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Raymond Albert Barone
Nitpick: When Robert was having a box of Bugles, he didn't touch it to his chin. After offering Raymond a Bugle, he touched another one to his chin.
Ray: (about needing time alone to write his book) I'm sacrificing the most precious time of all—time with my children. You don't see two cats and a cradle playing up here?
Debra: I see two monkeys and a yo-yo playing up there.
Ray: You just don't want me to write a book, because then comes the tours, and the groupies.
Debra: (laughs) Oh, now there's a sorry bunch of women.
Debra: I want you to go apologize to Robert so when you look at yourself, you see a man.
Ray: At least I don't see what Robert sees. A big oaf who has a sweater that looks like yarn vomit. (Pause) I can't even write my own talk.
Robert: You ripped my sweater.
Ray: Good. By the way, the itchy part is from me.
Frank: What did you use for toilet paper?
Debra: Toilet paper.
Frank: Then it wasn't really camping. You know, I could tell you a story—
Debra: Okay, that's all right, Frank!
Marie: This is why we can't have nice things!
Ray: (about Robert) And then you go showering him with fancy gifts!
Debra: It was a sweater, and it's from both of us.
Ray: Yeah? Well, I hope it's itchy because that's the part from me.
Ray: You just don't understand.
Debra: No, I understand. You want to write a book, and you will. You can dedicate it to your ex-wife who couldn't take your crap any longer.
Debra: Okay, look honey, I know you're disappointed about your book not coming out, but you have a great job and a family who loves you.
Ray: That's what you always say.
Debra: You're going straight to bed? You're not gonna read or watch TV or anything?
Ray: I can't write, so why should I read? I mean, what is the point, really? What is the point?
Debra: Are you finished?
Ray: If you're referring to my writing career!
Robert: You know, Raymond, the way I see it is that a lot of books get published that suck. So for your book not to get published... it must have been off-the-charts suck!
Ray: How am I supposed to focus when the house is crawling with doody heads? (talking about the kids)
Debra: (sarcastically) Oh, were they noisy? Gosh, when I'm alone with them, they just sit in the corner and read The Bible!
Ray: I need help. I'm under the gun to finish up this book. So I was just wondering if maybe you could, ah, pick up the slack here for the next couple of days.
Debra: My whole LIFE is picking up the slack!
Raymond: That was my publisher. They, uh, read the first two chapters of my book. They didn't want me to write any more.
Debra: Oh, my God, Ray.
Marie: But why? Were there spelling errors?
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