Family Guy Season 9 Episode 1

(After finding a hidden gun)
Joe: Stephanie was an accident.
Quagmire: That's a way of putting it.

Jillian: Who's he?
Derek: James Woods.
Jillian: Oh, I thought he was a shark.
Derek: No, he was a on a show called Shark.
Jillian: But he's made of wood?
Derek: No, his last name is Woods, but he's not made of wood. Nobody is.
(Seamus stares angrily)

Stewie: (after Stephanie is killed) I can't help feeling this would be sadder if she wasn't heavy.

(When the Griffins' car is about to go over a damaged bridge)
Lois: Oh, my God, Peter, back it up!!
Peter: Oh, really, Lois? I thought I might drive forward. I thought that-that might be a fun thing to do.

Herbert: Whoa, whoa, whoa, all right. Look, everybody but Chris, just keep your pants on and let's figure a way out of this.
Diane: He's right. We just got to stay calm.
Bonnie: With a killer in the house?!
Stewie: Killer in the hooouse!

Peter: You're a monster, James Woods! You think you can just commit murder and get away with it?! Quagmire loved that girl!
Quagmire: Easy.

(After James Woods is murdered)
Peter: So James Woods murdered Stephanie, and then he murdered himself. Criss-cross.
Joe: No, Peter, don't you see? He didn't kill himself, and he didn't kill Stephanie.
Peter: What are you saying?
Joe: I'm saying James Woods isn't the murderer. The murderer...is one of us!
(Everyone gasps)
Joe: And someone ate the last goat cheese tartlet.
(Everyone outrageously complains)
Peter: Now I hope I die next!

(The group finds a secret room)
Stewie: Eh, my secret room's bigger.
Herbert: Mine's smaller.

Peter: All right, let's split up and search the house. I'll go with Lois. Chris, you check the basement with Herbert. (Herbert quickly springs over to Chris) Meg, you go with Brian and Stewie.
Stewie: Uh, no, she-she can't.
Brian: Yeah, uh, she can't. We-we-we were gonna use this time, uh...to figure out what to get you for your birthday.
Peter: Ooh, ah, okay. Oh, yeah, no, you guys go. You guys--ooh, now I'm excited. Um, okay, um, Meg, you go with Carl. Sorry, Carl. Tom and Diane, you're a team. Quagmire and Bonnie, you're a team. Um...Seamus and Dr. Hartman? That-that could be funny. Don't usually see the two of you together. Uh, Derek and Jillian, you guys take the attic. Joe and Priscilla are still passed out, so they'll be the unconscious team. And that leaves one three-person team of Mort, Consuela, and Mayor West. All right. Let's do this.

Jillian: Hey, maybe it was that cat who was the murderer. Let me ask him. Meow, meow, meow? Meow-meow-meow-meow?
Cat: We don't all talk like that. I happen to be a professor.
Derek: Our apologies, sir.
Cat: I should imagine so. Now if you'll excuse me, I have papers to correct.

Tom: Muriel?
Diane: Oh, yeah, like she's going to answer you, Tom.
Tom: And here we go with the attitude. This is why you're single.
Diane: Oh, so I'm not supposed to point out when you do something stupid?
Tom: You hear that? You hear that tone you're using? That's penis repellent right there.

Mort: (after finding his wife murdered) Oh, my God, Muriel! My sweet Muriel! She was so young. She was so beauti--She was so genero--Uh, we were married.

Derek: Hey, Peter, look at this. I'm getting a faint signal on my cell phone.
Peter: (looks at the cell phone) Really? Oh, my God, is that-- Are you holding up the whole Hollywood sign?
Derek: (chuckles) No, no, no, no. The sign was way in the background. I was standing in the foreground going like this when Jillian took the picture, so by forced perspective, it looks like I'm holding up the whole sign.
Peter: I don't believe you. I think you are a god. And I will die for you or kill others.
Derek: Damn it. The signal's gone. If I can get up to the roof or something, maybe I can get a stronger signal and call the police.
Peter: Okay. (grabs Brian) And I will skin this dog in your honor.
Derek: Please don't.
Peter: (releases Brian) As you wish.

Quagmire: (about Priscilla) She's hot. Hot chicks are never crazy!

Peter: Oh, my God! Are those Stephanie's underpants?
Quagmire: Oh, God.
Adam West: They're huge!
Stewie: Looks like the crotch got chewed on by a walrus mouth.
Lois: (laughs) Look, it's got flowers! Ha, I mean, why bother? Who's gonna see 'em?
Chris: Maybe someone in space.
(Everyone starts laughing)
Quagmire: Come on, guys, can't we all just be glad she's dead?

Joe: Just for that, when the movie of this story comes out, I'm gonna make sure Adrien Brody plays you.

Tom: I guess that means you don't want anyone to see it.

Stewie: You know, despite all the craziness this weekend, I feel like a lot of people were looking at me like I was really attractive. Which makes me think that I'm gonna grow up to be good-looking.
Brian: What part of that statement is supposed to lure me into a conversation?
Stewie: I talk to you about wet tennis balls! (walks away)
Brian: Oh, come on!
Stewie: We're in a fight!

Diane: You shouldn't have stopped to say hi to me. You would've lived longer.
Lois: God, why do I ever try to be friends with other women?

Stewie: (after killing Diane and saving Lois) If anybody's gonna take that bitch down, it's gonna be me.

Peter: (reading James Woods' diary) Bonnie, he punched you in the throat and that's why you sound like that?
Bonnie: No, he punched me in the throat because I sound like this.