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Johnny "Drama" Chase
Saigon: You two got yourselves a client. That's why y'all here, right? Y'all want to manage me?
Drama: Not me. I've got my own flourishing career to manage.
Saigon's friend: What do you do?
Turtle: He just tries to act like he's not retarded.
Billy Walsh: All right, but I want Johnny's watch.
Turtle: No problem. Give him your watch.
Drama: I ain't giving him my watch.
Billy Walsh: I'll put the liquor store meltdown scene back in and I'll listen to the song.
Drama: Deal. (Johnny gives him the watch)
Billy Walsh: I was going to put that scene back in anyway. Now play your funky music white boy.
Ari: We're going to hell so bring your sunblock.
Ari: It's 9:30, do you know where your only client is?
Eric: What are testing out the emergency asshole system, Ari?
Eric: (on the phone) Hey, Ari, what's up?
Ari: What's up? It's intervention time, baby. This is the plan--for $5,000 I can get a cult deprogrammer to come brainwash Vinnie. My sister, Eileen, went to the Cornell Summer Program in '88, came back a f*ckin' moonie. Three sessions later and bam--she's a pilates instructor in Tenafly.
Vince: (referring to James Cameron) He didn't call?
Ari: (pauses, looks around) No, he did not call.
Eric: Jesus Christ!
Vince: (to Ari) No, you're f*cking pathological.
Ari: Listen. Read Jack Welch, Tony Robbins, Phil Jackson. Motivation! This sh*t works! You want to be Shaq or Kobe? Michael or Scotty? Damon or Affleck?
Eric: (angrily) Ari, do you want to be out of our lives, man, 'cause this could seriously end you.
Miss Saigon: What you looking for my son for?
Turtle: We want to make him rich.
Miss Saigon: (looks out the door) What are you, drug dealers?
Turtle: Oh, no, no, we're music guys.
Drama: Actually, I'm an actor, ma'am. You might have seen me on 227 back in 1994.
Barbara: Eric. You don't want to end up spinning dough at that fucking pizza place again, do you?
Eric: (looks at Ari, incredulous)
Ari: (shrugs his shoulders) Told her a little bit about you.
Eric: (angrily) Listen, Babs, you don't want to talk to me like that. 'Cause I don't care who you are. Yes, I am Vince's manager, but we've also been best friends since we were six years old and I don't appreciate sitting in a room discussing his personal life with a bunch of fucking strangers.
Turtle: (listening to hip-hop music in the Maserati) Yo, Vince, this shit is hot! Who is it?
Vince: No clue.
Drama: Sounds like Eminem to me.
Turtle: What do you know about hip-hop, Drama? (Vince laughs)
Drama: Are you crazy, bro? I'm O.G.
Turtle: (laughs) O.G.? The last hip-hop CD you bought was the Kid 'N Play box set.
Barbara: So, Ari, who's gonna be running this shindig, you or me?
Ari: You've got the biggest cock in the room, Babs, so why don't you kick it off?
Barbara: Oh, I don't know about that Ari. We haven't seen Eric's yet.
Eric: (walks away, weary of Barbara)
Shauna: (over the phone) Break out your little black and white composition notebook, Eric, and I want you to write a 1,000 times, "I promise to control my client."
Eric: What now?
Shauna: This week's Us Weekly--three page spread of Vince and Mandy, including pictures of them massaging produce at Bristol Farms.
Eric: Look, I told you Vince wasn't gonna let the press control his life. Pictures were inevitable.
Shauna: F*ck you, Eric. They look like they're posing for them.
Drama: I'm telling you, once your car's been stolen, it never runs the same again. It's like a guy sleeping with your girl. He leaves his mark all over her.
Vince: And how does a car know it's been stolen?
Drama: Ask the Buddhists, bro. They believe everything's got a soul, even a toaster oven.
Ari: (on the phone) What do you got, Babs?
Barbara: I got a giant f*cking migraine is what I got.
Ari: (pacing in his office) I'll give you one of my famous shoulder massages. You remember those from the old days?
Barbara: I do, Ari. I also remember you threatened to sue me for sexual harrassment right before I fired you.
