Raymond Albert Barone
Robert: Pumpernickel sleeps with the fish sticks.
Ray: Dad. Again with the metal detector?
Frank: Your mother's birthday is coming up.
Ray: There's only rocks and dirt here.
Marie: That's better than what he got me last year.
Marie: Let's have a snack and maybe Pumpernickel will hear us eating and he'll come join us.
Frank: He can have some of yours, he's not getting any of mine.
Ally: (wanting to peek at her dead hamster in the shoebox) Can I see Pumpernickel now?
Ray: Oh, well, I don't think so, Ally, I—
Debra: No, no, it's okay, sweetie, you can go see him. (Ray gives her a look) It's important for closure.
Ray: Ah. Reading books again?
(Ray tries to move the couch just as Frank sits down)
Ray: Would ya get up? I'm trying to move the couch.
Frank: Give me a ride.
Debra: Why does my living room look like a frat house?
Marie: I didn't notice any difference, really.
Debra: (speaking at Pumpernickel's "funeral") Okay. Well, I always felt very close to Pumpernickel, especially since I did all the feeding and cleaning...you know, most of the work. So Pumpernickel's passing is going to leave a big hole in my life. I can't imagine what I'll do with the time...
Frank: There are no animals in people Heaven, Ally. Your grandma's been hitting the sauce!
Marie: You know, Ally, the important thing to remember is that Pumpernickel is in Heaven.
Frank: Not really.
Ray: Come on, Ally, just give the new hamster a chance. He's a nice little replacement.
Ally: I don't want a replacement, Daddy! (runs upstairs)
Robert: I think that's just what she needs: a replacement daddy!
Ray: All I see are Fudge Pops!
Robert: Look at the hairy one on the left.
Robert: ...So- aloha. Which means "goodbye" and hello. Same as "shalom".
Ray: Yeah- Shut up. One meaning.
Robert: Wait! He still may be alive.
Frank: You kidding me? You can crack a walnut with that thing.
Frank: Pumpernickel. Like the hamster, love the bread.
Robert: You know, Ally, it's come to my understanding that freezing's a virtually painless way to go.
Frank: Unlike marriage, where the pain is...
Robert: We might be able to resuscitate him.
Frank: Hey, let's toss him the microwave.
Frank: (Coming into the kitchen with a baseball bat) He's not in the attic.
Ray: Dad, just so you know, we want the hamster back alive.
Frank: That's up to him.
Robert: (on replacing Pumpernickel) You're never gonna find one that looks the same.
Ray: Oh, yeah, where am I going to find a brown hamster?
Ray: Look at his whiskers. They're all fudgy.
Robert: His last meal.
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