Elvira's Movie Macabre

Episode 49

Growing Pains

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Growing Pains
See TV Tome listing for Hammer House of Horror TV series. "Hello, darling. Come in. Welcome. Who, do you ask, is this sinfully seductive temptress on your TV set? Allow me to introduce myself. I`m Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. And just in case you think you picked up an erotic flic by mistake, this is Thrillervideo." "They supply the video. I supply the thrills. Guess you could kinda call me the Tina Turner of videos, `cause I never, ever do anything nice and easy. I always do things nice and rough! And that`s the way I do Thrillervideo." "Ow! Ahh! (laughs) I was born to be bad and that`s good and so is the movie I`ve got for you this time. It`s a little number called Growing Pains. Heck, I mean, I`ve had growing pains my own darn self. And most of `em have been in my chest. I tell ya, I developed faster than a Polaroid. Why, in my high school yearbook, I was the only girl that had a picture that folded out. I mean, how would you like it if everytime you went to the supermarket you were arrested for shoplifting melons!" "Anyway, where were we? Oh, yeah, Growing Pains. Anyway, Growing Pains is the story of a nice English couple who adopt a very strange little boy. And let me tell ya, this kid is a pain in the . . . neck. Actually, he`s a pain in the portion of the body a lot lower than the neck, but they won`t let me say ASS (which is bleeped out) `less I`m talking about a mule. See what I mean?" "Well, they may censor me but they didn`t censor this movie. And let me tell you, one of the pranks this kid, James, pulls is what you call groady to the max!" James in clip from movie: "It wasn`t a prank." "Look, kid, I wrote the book on misconduct and it definitely was a prank." James in clip from movie: "If you say so." "All right, we`ll let the audience decide. I`ll be back for your verdict later. Until then, sit back, relax, curl up with some popcorn and squeeze some Parkay on the one you love as Thrillervideo gives you Growing Pains." Elvira pops up over the end credits. "Stay glued, darling, I`ll be right with you just as soon as these credits role by." Elvira is patting the dog featured in the movie. "Good dog, Nipper, good dog! See, he was alive after all! Oh, good boy!" "Wait a minute, Nipper, wait. What do you have there? What is that?" She pulls something out of the dog`s mouth. "Ewww, ahh, it`s a rabbit`s foot! Oh, gross! Bruce, you`re a bad dog, bad dog! Get out of here! Off! Off! Gross me out. Boy, that rabbit`s foot may be lucky but the rabbit sure wasn`t." "Well, some ending, huh? Dear old dad certainly wound up in a GRAVE situation, didn`t he? Guess now he`ll be spending lots of time with little William. Like an eternity! And mom didn`t seem too unhappy about her husband`s death, did she?" Laurie in clip from movie: "Unhappy?" "Yeah, I mean, if you`re not going to go into mourning you should at least say you`re sorry." Laurie in clip from movie: "I`m sorry." "Oh, that`s better. You know, I probably should say I`m sorry to little James for accusing him of all those pranks." James in clip from movie: "I know." "Yeah, but I`m not gonna! Being the Mistress of the Dark means never having to say you`re sorry." "Well, was I lying or did this movie have some good grossouts in it? Like the nice new stuffed rabbit that his parents gave him. Only problem was they didn`t say what it was stuffed with! And how about that scene at the dinner table? Aaaah! I mean, I almost lost my lunch over that dinner! And that scene in the laboratory. That certainly was a HAREraising experience!" "And so another movie has come to an end. And now I must be growing, ah . . . going. Must be going." James in clip from movie: "Where are you going?" "Oh, I`m going out to check out some more movies for my friends at Thrillervideo, kiddo! Movies like Two Faces of Evil." Deep voiced announcer describes film as scenes are shown. "The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde." Announcer again. "And Guardian of the Abyss." Announcer one last time. James in clip from movie: "What will I do while you`re helping these people?" "You, young man, are going to march right upstairs and go to bed!" James in clip from movie: "Goodnight, mother." "Goodnight, smartASS (bleeped again) and I hope you have nightmares." She turns to the camera: "In fact, I hope you have unpleasant dreams."moreless

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