Family Guy

Season 5 Episode 7

Chick Cancer

Aired Sunday 9:00 PM Nov 26, 2006 on FOX



  • Trivia

  • Quotes

    • Stewie: What would I be if I left now?
      Brian: You'd be a black man.
      Stewie: Whoah, where did that come from?
      Brian: I'm sorry, I'm sorry! That was my Dad talking!
      Stewie: You need some help with that. (pause) Bad dog.

    • (Brian and Stewie sitting at table)
      Brian: So what happened?
      Stewie: Well, you wanna know what I learned this week? Being a grown-up sucks. Women, Brian...what a royal pain in the ass. It's like, it's like, why can't you just hang out with guys, you know? Just live with someone of your own sex. Just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy, you know? Why don't guys just do that?
      Brian: They do, it's called being gay.
      Stewie: Oh, that's what gay is? Oh yeah, I could totally get into that.

    • (Stewie and Olivia arriving late to dinner with Brian and Jillian)
      Stewie: (exhales) Sorry we're late everyone, but JonBenét here took forever with her make-up.
      Olivia: Ah yes, and we probably would've shaved a few minutes off our trip, but Mr. Cheap-o here refused to let the valet touch his Big Wheels, so we had to drive around the block six times till we could find a spot, (crosses her arms) but to his credit it's a great spot to get mugged.
      Stewie: (sarcastically) Oh wouldn't that be a shame, if they took all my money in both our wallets.

    • Stewie: Uh, what's for dinner?
      Olivia: (reaches behind her to grab the Play-doh Fun Factory machine) Play-Doh spaghetti.
      Stewie: (pauses) Oh..
      Olivia: (stops making Play-Doh spaghetti) What?
      Stewie: No, no, it''s nothing, just had Play-Doh spaghetti last night (pauses) (under breathe, looking away) and that's all we had last night.
      Olivia: (angry) What does that mean?
      Stewie: Oh I don't know Olivia, uh maybe that we are in a sex-less marriage, we have yet to have sex..
      Olivia: Do you even know what sex is?
      Stewie: (angry) That's not the point, don't change's a kind of cake..

    • Lois: (excited) Oh my god, Sandra Oh, (nervous laugh) we loved you in Sideways.
      Sandra Oh: Thank you.
      Peter: (explanatory tone) WE SEE YOU IN MANY MOVIES. I THINK ABOUT YOU WHILE HAVING SEX WITH MY WIFE. (pulls out one dollar bill) I THANK YOU WITH ONE DOLLAR. (turns to Lois) That's a lot of money to them.

    • Peter: (about Vageena Hurts) ...but it was too late, and she died from an angry Hymen.

    • Stewie: I mean, what kind of a man would I be if I ran off now?
      Brian: Well, you would be a black man.
      Stewie: Wow, wow, whoa, what was that?
      Brian: Ahh I'm sorry, I'm sorry that was my father talking.
      Stewie: You uh, gotta work on that man. Bad dog.

    • Brian: Stewie?
      Stewie: Yeah?
      Brian: It's not your fault.
      Stewie: What?
      Brian: It's not your fault.
      Stewie: I know.
      Brian: It's not your fault.
      Stewie: (annoyed) I know.
      Brian: No Stewie, Stewie. It's not your fault.
      Stewie: Don't do this to me man, not you man.
      Brian: It's not your fault.
      Stewie: Screw you, cut it out man!
      Brian: It's not your fault.
      Stewie: (cries) Why is it so hard? I didn't know it was going to be so hard. (cries)

    • Peter: Alright Joe, let's lose the wheelchair and shoot this thing.
      Joe: Peter, I can't lose the wheelchair, I need it to move.
      Peter: Okay yeah, but your character can walk.
      Joe: Peter, I'm handicapped. I can't walk.
      Peter: Okay Chris, roll film. And, action! Joe, get outta the damn chair. Chris, get the cattle prod. (zaps Joe)
      Joe: (While flying out of his chair) Ahhhhh!
      Peter: Okay, now give him some peanut butter so we can make it look like he's talkin'.

    • Stewie: Well if you think I'm a baby, then perhaps I should act like a baby! Waaah! Waaah! Waaah!
      Man: Hey can you keep that kid quiet?
      Stewie: Oh, oh, oh, what's that? What's that sir? What's that, uh ,uh I'm, I'm sorry am I being too loud for you? You want to come over here and quiet me down?
      Olivia: Oh, let's not do this.
      Brian: Oh God Stewie come on.
      Jillian: I'm scared.
      Stewie: No, it's okay. It's okay. Sir, do you feel strong? You want to come over here?
      Man: No, I want to stay here and have my steak.
      Stewie: Oh yeah?
      Man: Yeah!
      Stewie: What is that, the Porterhouse?
      Man: Yeah!
      Stewie: How is it?
      Man: What do you care?
      Stewie: If we weren't fighting, would you recommend it?
      Man: Yeah I would.
      Stewie: Well, I know what I'm getting.

    • Lois: Peter, have you been up all night watching chick movies?
      Peter: Lois, before I found these movies, women only made me cry through my penis. Now they make me cry through my eyes.

