "But, old Peter Quint was a fun-loving rogue when he was alive, wasn`t he?" Mrs Grose in clip from movie: "He drank, caroused, took liberties." "Yep, he was your basic eighteenth century party animal. And it looks like little Miles is following in his footsteps. That kid is quite a little maniac, isn`t he?" Jane Cubberly in clip from movie: "He`s quite." "Yeah, sure, everybody can see that! Ah, that is everybody except his little frog. Now that was really sick! I mean, even by my standards which are practically non-existent. I tell ya, that stuff is eventually gonna catch up to him. Caught up with little Flora. She once poked a frog in the rearend and look what happened." Clip of Flora from movie: Her bustle causes her rearend to stick way out. "Whoa, is that a big butt or what?! Oh, God, you could carry drinks on that thing! Anyway, let`s get back to The Turn of the Screw. Unfortunately, I have a feeling things are gonna take a turn for the worse." Just before the end credits role: "Don`t go away, darling, I`ll be back quicker than you can say, Boo!" After the credits. "Well, there you have it. Another happy ending. I`m sorry! I`m sorry! That`s right, she`s about the sorriest excuse for a babysitter I have ever seen! She pushed the kid down the stairs and all she has to say is I`m sorry! Well, I`m sorry but I`m sorry just does not cut it! Can`t you think of anything else to say? I mean, what you did was dreadful!" June Cubberly in clip from movie: "How dreadful?" "How dreadful? Like, like real dreadful. I mean, so dreadful that that`s the last prank Master Miles is ever going to pull!" June Cubberly in clip from movie: "Nonsense, he`s faking!" "He is? Hey, Miles baby, you really okay?' Miles in clip from movie: "Yes." "Good! (laughs) `Cause I have a couple of questions I want to axe you. But, I want you to tell me the truth, okay?" Miles in clip fom movie: "Ask me anything. You`ll have your truth." "Okay! Oh, boy, now we are gonna get the real juicy gossip. Now, exactly what kind of kinky, lustful acts did you see Peter Quint and Mrs Jessell do?" Miles in clip from movie: "I`m not going to repeat them to you, dear, if that`s what you`re after." "Oh, rats! Oh, well, sorry gang, I tried. Guess your just gonna have to get your thrills from the other thrilling movies from Thrillervideo. Check them out, dudes." Trailer for Alabama`s Ghost is shown. "And remember, I`ll be doing my hostess schtick on each and every one of them. Until then, this will have to hold ya." She blows a kiss to the camera. "And unpleasant dreams."moreless
    • The Thirteenth Reunion
      See TV Tome listing for Hammer House of Horror TV series.
    • The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde
    • The Silent Scream
      The Silent Scream
      Episode 26
      See TV Tome listing for Hammer House of Horror TV series.
    • Rude Awakening
      Rude Awakening
      Episode 27
      See TV Tome listing for Hammer House of Horror TV series.
    • The Picture of Dorian Gray
    • Natas the Reflection
    • The Monster Club
    • Two Faces of Evil
      Two Faces of Evil
      Episode 31
      See TV Tome listing for Hammer House of Horror TV series.
    • The Witching Time
      The Witching Time
      Episode 32
      See TV Tome listing for Hammer House of Horror TV series.
