Raymond Albert Barone
When Ray puts the twins to sleep in the middle of the day you can see that they switch positions between shots, in the middle of the bed, head on pillow, at the top of the bed, head off pillow, etc.
Marie: When my boys misbehaved, I would just say, "Wait until your father gets home."
Debra: I would love that. But when I tell the boys "Wait until your father gets home," they say "Good, he works for us."
Ray: Come on. You've seen me lay down the law, right?
Frank: I've seen you lay down.
Debra: Wait, wait, wait. Did you two clean your room?
Michael: Daddy said we could go outside.
Debra: Oh, nice try! That room is a disaster area, and I asked you two to clean it half an hour ago.
Ray: Maybe they could go outside and finish it up later.
Debra: No, Ray! What are you doing? You two go upstairs and clean that room right now!
Geoffrey: Mommy's mean! (boys go upstairs)
Debra: Ray, may I please see you in the kitchen for a minute?
Ray: (turns to Marie) Mom, can I go outside?
Ray: We need a plan. What are we going to do?
Debra: I don't know! What are you asking me for?
Ray: Because it's gotta be you. I can't even put their pj's on-- you think I'm going to be able to take away their beer and cigarettes?
Frank: (about scaring his sons into behaving): I still got it!
Marie: Actually, Frank, obviously you never had it.
Marie: Look at you. You spent their whole lives being the tough guy, and all it made them want to do is sneak out of the house.
Frank: Maybe they wanted to get away from you. That's why I leave the house.
Debra: Ray just put the twins to bed and took away all their holidays.
Frank: Hey, all right! Did you take away birthdays, too?
Marie: I see no reason why Raymond has to be the bad guy when Debra's naturally good at it.
Marie: You were half naked? In the Daily News??
Debra: I wasn't naked. They put a black bar over the exposed area.
Frank: I hate those!
Debra: Listen, it was no big deal, it was COLLEGE!
Marie: No big deal? Debra, in a few years, Ally will be in college.
Debra: But Ally would never do something like that, because we will teach her that it is not right to do things like that...(voice trails off, she's shot down)
Robert: Oh boy.
Debra: (in response to her behavior in college) It was college! I was finding myself.
Ray: You found yourself on page 7 of the Daily News with your boobs hanging out!
Marie: (about raising kids) You just love them, no matter what they do. No matter how many times they don't listen to you. And you hope that one day, they'll grow up and realize how much they have hurt you.
Ray: Yeah. Yeah, I guess you're right, Deb. You grew up in a good family and never felt the need to do any of that stuff.
Ray: But you did feel the need to go to a concert on Mardi Gras...
Ray: And get drunk...
Ray: And take your shirt off.
Frank: Holy crap!
Marie: Oh, Frank, doesn't Ally look nice in her Frontier Girl uniform?
Frank: Great. When's cookie season?
Ally: In the spring.
Frank: I'll see you then!
Debra: (to Ray) Okay, so I guess we'll talk later, because I have to take Ally to her meeting, You make sure the boys clean that room.
Marie: Oh, Debra, I'll clean up. In fact, I'll give the whole upstairs a once-over.....and then the downstairs.
Debra: Thank you, Marie, but the boys can do it themselves.
Marie: Boys should play. I hardly used to make Ray tidy up.
Debra: I know, Marie, and thank you for that!
Ray: I'm a fun dad.
Debra: Yeah well you got the 'fun' part right.
Ray: What's that supposed to mean?
Robert: You're a lousy dad.
Debra: Yesterday, Ally asked me if she could buy a mini-skirt.
Ray: Oh crap!
Marie: You've already lost!
Ray: Tell her the answer is 'no'! No skirts of any kind! Pants... snow pants!
Robert: Ray would always brag about how he had the stairs memorized; which ones squeaked, which didn't. And when he was down, it was out the door for another night of bad judgement and questional behavior.
Ray: One time, when we snuck out to a concert, Robert stole a bottle of peppermint schnapps from your liquor cabinent.
Robert: (yelling) He's lying!!
Frank: I know he is, because I had that cabinent padlocked.
Ray: Yes, that's why he had to inch it away from the wall and pop out the back panel.
Marie: You drank?
Frank: You popped out the back panel?!
Ray: And after the concert, Robert was so "schnockered", that he'd fight anyone who didn't agree that "Bungle in the Jungle" was the best song ever written!
Robert: It's a great song, but this is lies!
Ray: Then the next morning, he threw up in the living room and you wanted to know why the house smelled like mint vomit.
Marie: You told me you had a bad candy cane.
Ray: No matter what we tell Ally and, uh, the other ones, aren't they going to do the same we did, or worse?
Frank: You need to build a cage.
(about Debra's stripping back at college)
Robert: No matter what you do, they're still going to grab your booze and go to a concert.
Debra: No concerts; shirts can come off at concerts!
(everyone looks at Debra)
Robert: I gotta start a band.
Frank: Ray knows better than to sneak out at night.
Ray: Actually, Dad, with your snoring, I could have walked out of there blowing a trumpet.
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