Raymond Albert Barone
Robert says that Ray could think about Molly's party as her Bat-Mitzva. However, a Bat-Mitzva, unlike a Bar-Mitzva, is held at age 12, not 13.
Debra: Look, Ray, Ally still needs the dress. She'll be the only girl at the party without one. She'll stand out.
Ray: Oh, right, now you're just like Peggy.
Debra: Oooooooh, so this is all because you hate Peggy.
Ray: No. No, it's not. It's morally and ethnically wrong!
Debra: You're out of your element, Ray.
Ray: Listen, I feel sorry for Ally, too, but isn't it more important that we don't raise spoiled kids?
Debra: You're just saying that to impress your mother.
Marie: And he has!
Marie: I agree with Raymond.
Robert: (sarcastically, pretends to be tallying something down) Oh, Ma agrees with Raymond. That's forty years in a row!
Peggy: Hello, Ally's Dad.
Peggy: Is there a problem here?
Ray: Hey, Ally, um, give us a minute here, okay? Why don't you and Molly go down and take turns sitting in the massage chair? (kids leave, Ray turns to Peggy) A couple of us were wondering, what are you thinking? A formal party for 13-year-olds? I mean, yeah, I understand the milestones and the weird hormonal changes.......but you're not even Jewish!
Amy: What happened to hide and go seek and cake in the backyard?
Frank: There's cake in the backyard?
Robert: I was great at hide and go seek. Nobody ever found me.
Ray: Nobody looked.
Ally: Mom, we gotta get to the mall. I just talked to Julie, and she's buying her dress today. She said she'll meet us there, so let's go.
Debra: Honey, I have a PTA meeting, so your father can take you.
Ray: Me? Wait, no, no, no, I don't even--
Debra: You want to go to the PTA?
Ally: Come on, Dad. Please, please, please, please, please? I want to get there before all the good colors are gone. I'll be in the car. (runs out the door)
Debra: Your daughter's waiting. (Ray sighs and heads for the door)
Robert: The guy never had a chance.
Frank: While you're there, why don't you pick out a dress for yourself?
Debra: (after Ally comes in slamming doors) Ray, what's going on?
Ray: Guess how much the dress cost. Go ahead.
Debra: I don't know, like $100?
Ray: (makes a buzzer sound) Eeeeeeh! Guess again!
Debra: Just tell me, Ray.
Ray: Ehhh! Ehhh!
Debra: Ray, knock it off.
Ray: Wrong. $250.00!
Frank: Yes! I was closest!
Ally: Listen....I know that the dress was too expensive.
Ray: Really? Wow. You see? I'm glad you feel that way.
Ally: Yeah, I mean, I think the whole dressing up thing is kind of dumb. So does Molly, but her mom is just so--
Ray: Horrible? Yeah, I know.
Ally: I was gonna say excited.
Ray: Well, yeah, that's what I meant....horribly excited.
Ally: (when Ray buys her the dress) Oh my gosh! I promise I'll do lots of chores to pay for it. I'll wash your car and babysit, and--
Ray: Don't worry about any of that. You just go and have a good time.
Ally: Why did you buy it?
Ray: I bought it because...you're a good kid, and you don't ask for much, and I just want you to know that you can count on me to do things...when they're important for you.
Ray: Jerry, did you see what these dresses cost? They're $250!
Jerry: I know. I was gonna get a lawn mower.
Ray: You know what I say? I say all the parents should protest and refuse to buy this fancy crap. That would just show Peggy she's not the boss of us!
Jerry: Or get us all killed. I heard she once beat a guy up over some cookies.
Ray: (embarrassed) Oh.....no, I heard that he beat her up, actually. Bad.
Peggy: I just thought it would be fun if for one night, all the kids looked nice. I'm just sick of the belly shirts and the thongs sticking out to here.
Ray: Hey, listen, I don't like any of these things on girls under 21 either, but Ally doesn't dress like that!
Robert: I was always the best at hide-and-seek. Nobody ever found me.
Ray: Nobody looked!
Marie: You know, Debra, you could save a lot of money if you make Ally a dress yourself. (pauses) Oh, that's right...well, how about if I make the dress and tell her you helped?
Robert: You know, Raymond, you could think of this as Molly's Bat-Mitzvah.
Ray: Could we think of this as your "Shut Upzvah?"
Peggy: What are you making such a big deal about? You're a sportswriter--you make a lot of money.
Ray: No, I write about people who make a lot of money!
Ray: That's a lot of money to pay for a dress.
Debra: Well, you've never been a 13-year-old girl.
Ray: You know, you're really running out of things to criticize me about.
Frank: Let me tell you something: you want that hate. If your kids like you, you've failed as parents.
Robert: Allow me to congratulate you on your magnificent success.
Ally: (yelling at Ray) Well, I hate you!
Debra: Congratulations, Ray. You're a successful parent.
Amy: $250 for a dress that will only be worn once? That's awfully expensive!
Ray: Yeah, well, tell it to Debra von Moneybags.
Marie: You are not getting a TV in the bathroom!
Frank: Then I'm bringing the toilet into the living room!
Peggy: Fine. Don't buy the dress. And then you can explain to Ally why she will be the only girl there without one. She will stick out like a giant nose on a stupid face.
Ray: (to the clerk) Let me ask you something. Don't you think that this is an awful lot of money to spend on a one-time thing?
Clerk: That's not for me to say, sir, but how can you put a price on the smile of this beautiful young woman? (She places her hands on Ally's shoulders)
Ray: You work on commission, don't you?
Ally: Dad, I don't think you can bring food in here.
Ray: Hey, I paid four bucks for this cookie. I'm not givin' it up.
Clerk: I'm sorry... (Holds out her hand)
Clerk: You can have it back when you leave.
Ray: Okay. I know how much I ate.
Clerk: Now, may I help you?
Ray: Um, yeah, we're looking for a dress for my daughter here. It's for the Peggy Ardelino party. I was supposed to mention her name.
Clerk: Follow me. Here we are. These are the dresses for the Ardelino party.
Ally: Wow, Daddy, look at them!
Ally: They're beautiful!
Ray: Yeah, you can wear it to a fall party or just knocking around the house. Which color do you want?
Ally: The blue.
Ray: Beautiful. How much is it?
Clerk: These dresses are $250.
Ally: (turns to dressing room) I'll be in there.
Ray: Whoa, whoa, wait a minute! $250?
Clerk: That's with the 10 percent discount for mentioning Peggy's name.
Ray: All right. Peggy, Peggy, Peggy, Peggy, Peggy. How much is it now?
Frank: Peggy. Hey, Ray, isn't she the cookie lady that beat you up?
Robert: Hey, yeah. The cookie lady... she beat the chips out of you! (they laugh)
Ray: Yeah, yeah. I can't wait until one of you two needs a kidney!
Ray: I still remember when you forced me and Robert to wear your homemade jeans.
Marie: They were very nice. They looked just like the kind the other boys were wearing.
Robert: They were velvet!
Marie: That denim is very abrasive.
Ray: Yeah, so were the other boys!
Ally's best friend Molly is played in this episode by Alexandra Romano, Ray Romano's real-life daughter.
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