    • The Brain from Planet Arous
    • The Brain That Wouldn`t Die
    • The Mask
    • I Eat Your Skin
      I Eat Your Skin
      Episode 36
      Writer goes to island to do research for a new book. He discovers a mad doctor is creating zombies. "Oh, hello darling. Yep, it`s me, that cute little vamp who likes her films camp, Elvira, Mistress of the Dark." She is preparing to eat what looks like chicken skin in orangesauce. "Looks like you caught me indulging myself in a little snack. Boy, watching these Midnight Madness movies sure gives me an appetite. Especially the wiener . . . I mean, the winner you picked out tonight, I Eat Your Skin. Boy, whenever someone mentions eating, I just can`t help myself. So I had the cook here at the studio commissary, Wolfgang Yuck, whip up something special just for me. I don`t know what he calls it but it sure is yummy." "Hey, Wolfie, I never was much for cooking (winks to Wolfie), in the kitchen, anyway. Maybe you could teach me how to make this recipe. I`m still young and you know what they say, it`s never too late to learn." Doctor in clip from movie: "Believe me, it is too late." "Oh, thanks. Come on, just tell me what`s in it." Doctor in clip from movie: "It`s best that you don`t know." "Okay, have it your way. It`s no skin off my back. Like I said earlier, you picked yourself a real gem tonight, I Eat Your Skin. Its got everything! Voodoo, zombies." Tom Harris in clip from movie: "Girls?" (sneers)"Yeah, girls. And dancing. Lots and lots of dancing. Why, I haven`t seen this much dancing since Fred and Ginger retired. Anyway, it all takes place in this exotic island in the Bahamas called Voodoo Island." Tom Harris in clip from movie: "Well, why do they call this island Voodoo Island?" "`Cause the name Gilligan`s Island was already taken." Tom Harris in clip from movie: "Oh, really." "That`s right, wiseguy, and if you can just keep your trap shut long enough I`ll roll it. Anyway, here it is. And you don`t have to be a dermatologist to love it. Tonight`s eczema special, I Eat Your Skin. Bone appetit!" After the end credits. "Hey, wait a minute, did I miss something? I`m supposed to be Elvira, Mistress OF the Dark not IN the Dark. Wasn`t the name of this flic I Eat Your Skin? So where`s the picnic? I didn`t see anyone in this movie chowing down on any skin. Ooooh, except maybe for Mr "Horndog" Harrison there in that one scene. Hey, Tom, what is it that you find so tasty about all those dames anyway?" Tom Harris in clip from movie: ""That skin and those eyes." "Yep, just as I thought. Well, just watch out for the sequel, I Eat Your Eyes. I`m telling you this movie could give skin flics a bad name." "Boy, they sure had me confused there for a while. But then, I`m not the quickest study in the world. Yep, some of us got brains and than some of us got a couple of consolation prizes." (indicates breasts). Tom Harris in clip from movie: "What are those, drums?" "These are not drums and you ain`t Ringo Starr. These are my . . . ah, well, ah . . . I like to call them my ballooons. You know, my, ah . . . angel bags, my fun bags, my gazongas, my Hindenburgs, (she becomes more and more excited) hooters, love muffins, chihauhaus, cha chas, ta tas." Tom Harris in clip from movie: "What are those, drums?" Elvira screams in frustration. Fitzgerald in clip from movie: "Anyone for a nightcap, hmm?" "Whoa, that is the first good idea you`ve had all night, buddy. After that I could use a good stiff one and a drink doesn`t sound too bad either. This movie sure puts me in the mood for a Zombie. Boy, I tell ya, those drinks can wake the dead. I wonder why they call them Zombies, though? Hmm, guess it`s `cause when you wake up the next morning you wish you were dead." "Well, I`m off to my favorite watering hole. See you next time `round on Midnight Madness. Until then, this will have to hold ya." She blows a kiss at the camera. "And upleasant dreams."moreless
    • She Demons
    • Missile to the Moon
    • The Giant Gila Monster
    • The Crawling Hand
    • Killers from Space
    • The Mark of Satan
      The Mark of Satan
      Episode 42
      See TV Tome listing for Hammer House of Horror TV series.
    • The Human Duplicators
    • Eegah!
