Everybody Hates Chris

Chris: You just happen to have books on dog training in your locker? Greg: I got lots of stuff in there. Let's see... I've got a bartender's guide, an auction catalog to fine crystal (mostly Lalique), How to Fly a Helicopter, The Idiot's Guide to Tic-Tac-Toe, a Gutenberg Bible, and a street guide to Baghdad. You never know. Chris: (narrating) That guidebook lists a lot more streets than they have left in Baghdad now.

Mr. Omar: Hey Ms. Rochelle, what's going on? Rochelle: We got robbed! Mr. Omar: You got robbed?!? When? Rochelle: Two nights ago. Where were you? Mr. Omar: I was at home. Rochelle: Well didn't you hear anything? Mr. Omar: Oh, no, I was busy. Rochelle: Well they cleaned out half the house. Mr. Omar: Well, the important thing is you got your health. Material things don't matter. 'Cause after all, you can't take it with you. Rochelle: That's 'cause they took it all with them!

Julius: Chris, this is it. You got 48 hours to train that dog or he's dog food. Chris: (narrating) Dogs aren't used in dog food, but this wasn't a good time to correct my father.

Chris: (narrating) I thought I'd never see Blackie again... and he thought he'd never seen me before.

Chris: (narrating) Believe me, there have been many other problems. One time the house flooded. Rochelle: Can we call the insurance company now? Julius: Now we have a swimming pool. Chris: (narrating) Another time a plane dropped a load. Rochelle: Can we call the insurance company now? Julius: No way. Now we have new luggage. Chris: (narrating) And another time aliens took over. Rochelle: Now can I call the insurance company? Julius: No, I've always wanted to go to another planet.

Chris: I'm training the dog in Spanish. Julius: Why? Chris: It's part of the attack-dog training. Like you can only talk to a German Shepherd in German or an Irish Wolfhound in Irish. (referring to Blackie) This is a Puerto Rican mutt. Julius: Well, I don't care what he speaks as long as he stays out of my chair and you turn him into a killer.

Chris: (narrating) I tried monkey see, monkey do, which is quite useless with a dog.