Raymond Albert Barone
Marie: Robert, you know the most important pants a person has? Underpants.
Robert: I know Ma.
Marie: You remember when you ran out of underpants that time?
Robert: It was the fifth grade, Ma.
Marie: And you had to wear a pair of Raymond's underpants to school.
Raymond: Eww! You never told me that.
Raymond: (about Frank and Marie) How do you do it? How do you live with them? If I were you, I would be wiping off my fingerprints and rehearsing my 911 call.
Robert: Oh, you get used to them, you know? It's like an impacted wisdom tooth. Without the wisdom.
Frank: Hey, Ray, you wanna hear my impression of Robert's tushie cushion? "How about a salad, Fatso?"
(Robert's apartment stinks and he shows everyone the candle he's using to get rid of the smell)
Robert: This is Lavender Bouquet.
Ray: Can we use it to light the apartment on fire?
Debra: Robert, you got any more candles?
Frank: Or an old sneaker I could bury my face in?
Robert: Make yourselves at home... or not.
Frank: I say not.
Frank: Robert said that I smell like a billy goat.
Marie: Which wasn't true yesterday.
Debra: Robert, we were just talking about your birthday.
Robert: Oh, yeah, my birthday. Happy birthday to the middle aged man who's still living with his parents.
Marie: (sing-song) And many more.
Debra: (Mocking Robert) "Wah, wah, wah. My mother doesn't pay enough attention to me. I just broke up with my girlfriend. Raymond has a better life then me. Wah, wah, wah".
Robert: I don't say, "Wah, wah, wah".
Debra: You're acting like that right now.
Robert: That's because I just said, "Wah, wah, wah".
Marie: (to Robert) You're never too big to cry, dear.
Ray: Although you might be close to the cut-off point.
Debra: Oh, Robert. I'm sorry I yelled at you.
Robert: And I'm sorry I called you perfect.
Raymond: Ah, oh God, what the hell is that smell? Robert: I left a carton of milk out the day I got gored by the bull. Apparently if you leave milk out for 12 weeks, it goes bad and then explodes.
Marie: I have my perfume! (sprays Robert's apartment with it to mask the rotten milk smell)
Ray: Yeah, that's good, Ma. Now it smells like a cow died in a whorehouse!
Debra: (to Robert) Hey, you better be nice to me, pal, 'cause I'm the last person in the family that doesn't want to climb up there and strangle you!
Robert: Aaaah, another height joke. How nice. Very refreshing after all the "bull in the ass" jokes.
Robert: (about the gym membership Debra gave him) I'll tell you what, Deb, why don't you take it, huh? You can go and exercise and lose like half a pound and then officially be perfect. (mockingly) Perfect Debra, sitting in a tree, P-E-R-F-E-C-T.
Frank: Hey, that rhymes.
Debra: (to Ray and Frank) Good, because I need to talk to you guys.
Ray: Oh no! Oh lord! Oh mighty what?!
Debra: Listen, I've been thinking what to get Robert for his birthday.
Frank: Ok. (looks in his wallet) All I got is a ten. Can this be for Christmas, too?
Debra: I think we all need to be a little bit more understanding of Robert. That's what families are supposed to do.
Frank: Is that some of your 'I'm okay, you're okay' hippy crap?
Debra: No, it's just right.
Frank: (holds up peace sign) Peace, man!
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