Captain Parmenter goes away to command school and comes back a hard-nosed officer that everybody hates. Meanwhile, O'Rourke takes orders for mail order brides in the captain's absence.
Wrangler Jane: The men used to call you the "lovable old man" behind your back.
Agarn: And now they call you Ironpants behind your pants!
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Capt. "Ironpants" Parmenter: Sergeant, arrest this woman.
O'Rourke: I can't do that, sir. She's a civilian.
Capt. "Ironpants" Parmenter: Then draft her. Then arrest her.
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O'Rourke: (negotiating price of mock Indian attack) $15. Take it or leave it.
Wild Eagle: For $15, I could not even get squaws to attack.
Agarn: $17.50?
Wild Eagle: For that price, I cannot give you first-class attack. All you get are six braves on old horses, no war paint, no yelling and screaming.
Agarn: What's an Indian attack with no war whoops?!?
Wild Eagle: Would you whoop it up for $17.50?
O'Rourke: He's got a point. Alright, we'll take the $20 attack, but I want a lot of braves, a lotta war paint, yelling, screaming.
Wild Eagle: Now if you'd like to go for $25 attack, five redskins bite dust!
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The episode title is a take-off of "Old Ironsides," the nickname given to the the famous US Navy frigate, USS Constitution. It earned the nickname when cannonballs reportedly bounced off her thick wooden hull.
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