    • Stewie: Hey babe, what do ya say, we goin' out Saturday night?
      Olivia: Stewie, what are you doing here? I told you, I'm just into a different type of guy.
      Stewie: Oh yeah? I'll tell you what you're into. Bein' ugly.
      Olivia: Stewie, you're being mean.
      Stewie: No, if I was being mean, when you opened the door, I would have said "Oh, Hey Ray Liotta, is Olivia home? Oh wait, you're Olivia". You see, I thought you were Ray Liotta, because your skin has the texture of a decorative autumn squash.
      (Olivia begins to cry)
      So, I'll pick you up at seven?
      Olivia: (while sobbing) That sounds wonderful.

    • (Chester Cheetah pours Cheetos cheese puffs on table, cuts them up and snorts them)
      Chester Cheetah: Oh, oh God! There is no ****ing drummer better than Neil Peart! (punches table) It ain't easy being cheesy.

    • Stewie: (Wearing Brian's hair on his chest and in his diaper) Hey Baby!
      Jillian: Hi Stewie!
      Brian: What the hell are you doing?
      Stewie: Eh, not much really. Just me and ma pubes, haaaaangin' out.
      Brian: Oh dear God.
      Stewie: Boy, I am so beat from doin' adult stuff all day.
      Jillian: So am I.
      Stewie: (while stretching, reveals Brian's hair in his armpits as well) I just feel like kickin' it tonight. (A pair of fuzzy dice fall out of Stewie's diaper) OH! Look at that, I'm growin' all the time.
      Brian: Hey, uh Jillian, can you give me a minute?
      Stewie: Ya ever just let yer balls hang out B-ri? Ya ever do that B-roni? Drove my Chevy to the levy, but the levy was Bry?
      Brian: Give me my hair back. (rips it off of Stewie)
      Stewie: Ow! What the hell, man?!

    • Woman: I am not doing that Glenn.
      Quagmire: Come on beautiful, keep an open mind.
      Woman: You're a sick man!
      Quagmire: Hey keep it down, I don't want my neighbors seeing a fat, old, dirty whore screaming at me on my front lawn.
      Woman: Whore? Well maybe I should come inside.
      Quagmire: Well maybe you should.

    • Brian: (To himself in the mirror) There we go, you are ready for your date. Yeah, that's a bed head, yeah. Hey look at you, you just got out of bed. You're the underachiever every woman wants to sleep with.

    • Peter: Lois, I'm just warning you, if this movie turns me gay, I'm gonna start bringin' gay guys home. And I don't mean the classy "maybe they are, maybe they're not" gay guys, I mean those big "Oh my God, here they come, floatin' around, makin' noise" gay guys, not the fix up your house gay guys.

    • Tom Tucker: Coming up, a New Orleans man says his socks are finally dry.

  • Notes

  • Allusions

    • Tony Curtis

      Not liking him, Stewie calls Victor "Phony" Curtis. An allusion to actor Tony Curtis.

    • Smilla's Sense of Snow

      The movie which Peter watches before he decides to make his own chick flick is Smilla's Sense of Snow.

    • Chuck Berry

      Chuck Berry saying "Open your mouth baby, here it comes" is an allusion to a sex tape reportedly featuring Berry, involving urination.

    • Woody Allen Films

      The scene when Olivia and Stewie are watching people at the park and commenting on them is a play on a scene from 1977's Annie Hall starring Woody Allen and Diane Keaton. Stewie and Olivia sitting on a park bench under the bridge is a reference to 1979's Manhattan also starring Allen and Keaton. Victor noting ideas into a voice recorder alludes to Alan Alda's character Lester in 1989's Crimes and Misdemeanors starring Allen and Mia Farrow.

    • Q*Bert

      Stewie claims that he was once Q*bert's roommate. Q*Bert was an arcade puzzle game, and eventually a console video game where you had to light up each individual cube on a pyramid, while avoiding enemies.

    • Mister Ed

      Peter tells Chris to get peanut butter to feed Joe, so that it makes him look like he's talking. This is what the crew did on the television show Mister Ed to get the horse to move his mouth so that it would look like he was talking.

    • Pretty Woman

      Peter claims that he was the original Pretty Woman. The scene that follows is taken directly from the 1990 film Pretty Woman, starring Richard Gere and Julia Roberts.

    • Chester Cheetah

      Chester Cheetah is the cartoon character and mascot of Cheetos brand cheese snacks. He is seen here sitting in his apartment listening to Rush. He pours a bag of cheetos, chops them up with a razor blade, and then snorts as if it were cocaine. He then says one of his tag lines, "It ain't easy being cheesy."

    • Don McLean

      Stewie: ...Drove my Chevy to the levy, but the levy was Bry?

      The line "Drove my Chevy to the levy, but the levy was dry" is from the song American Pie by Don Mclean.

    • Curb Your Enthusiasm

      The scene where Luke Skywalker humiliates the rebel pilot, ends with the theme music from Curb Your Enthusiasm.

    • Good Will Hunting

      The scene where Brian keeps saying to Stewie that "it's not your fault" is taken directly from the movie Good Will Hunting

    • Steel Magnolias

      Peter makes a movie titled "Steel Vaginas". It's title is a possible allusion to the film Steel Magnolias.