Peter / Stewie / Brian / Quagmire / Tom Tucker (and various)
Lois (and various)
Chris (and various)
Meg (Production Season 2+)
Cleveland/Herbert/Performance Artist/Greased-Up Deaf Guy (and various)
Stewie claims to have his first soda in this episode however we see him drinking Tab in "The Tan Aquatic with Steve Zissou".
Bette Midler - The Rose
Marvin Gaye - Let's get it on
Huey Lewis and the News - The Power of Love
Stewie: I disabled the V chip and watched soooooooooo much porn.
Peter (as he, Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe are in the sauna): Okay, here's one. If you were gay and you had to have sex with either John Forsythe or Sean Connery, who would it be?
Cleveland: Oh, that's easy. John Forsythe.
Joe: Eh, John Forsythe.
Quagmire: John Forsythe, absolutely.
Peter: It's so funny. I would also say John Forsythe. I was just curious
Joe: I mean Sean Connery is just so...uh-oh! (they soon notice that Sean Connery is also in the sauna with them)
Peter: Oh god, I am so sorry.
Sean Connery: It's too late! The damage is done.
Peter: You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right, I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you... but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me; I'm not changing. I like me. My kids like me. My friends like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.
Chris: HeeHee movie references.
Peter: Alright guys, the best thing you can do for your body after a massage is hot coffee, alcohol and Slim Jims.
Chris: Oh, dad, I'm glad you're here. There's something I need to ask you.
Peter: What is it Chris?
Chris: Well, uh…Today in gym class, I noticed one of my testicles went up inside my body and it hasn't come back out yet. And, I'm a little scared.
Peter: (Towards the store manager) Ah, sir, this employee just made a sexual remark to me.
Chris: No dad, I'm…I'm really worried. ( Takes off his pants and shows him his testicles) See? Look, is that normal?
Peter: (Towards the store manager) Ah...Ah…Sir, Sir! Your employee is exposing himself to me.
Chris: But dad…
Peter: (Towards the store manager) You've got a lawsuit on your hands, mister.
(The Griffin's car falls off a cliff, Lois emerges)
Peter: Hey crashie, what are you doing down there?
Stewie: (Drinks from his bottle, then spits it out) What the devil is in here?
Peter: Oh, I threw out all your apple-juice Stewie. We're a gas family now.
Lois: You put gasoline in Stewie's bottle?
Stewie: You damn fool! You're more useless than Aquaman!
Quagmire: You guys are gonna love this spa. They give the best massages. Your whole bodies will feel like Joe's legs.
Cleveland: That would be nice for a short period.
Lois: Peter, did you get the train tickets?
Peter: Actually no, Lois. There was a guy inside selling shower curtain rings so I bought a bunch of those.
Lois: Peter! That was the last of our cash!
Peter: These ones have helium in them, so they're very light.
McBurgertown manager: Stewie, you've gotta clean the bathroom.
Stewie: No, no. I'm not going back in there.
McBurgertown manager: Stewie, I'm not giving you a choice. You've gotta go clean that up.
Stewie: No, no! It was literally only on the floor, alright? There was NO attempt to get near the toilet. It's like they just press their buttocks against the wall. The only part of the floor that didn't have poo on it was the part that had a baby on it!
Peter: Ground Zero. So this is where the first guy got AIDS.
Brian: Peter, this is the site of the 9/11 terrorist attacks.
Peter: Oh, so Saddam Hussein did this?
Peter: The Iraqi army?
Peter: Some guys from Iraq?
Peter: That one lady who visited Iraq that one time?
Brian: No. Peter, Iraq had nothing to do with this. It was a bunch of Saudi Arabians, Lebanese and Egyptians financed by a Saudi Arabian guy living in Afghanistan and sheltered by Pakistanis.
Peter: ... So you're saying we need to invade Iran?
Stewie: I'm gonna take Brian's novel and replace every use of the word 'and' with the word 'fart'.
(He types something on Brian's laptop)
Stewie: "The young soldier fart his brother looked at each other fart both knew that with love, fart truth, fart courage, they would both emerge "stfarting" on their feet."... No, that one didn't work.
Stewie: Where the devil is everyone? This place is more deserted than James Gandolfini's workout room.
Lois: What's with all those birds?
Peter: My tropical bird collection. Just in case.
Lois: Just in case, what? We're not gonna need a dozen tropical birds.
Peter: Oh, I was not aware that you could see the future, Lois. Can I go ahead and get tomorrow's lottery number? Stupid woman.
Stewie: Mommy, Daddy, Chris, Dog, Brian! They're home!
At one point, after the Griffins find out Stewie was not with them, Brian says, "He's probably freaking out right now. He's probably all like, "What the deuce is going on? Well, I can't really do a good impersonation on Stewie." When in reality both Brian and Stewie are both voiced by the Seth MacFarlane
When Stewie discovers that he just knocked out Quagmire and Cleveland, he calls Quagmire "Bob Hope." This is because Quagmire's facial features were based off of Bob Hope.
The character, Morbidly Obese Albert, that Stewie mentions, is a play on the classic cartoon character, Fat Albert.
Back To The Future
The scene where we see Peter's "stressful morning" comes directly from the first Back To The Future movie, where Marty rushes to get to school.
The "This is my wheelchair" creed recited by Joe was a play on the United States Marine Corps 'Rifleman's Creed' most famously featured in the movie Full Metal Jacket.
The Cleveland Show
Cleveland mentions to Quagmire that he's getting a spin-off. The Cleveland Show is scheduled to begin airing in 2009.
The Muppet Movie
Fozzie Bear doing his act for Saudi Arabians is a reference to the movie, The Muppet Movie, where he makes a joke about a fat man that doesn't go over well with a chubby patron.
Planes, Trains and Automobiles
Peter buying curtain rings at the train station and the dialog following are references to the movie Planes, Trains and Automobiles.
The scene with Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore look-alikes shaping Peter's fat like it's pottery is an allusion to the movie Ghost.
The plot of this episode is similar to that of the movie, Home Alone. Also, its theme song is heard when the Griffins finally return home.
Baby Not on Board
This episode's title is based on a sign that you put on your car that says "Baby on board."
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