Ari: (smiling, shaking his head) Didn't we settle out of court?
Barbara: Enough flirting, Ari. I want you to listen the f*ck up.
Lloyd: Barbara Miller's on the phone for you. She's Mandy Moore's agent.
Ari: (angry) I know who the f*ck she is. Go get me a kava berry shake with a pinch of bee pollen, all right, Lloyd?
Drama: You know, maybe we should pick up the Maserati before we all start saying things we regret.
Vince: Where's the Maserati?
Turtle: Police impound. Got stolen right in front of Nacional last night.
Vince: (referring to E) Guy loses a $100,000 car, which I gave him, and he's calling me irresponsible?
Drama: Oh, hey, Aquaman! Mandy finally let you out of her web?
Vince: Sorry I'm late. You know how hard it is to break away from a good spooning.
Drama: Superhero or no superhero, it's downright rude to be this tardy. Maybe we should get him a driver.
Eric: He's got a driver.
Turtle: It's not my fault. I'm on call, but I need to be called. Besides he could've taken a cab.
Drama: No one takes cabs in L.A., Turtle.
Turtle: 'Cause no one can figure out what color they are. I mean they got blue one, green ones, red ones, white ones.
Drama: You know, f*ck a city where the cabs aren't monochromatic yellow.
(On the phone with his wife, after a difficult meeting with Vince and Eric)
Ari: Well did it ever occur to you, that a seven o'clock dinner in Santa fuckin' Monica is too early?...I'm sorry baby, I'm so- I had a bad day; I will not leave you alone with my mother; I know what could happen. Love and kisses! Love and kisses!
Drama: This is crazy - coming down here and not strapped.
Turtle: You don't even own a gun, Drama.
Drama: I don't need a gun, Turtle. All I needed was my nunchucks...but you wouldn't stop by the house.
Ari: You boys look angry -- if there was plastic on the floor I'd think I was about to be whacked.
Barbara: Eric, we both know Vince has fucked half the actresses in this town. Mandy on the other hand, is a good girl.
Eric: (to Ari) You seriously gonna sit here and let them bad mouth Vince like this?
Ari: I thought that was a compliment.
Ari: Be here in thirty minutes.
Eric: Why? What's up?
Ari: We're going to hell, so bring your sunblock.
Ari: Little memory trick when they introduce themselves - word association. Like you say "Eric Murphy" and I think, you know, "Loser."
Eric: Or like, "Ari Gold" - "Douchebag"?
Drama: Fuck a city where the cabs aren't monochromatic yellow.
Turtle: Stop being so white, Drama.
Vince: You actually sat in a meeting and discussed my personal life?
Eric: No, as soon as I figured out what they wanted, I told them all to fuck off.
Vince: You told Barbara Miller to f*ck off?
Eric: Yeah. Nobody talks shit about you. Except me.
Vince: Good looking out, E. (the two handshake)
Drama: Great job, Turtle. You just sold a song you don't own.
Turtle: You know what my pops used to say?
Drama: "I wish I had a daughter"?
Turtle: No. "Sell it, don't smell it." Don't worry we'll get the rights.
Turtle: We'll wing it, my man.
Ari: Hey idiot.
Erik: Hey, what's up, asshole?
(Ari's out jogging, a mother with a baby jogs by)
Ari: Got MILF?
Anna Maria Horsford played another rapper's mother, Method Man, in the short-lived FOX sitcom Method & Red.
The guys wait for Vince to join them for breakfast... and wait.
2327 Main Street
Santa Monica, CA 90291
Drama and Turtle track down Saigon.
5877 Rodeo Road
West Los Angeles, CA 90016
"Wild N' The West" by Chico & Coolwadda
"Let a Nigga Know," "Letter P," "Come Again" and ""Repercussion" by Saigon
"Jerk It Out" by Caesars
"Yea Yo" by Vi
"Sympathy for the Devil" by The Rolling Stones
Steve Berman is a real life music executive at Interscope Records, mentioned for example in the 2012 Billboard Power 100.
Episode Title: Good Morning Saigon
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