Family Guy

Brian: Can you believe that cashier's accent? "Would you like some change for you?" Stewie: If it weren't for 9/11, they'd be adorable!

(Brian and Stewie hid in a bathroom) Brian: We need some way of changing your appearance! Stewie: I feel like Britney Spears. I'm standing in urine and I hate the person I'm with.

Chris: Are you sure Aunt Carol won't mind us using her house? Lois: She won't care Chris. She's off on her ninth honeymoon. Peter: (laughing) When will it work for her?

Brian: Well, we got lucky. How you holding up Stewie? Stewie: (in female clothing) Ummm, I feel right Brian. I feel right.

Lois: Ah, it is so good to be home. Ya know, I wanted us to live in a place with real family values, but values don't come from where you live or who your friends are. They come from inside, from your own beliefs. Peter: I agree Lois. Like for instance, If you're watching a TV show, and you decide to take your values from that, you're an idiot. Maybe you should take responsibility for what values your kids are getting. Maybe you shouldn't be letting your kids watch certain shows in the first place if you have such a big problem with them, instead of blaming the shows themselves. (pauses, looks to the camera) Yeah.

Police Officer: Pardon me sir, we're trying to locate a possessed child. (shows picture of Stewie) Have you seen any one who looks like this? Peter: Yeah, that's my son. He's actually in the mini-market right now, he'll be out in a second. (Lois elbows him.) Uh, uh, uh, uh, I mean, I mean, no, no. Never seen him before. Police Officer: Hmm... what was that first thing you said? Peter: Oh I was just saying that baby in the picture is my son. He's traveling with us. He's part of our family. We're trying to avoid being found by police like you. (Lois elbows him again.) Uh, uh, uh, I mean, I was just... reminding what a nice tie you have on. Police Officer: I... love... this tie. Oh right, you folks take care now.

Peter: Don't worry Lois. We'll hide in the one place they can't find us... (closes eyes) in imagination land, where you burp where you fart and you fart where you burp. (Cuts to scene where Peter is sitting on a chair. He lifts up his leg and burps and then opens his mouth and farts.) Haha, indeed, that's how it happens.

Peter: Ah sweet! We are out of here! Now I can do what I planned to do this morning. Gladiator mice! (Cuts to scene where Peter is on the sofa with only his underwear on watching two mice in armor do battle on the floor.) (excited) Hahahaha! Yes! Yes! Die! Die! Die! I have everything and you have nothing!

Lois: And lately, this family has been lacking moral fiber, especially you Meg. (Cuts to scene where Meg and Stewie are in living room.) Lois: Meg! What happened to you? Stewie: (Sad tone) She can't answer you. She can't even talk. Ever since she started smoking pot, she just kinda lays there. It's really sad. (Happy tone) And a tiny bit funny. Oh my God, I think I'm getting a contact high! (sags like Meg.) Uh, now I'm messed up too.

Lois: Well, I got good news. I'm going to be the Church's new organist. (Both Brian and Meg talk simultaneously.) Brian: Hey, hey, congrats. Meg: Wow mom, that's great. Chris: That means you'll play the organ.

Quagmire: (reading a sign on Church door that says "Organist Wanted.") Huh-huh, all right! (Runs inside Church, unzips pants, gets slapped) Ahh. (comes back outside) Why do you say organist if you don't want... I don't understand the world anymore.

Brian: Lois, I'm not sure this is the right place for us. These Texans are socially backward and politically they're all stubborn as a mule. (Cutaway) A Mule: No sorry, Kevin Bacon wasn't in Footloose. Guy: What!?, of course he was. A Mule: No he wasn't, you lose. Guy: Of course he was, he was the star. A Mule: Nope, you're wrong. Look it up. Guy: I don't have to look it up, it's common knowledge… A Mule: Nope.. Guy: he was on the cover… A Mule: Nope… Guy: of People Magazine A Mule: Nope.. Guy: when the movie… A Mule: No… Guy: Everyone knows... A Mule: No Guy: that…. A Mule: No!.. Guy: Kevin Bacon.. A Mule: NO! Guy: was the star… A Mule: NO! Guy: in Footloose.. A Mule: NO! Guy: It was a huge movie,… A Mule: NO! Guy: he was the lead. A Mule: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! HeeHaw! HeeHaw! HeeHaw!

Jillian: Wait, wait, I have another question, how do I know if I'm Jewish? Brian: Are you Jewish? Jillian: No. Brian: There you go sport! Jillian: Thank you!

(Peter enters the bedroom on his horse) Peter: Ugh, it's been a long day Lois, a long day. (Peter gets into bed, with the horse) Lois: Peter what the hell, you can't bring that horse into our bed! Peter: Lois, I can not believe you would ban the horse from our bed. He's a graceful, majestic creature, who is a part of this family and only wants you to love and respect--The horse may have pooped in the bed.

Peter: You know they say Chuck Norris is so tough, there's no chin under his beard... there is only another fist. Brian: That's ridiculous. (Chuck Norris taps him on the back.) Chuck Norris? (A fist comes out of Chuck Norris' beard and punches Brian in the face.)

Meg: Wow, look at this! I can't believe that Mrs. Bush kept all of these Planned Parenthood receipts. Chris: Holy Cow! She's been scraped more times than a fisherman's knuckle!

Peter: Hey Lois, you say something? Lois: Oh, just that I think that you'll love this cake. Stewie: None for me, thanks, it's gonna go straight to my vagina. (to Brian) That's what girls worry about, right? Having big vaginas?

TV Announcer: This is Channel 5 news Texas, with Duke Dillon. Duke: Howdy Texas, I'm Duke Dillon. At the top of the news tonight, authorities have called off their pursuit of a fugitive Rhode Island baby, who was thought to be possessed by the devil. Lois: Oh, thank god! Duke: This turn of events came after Vatican scientists announced today, that the devil is not the greatest threat to salvation. Due to last weeks discovery of the Super Devil. Religion reporter Dallas Houston has the story. Dallas: Thanks Duke, well let me try and get you a clear picture of what we're dealing with here. Here's a photo of the devil, and here's the super devil. Now as you can see, there are some significant differences. The super devil is at least six inches taller, uh, he has a flying motorcycle, and a jar of marmalade that we believe forces you to commit adultery.

Tom Tucker: In other Pseudo-Scientific news, a local man claims to have spotted Big Foot. We've got the exclusive interview. RJ: I was about to bone my girlfriend out at the lake, but suddenly she yelled. So I looked up and was Big Foot. Tom Tucker: So what happened next? RJ: Then I went back to bone her, but the mosquitoes were going crazy and she said there was no way.

Priest: Good morning everyone. A reading, from the letter of John, to the couple with the crying baby upstairs: "Obviously you hear your kid crying and you are trying to break him of some habit. But I got news for you, It's not working. I swear to God that if it doesn't stop, I will come up there and show him what real pain is." The word of the Lord. Congregation: Praise be to God.