F Troop

Wrangler Jane: The men used to call you the "lovable old man" behind your back. Agarn: And now they call you Ironpants behind your pants!

Capt. "Ironpants" Parmenter: Sergeant, arrest this woman. O'Rourke: I can't do that, sir. She's a civilian. Capt. "Ironpants" Parmenter: Then draft her. Then arrest her.

O'Rourke: (negotiating price of mock Indian attack) $15. Take it or leave it. Wild Eagle: For $15, I could not even get squaws to attack. Agarn: $17.50? Wild Eagle: For that price, I cannot give you first-class attack. All you get are six braves on old horses, no war paint, no yelling and screaming. Agarn: What's an Indian attack with no war whoops?!? Wild Eagle: Would you whoop it up for $17.50? O'Rourke: He's got a point. Alright, we'll take the $20 attack, but I want a lot of braves, a lotta war paint, yelling, screaming. Wild Eagle: Now if you'd like to go for $25 attack, five redskins bite dust!

Wild Eagle: Wise, old Indian saying: "You show me squirrel with acorn and I show you happy moose!" Agarn: Chief, why don't you wise up and cut out those wise, old Indian sayings?

Vanderbilt: (ordering bride) I want a girl named Shirley. O'Rourke: Don't you care what she looks like? Vanderbilt: They all look alike to me. Right, Dobbs? Agarn: I'm Agarn Vanderbilt: You see what I mean, Sarge?

O'Rourke: (to staggering drunk) Charlie, look. I know you're the town drunk, but the saloon has only been open for ten minutes. Agarn: Charlie, you oughta be ashamed of yourself. Capt. Parmenter: Oh, nonsense. We're all very proud of Charlie. Why, we've got the fastest drunk in the west!

O'Rourke: Don't you worry, Captain. I'm gonna have that gun crew practicing every minute. Agarn: What do you wanna do, Sarge? Blow up the fort?