    • Frankenstein`s Daughter
    • The Wasp Woman
    • Frankenstein
    • Dracula
    • Growing Pains
      Growing Pains
      Episode 49
      See TV Tome listing for Hammer House of Horror TV series. "Hello, darling. Come in. Welcome. Who, do you ask, is this sinfully seductive temptress on your TV set? Allow me to introduce myself. I`m Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. And just in case you think you picked up an erotic flic by mistake, this is Thrillervideo." "They supply the video. I supply the thrills. Guess you could kinda call me the Tina Turner of videos, `cause I never, ever do anything nice and easy. I always do things nice and rough! And that`s the way I do Thrillervideo." "Ow! Ahh! (laughs) I was born to be bad and that`s good and so is the movie I`ve got for you this time. It`s a little number called Growing Pains. Heck, I mean, I`ve had growing pains my own darn self. And most of `em have been in my chest. I tell ya, I developed faster than a Polaroid. Why, in my high school yearbook, I was the only girl that had a picture that folded out. I mean, how would you like it if everytime you went to the supermarket you were arrested for shoplifting melons!" "Anyway, where were we? Oh, yeah, Growing Pains. Anyway, Growing Pains is the story of a nice English couple who adopt a very strange little boy. And let me tell ya, this kid is a pain in the . . . neck. Actually, he`s a pain in the portion of the body a lot lower than the neck, but they won`t let me say ASS (which is bleeped out) `less I`m talking about a mule. See what I mean?" "Well, they may censor me but they didn`t censor this movie. And let me tell you, one of the pranks this kid, James, pulls is what you call groady to the max!" James in clip from movie: "It wasn`t a prank." "Look, kid, I wrote the book on misconduct and it definitely was a prank." James in clip from movie: "If you say so." "All right, we`ll let the audience decide. I`ll be back for your verdict later. Until then, sit back, relax, curl up with some popcorn and squeeze some Parkay on the one you love as Thrillervideo gives you Growing Pains." Elvira pops up over the end credits. "Stay glued, darling, I`ll be right with you just as soon as these credits role by." Elvira is patting the dog featured in the movie. "Good dog, Nipper, good dog! See, he was alive after all! Oh, good boy!" "Wait a minute, Nipper, wait. What do you have there? What is that?" She pulls something out of the dog`s mouth. "Ewww, ahh, it`s a rabbit`s foot! Oh, gross! Bruce, you`re a bad dog, bad dog! Get out of here! Off! Off! Gross me out. Boy, that rabbit`s foot may be lucky but the rabbit sure wasn`t." "Well, some ending, huh? Dear old dad certainly wound up in a GRAVE situation, didn`t he? Guess now he`ll be spending lots of time with little William. Like an eternity! And mom didn`t seem too unhappy about her husband`s death, did she?" Laurie in clip from movie: "Unhappy?" "Yeah, I mean, if you`re not going to go into mourning you should at least say you`re sorry." Laurie in clip from movie: "I`m sorry." "Oh, that`s better. You know, I probably should say I`m sorry to little James for accusing him of all those pranks." James in clip from movie: "I know." "Yeah, but I`m not gonna! Being the Mistress of the Dark means never having to say you`re sorry." "Well, was I lying or did this movie have some good grossouts in it? Like the nice new stuffed rabbit that his parents gave him. Only problem was they didn`t say what it was stuffed with! And how about that scene at the dinner table? Aaaah! I mean, I almost lost my lunch over that dinner! And that scene in the laboratory. That certainly was a HAREraising experience!" "And so another movie has come to an end. And now I must be growing, ah . . . going. Must be going." James in clip from movie: "Where are you going?" "Oh, I`m going out to check out some more movies for my friends at Thrillervideo, kiddo! Movies like Two Faces of Evil." Deep voiced announcer describes film as scenes are shown. "The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde." Announcer again. "And Guardian of the Abyss." Announcer one last time. James in clip from movie: "What will I do while you`re helping these people?" "You, young man, are going to march right upstairs and go to bed!" James in clip from movie: "Goodnight, mother." "Goodnight, smartASS (bleeped again) and I hope you have nightmares." She turns to the camera: "In fact, I hope you have unpleasant dreams."moreless
    • The House That Bled to Death
      See TV Tome listing for Hammer House of Horror TV series.
    • Guardian of the Abyss
      See TV Tome listing for Hammer House of Horror TV series.
  • Season 1
  • Season 2
  • Season 3
  • Season 4
  • Season 5
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