Family Guy Season 3 Episode 16

Lois: So you can cook your own damned turkey, wrap your own damned presents - and while you're at it, you can all ride a one-horse open sleigh to Hell!

Joe: Ah! Oh no, I've broken my legs!
(Joe, Peter, Cleveland, and Quagmire begin laughing.)

Hick Child: Dang it, Buck. It's my turn to use the sex box!
Buck: It's my sex box! And her name is "Sony".

Peter: (when the old lady grabbed his titties) Ahh! Ahh! Tittie Twister! Ahh! Hurts!

Peter: Merry Christmas to all, and to all shut the hell up.

Peter: That's about as funny as Sinbad. Not the comedian, he's hilarious, the sailor. Then again, he was never meant to be funny.

Peter: Can't we tell them your mother died?
Lois: Peter, I'm not gonna lie about something like that!
Peter: Fine, I'll kill your mother. When did Christmas have to get so complicated?

Brian: You're really going to take back donated presents on Christmas Eve?
Peter: Yep, now here's the plan: You'll enter through the air conditioning duct here. Now there'll be an invisible laser grid three inches from the floor, so you'll have to compress your body to the size of an ordinary household sponge and slide underneath like some kind of weird amphibious dolphin.
Brian: Can I buy some pot from you?

Lois: Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.
Brian: Well, y'know, it's a little warm in here...
Lois: "Don we now our gay apparel."
Brian: (quietly) It doesn't get much gayer than this.

Peter: What the hell did you do?
Brian: Me? Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter: I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at risk.

Stewie: By all means, turn me into a child star. Perhaps I can move to Californ-i-a and wrangle me a three-way with the Olsen twins.

Bonnie: I am the Virgin Mary. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Peter: As we all know, Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feast on the flesh of the living! So we all sing Christmas Carols to lull him back to sleep.
Bob: Outrageous, How dare he say such blasphemy! I've got to do something.
Man: Bob, there's nothing you can do.
Bob: Well I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humour.

Peter: Ahh crap, since when did they change the meaning of for to from?
Brian: I think they had a meeting about it last night.
Peter: Why wasn't I told?
Brian: They sent you a card but it said for Peter on it, so you must have thought it was from you so you didn't uh.... you know it's just easier to call you stupid.