ER Season 9 Episode 13

Carmichael: I need you to write me up a full disclosure, so I can file a lawsuit against tobacco companies.
Luka: Mr. Carmichael, you've been smoking cigarettes since you were a teenager.
Carmichael: So?
Luka: So, you need to take some responsibility for that. Instead of looking for someone to blame, you should concentrate on how to manage your disease and make the most of the time you have left.
Carmichael: Ah, I get it. This is just HMO's and big business covering each others asses. Well, screw you, pal. I'll see you in court.
Luka: No, you won't.
Carmichael: Oh, yeah? You don't think I'll sue you too?
Luka: You're not going to live that long.

(about his exchange with Carmichael)
Kerry: What's that all about?
Luka: Stupidity.
Kerry: On whose part? His or yours?
Luka: What is it with this country? Nobody takes responsibility for anything. Always looking for someone else to blame, someone to sue.
Frank: If you don't like it here, go back to Croatia. Not near as many lawyers. A lot more land mines, though.

(Corday was asked out on a coffee date and declined)
Corday: Was I rude?
Abby and Susan: No.
Corday: Look, the problem is, that, uhm, I go home half expecting Mark to be with Ella in the backyard. It's been (pauses) a long time, since, you know, I talked to another man. I think I over reacted. It's only coffee.
Susan: I think Mark would want you to get on with your life. I also think if a good looking guy is interested in you and you're not interested in him, the least you could do is introduce me.
Corday: Thank you.
Susan: I'm not kidding!

(Abby's holding a yellow envelope)
Abby: Someone dropped this off for you. Made me promise I'd give it to you personally. I'm guessing nude blackmail photos.
Carter: Not again.

(looking at Abby and Carter)
McNulty: Wow, wow, wow. Ken and Barbie in the medical world.

Susan: You're here for a consult?
Romano: No, I heard Weaver was teaching a Jazzercise class out in the ambulance bay.

Romano: You'll do better next time.
Jensen: You're right, because I won't go into surgery with you.

Chen: It was Club soda.
Susan: What?
Chen: Yeah, Susan. I was opening a can this morning and it sprayed all over me. That's why I had to take off the sweater, to let it dry.
Susan: Oh.
Chen: Oh!
Susan: Club soda.
Chen: Yeah! Soda water glows under black lights, remember?
Susan: Good! I just thought... I don't know...
Chen: You thought that I was this ER slut with spunk all over her sweater.
Susan: No. No! Jing-Mei!

Kerry: No, I'm not giving you any time off!
Luka: I have sick days.
Kerry: Are you kidding? You're lucky you still have a job.
Luka: I need time to sort things out.
Kerry: Yeah, I agree, and you need to do it on your own time.
(Luka takes off his stethoscope and walks out the door as a patient is rolled in)
Kerry: Wait! Hey! Where you going?
Gallant: Dr. Kovac, can I get some help?
Luka: No!

(about Luka)
Susan: I think maybe you should talk to him. He seems a little depressed.
Abby: He's European; that's his base line. Besides, I'm still mad at him for putting that whole adventure doctor idea into Carter's head.

(after Pratt brought in an African American patient)
Carter: This guy a friend of yours?
Pratt: We're not all related, you know.

(about a woman with her hand stuck in a bear trap)
Abby: She was demonstrating the cruelty of bear trapping at the university.
Carter: (to the woman) Good thing you didn't try to chew it off.

McNulty: How would you like to come to work for me, beautiful?
Abby: Do you have a dental plan?

Abby: Susan, what's that on your sweater?
Lewis: Oh, my God.
Abby: Is that semen?
Lewis: It's not my sweater. Oh, gross.
(a few minutes later)
Abby: The real question is, who does it belong to? Pratt?
Lewis: Eeewww!
Abby: Frank?
Lewis: Eeewww! Eeewww!
Abby: Jerry???
Lewis: Eeewww! Stop it! You're creeping me out!