Chris (and various)
Lois (and various)
Meg (season 1) [uncredited]
Peter / Stewie / Brian / Quagmire / Tom Tucker (and various)
The magazine that Brian reads is Barely Legal Bitches, All Models Over 3.
When writing to MacGyver, Peter writes on the envelope 725 Spooner Street. In later episodes, it is revealed that the Griffins live on 31 Spooner Street.
Police Officer: The fine is ten dollars. (To Brian) Now you behave little fella.
Brian: Oh Lordy, Lordy I'll never roam again! (The police man leaves) Jackass.
(on Murder, She Wrote)
Jessica Fletcher: Charles Montrose, after all these years.
Charles Montrose: Jessica Fletcher, why I haven't seen you since you've had the, the uh...
Jessica Fletcher: You can say it Charles. I'm not ashamed. Abortion.
Peter: Aha! So she's the murderer.
Girl: Mom, have you ever had a problem with freshness?
Woman: What do you mean honey?
Girl: You know, have you ever felt, not so fresh?
Woman: I'm-I'm not sure what you're get-I don't follow you.
Girl: Umm, have you ever felt like you're, you know, dirty, down there?
Woman: Oh. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! God no!
Stewie: You there, child woman. I'll give you a shiny new dime if you roll me into the nearest lake.
Meg: Let me see if I can find you a juice box 'kay.
Stewie: Yes, get the lead out pudgy.
(Peter on Jeopardy)
Alex Trebek: For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95% of all cosmetic products.
Peter Griffin: Diarrhea! What? Oh, oh, oh sorry, sorry. What is Diarrhea?
Stewie: I say, am I to strut about all day like a beggar child in Calcutta? Fetch me something linen to throw on before I call child services.
Lois: Please don't threaten mommy. She's very hot.
Chris: I think I saw of her nipples.
Lois: Chris that's a terrible word. Nipple. I'll chalk that up to the heat mister.
Stewie: You, you seem to know all the players in this poorly acted farce. What do they call that one?
Chris: That's Meg dude. You know that.
Stewie: Meg! You vile, smelly girl. You're not to touch any of my things. Do you understand me? Dirty, dirty girl.
Dog Show Announcer: Up next, we have Peter Griffin and his dog, Brain!
Brian: Well, we're off to a good start.
Peter: All Brian's ever wanted is the same respect he gives us. Well, that and snausages. He's freakin' mental for those snausages!
Meg: Ugh, it' so hot out there.
Griffins: How hot is it?
Meg: I don't know. Like around 98, 99.
Peter: I don't get it.
Peter: (in the courtroom) Sometimes we all need a second chance. Sometimes we all need to forgive!
Chris: I stole ten dollars from Meg's room.
Meg: I stole ten dollars from mom's purse.
Lois: I've been making counterfeit ten dollar bills for years.
Guard: Sorry, pooch, you gotta sleep outside. No dogs allowed in the bus station.
Brian: Oh, uh, my, my, my blind guy's in the john.
Guard: Let me point him in your direction.
Brian: Things can never go back to the way they were! Not after the way I was treated! Not after the things I've seen!
Chris: What did you see? Was it breasts?
Meg: Chris, you're hogging up all the fans.
Chris: Well, you're hogging up all the... ugly!
Peter: (writing letter) Dear MacGyver, Enclosed is a rubber band, a paper clip, and a drinking straw. Please save my dog.
The "Oh! What Is diarrhea?" joke first appeared in Seth MacFarlane's 1995 short "The Life of Larry".
After the "Murder, She Wrote" parody (in which Jessica admits to having an abortion) the FOX syndicated version of the episode removes Peter's line "Aha! So SHE'S the murderer!" while the TBS/Adult Swim versions air the punchline intact.
Most of the contestants at the dog show are animated versions of the show's writers and their dogs.
This episode features the first appearance of Stewie's teddy bear, Rupert.
When Meg comes in saying "It's so hot out there" and the family says "How hot is it" it's a reference to Match Game.
The title is a reference to the movie Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer.
Brian: Portrait of a Dog
This is a reference to James Joyce's semi-autobiographical novel A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, the story of a young Stephen Dedalus growing up in Ireland, trying to find his identity.
Brian: Does a dog not feel? If you scratch us do our legs not kick?
This speech is paraphrased from Shylock's speech in The Merchant Of Venice by Shakespeare in which he asks whether or not Jews should be treated equally to all other people.
Pillsbury Dough Boy: Nothing says "I love you" like something from... Hey! What the Hell are you doing you crazy bit...
This is a reference to the Pillsbury Dough Boy, who is often featured in Pillsbury's pastry commercials and is well known for his giggle after being poked in the stomach. The actual expression is "Nothin' says lovin' like somethin' from the oven!"
All That Jazz
This is a reference to the movie "All That Jazz" (1979). A Director/choreographer struggles with life/sex/drugs etc. Stressed, tired, etc, right before a show he would enter his dressing room, use the eyes drop, breath, and with hands flaring say "Showtime!"
Peter: Dear MacGyver, Enclosed is a rubber band, a paper clip, and a drinking straw. Please save my dog.
MacGyver was a TV series from the mid-eighties to early-nineties in which the lead character made sophisticated devices from simple, often household items.
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