Family Guy Season 4 Episode 19

Stewie: Hey Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the couter at McDonalds with a bag full of burgers. You know it's funny, I tried to walk home and, a lot of hungry deer out at this time of night. Oh, this is where the story gets interesting. You may have noticed I'm missing an ear. Was manged to pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-11. So when you're ready to apologize to me just talk into this cup.

Lois: Oh Meg I think you're just trying to fit in by pretending to be something you're not, like the time Peter pretended to be racist to get out of Jury duty.
(Cut to court room with Peter in the Jury box surrounded by white people)
Peter: Awful lotta Honkies in here.

Meg's Teacher: (puts video tape in VCR) Ah well, that's not Nova at all, is it? That's a sex tape I made with my wife. Course nobody here's interested in seeing that sort of thing, are they? Probably not. No. OK. Oh, you kinda looked like you were nodding. Nope? OK. We should get back to work.

Brian: Hey, what's the point in waiting? You gotta live life while you can, and live it hard.
Stewie: Ah, the Chris Farley method, that's good.

Stewie: Ughh, if he dies, I'm gonna have to start hanging out with The Rock again.
Dan LaFontaine: (Picture of Stewie) One's a baby. (Picture of The Rock) and the other's... Black. I think. At least part Black. Or... Hispanic, I think. You know, possibly there's some Filipino in there, yeah, possibly some Filipino. I mean if he- if he's Black it's definitely diluted. I mean one of his parents must be white. What the hell is Jessica Alba for that matter? If I were 40 years younger I would plow that till next July.

Lois: (In response to Meg kissing her lesbian friend on the cheek) Oh yeah? That's nothing! (Begins kissing the lesbian on the lips. Chris then falls out of Meg's closet holding a camera and swiftly exits the room. Lois leaves and Quagmire comes out of the closet holding a boom mike and other camera equipment).
Quagmire: Chris, I don't have any--(Notices Meg and her friend see him) Oh, would you girls do me a favor and sign these release forms?

Peter: I haven't been this scared since I was mugged by Gene Shalit.
(Scene of Gene Shalit pointing a gun at Peter in the alley)
Gene Shalit: Don't Panic Room. I'm not going to William Hurt you. I only want your Tango and Cash. So just Pay It Forward, and we'll all be Happy Gilmore.
Peter: What?

Peter: (to Lois) Bye, honey. And remember what I said, if I come home in the middle of the day and you're sleeping with somebody, I'll kill ya both.

Peter: Greetings Hebrews and She-brews! What a jewish glorious day!

Chinese Guy: Hello. How come I rich and you not? How come you not sell real estate like I do? How come I sleep with your wife while you at work? And then I pee in your toilet and don't flush. And sometimes I open the back part and I pee in there, so that when you flush, pee come out. You know why? Cause I'm smart. I'm smart, you stupid. Call Now!

Chris: (Meg walks in with a mullet) Mom, why is the cable guy here?

Stewie: (admiring a white suit in a store window) Oh who am I kidding. All those buttons and I'll look like Steve Harvey.

Meg: ...I have something very important to tell you. I am a lesbian.
Peter: That...is...awesome.

Stewie: Yeah, I don't need to go to the hospital or anything, I'll just use this Mr. Potatohead ear.